It’s a pop quiz, y’all! Except it’s not about pop. It is about something delicious that you drink, though! OK, no more hints.
01. PORTER-BASS IS:
a. what my kid brother used to say before he could pronounce “quarterback.” He used to be so cute! No anymore, of course. He’s grotesque now. It runs in the family.
b. the television production company behind some of the least successful children’s holiday specials of the 1960s and ‘70s, like “Ronni the Roller-Derby Elf,” “Smiley O’Reilley’s Peculiar Pentecost,” and their disturbing trilogy of Rudolph knock-offs featuring other, less cute bioluminescent reindeer mutations.
c. something that has to do with beer, probably
d. a winery renowned for balanced, elegant wines crafted in the vineyard by painstakingly attentive farmers who tend to their ripening fruit like overbearing Park Slope moms, obsessively monitoring development, reacting to every nuance of the changing weather, and maintaining such an intense focus on their perfect, precious grapes that you basically can’t even talk to them about anything else.
e. all of the above, somehow
02. ACCORDINGLY, PORTER-BASS TASTES LIKE:
a. familial disappointment
b. a stale cache of 35-year-old Dolly Madison Zingers
c. beer, I guess
d. well, if we’re talking about the 2008 Heintz Vineyard Chardonnay, a rich, mouth-filling flavorgasm of apricot, earth, and grapefruit with a hint of coconut and vanilla.
e. all the above, in a nauseating mixture
03. I WANT
a. to return to the golden halcyon days of my youth, before my dreams shriveled and died like slugs on a sunny patch of sidewalk
b. to be a real Christmas tree ornament one day, even if I am just a car air freshener
c. beer, duh
d. a four-pack of this exquisite Chardonnay
e. all of the above
SCORING YOUR ANSWERS: Give yourself three points for each answer d you selected. Congrats, normals! You should have nine points! For every other answer you picked, draw an extra eyeball on your face in permanent marker, so the rest of us have a clear visual signal that you are some kind of psychotic weirdo, and we can move to a different subway car at the next stop. Cheers!
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