Bobby, your mother says she found these in your book bag. You know the rule about bringing delicious meat snacks into this house, young man.

So what’s the story here, son? I bet you’re even using your lunch money to pay some of the older boys at school to buy it for you, is that it? Oh yeah, buddy, I know all the little tricks. You forget, I was your age once. I wanted to look cool and sophisticated, waving around a piece of dried meat in my hand, just like you do. The only difference is that I know what it’s like to be addicted to the stuff. It took me more than fifteen years to get off the jerky train, son, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you follow the same path.

So you know what we’re going to do? You and I are going to sit here with this Krave All Natural Jerky Sampler of yours, and you’re going to eat the whole thing. That’s right. We’ll see just how cool and sophisticated you feel after scarfing down five 3.25oz packages of savory, all-natural, high-protein meat snacks.

Well, go on! You wanted them so badly; you might as well enjoy them. What do we have here in this pack? Garlic Chili Pepper Gourmet Beef Jerkey, huh? Robust garlic, chili marinade, peeled knuckle-cut domestic beef… That, uh, sounds pretty tasty there, sport. Wow. You know, they only had “peppered” or “teriyaki” when I was your age.

And what’s this? “Sweet Chipotle?” Double marinated to create a balanced sweet and smoky Mexican chipotle flavor? Hmm. Why don’t you eat this one first? I’ll just fish out a piece for you. Whew! Smells a lot more powerful than the stuff we used to eat. No, no, I wasn’t licking my fingers. I just accidently hit my tongue with them, that’s all.

Now that I think about it, maybe I should try one of these other ones to help you along. Just so we’re not sitting here all night, of course. This Hawaiian-inspired Pineapple Orange, marinated in a blend of sweet orange, pineapple and tropical fruit, sounds pretty good. So does this zesty Chili Lime, with medium heat and citrus notes. And what is this? Basil Citrus Gourmet Turkey Jerky? It, uh, doesn’t make you sleepy or anything, does it?

Don’t you laugh at me, young man? I’m your father and I should know what you kids are into meat-wise. Besides, I’m only eating some to help you. You just eat your punishment and learn your lesson. And let’s not tell you mother about this.

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