Baby, say goodbye to the slob you fell in love with. It’s about to get romantic up in here.

Hold on to your pheromone receptors, for tonight we begin a sensual journey the likes of which you’ve only seen in a Restoration Hardware catalog. Maybe it’s a sensuous journey, I can never remember which is which. But tonight, my ladylove, semantics don’t matter.

To make this night as magical as possible, there’s nothing I won’t stoop to. I’ve burned a CD featuring a custom selection of Peter Cetera’s slowest slow-jams. That enchanting musk in the air? You could say it’s the aroma of two extra shots of Axe Body Spray – or you could say it’s the odor of love. Oh, and check this out: I’m wearing a shirt with buttons and a collar. Anything for my special lady.

And our amorous adventures will be lit by the flickering glow of three votive candles mounted in a majorly romantic Wine Barrel Stave Candleholder. Once this piece of wood held red wine. But after Pete Troiani of Wine Cask Creations worked it over, now it holds the enchantment of la amor. Just as his firm but gentle hands caressed this barrel stave and gave it new life, so too shall my hands make your body come alive. And when the morning sun breaks, woman of mine, red wine won’t be the only thing staini- hey, hey, baby, hold on now, where are you- come back and we can- damn.

Women. Who knows what they want?

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