Sure I know a lot about wine! Why else would a guy like me have this fancy corkscrew?

Look, I know my online dating profile may have contained a smidgen of false advertising. I said I like to spend time with my mother when I probably should’ve said I live in her basement. That’s my bad. I claimed I was a high school guidance counselor instead of janitor, but, in my defense, they’re kind of the same thing when you think about it. And yeah, my photo was taken before my ex-wife left and I let myself gain twenty or thirty depression pounds. But come on. You aren’t exactly the Kate Winslet look-a-like you claimed to be, and I’m not holding that against you, am I?

But wine is totally my thing. I mean, obviously, right? You could probably tell the moment you took a look at this awesome Chateau Epernay Corkscrew I’ve got. No one but a true wine connu… connie… EXPERT would own something so beautifully hand-crafted and made with 18/10 stainless steel, would they? A guy with only a passing interest in, you know, grapes and stuff wouldn’t need a double ratchet for easy opening, let alone a Teflon®-coated worm for easy cork penetration. Hey, whoa, it’s feature! I’m not making an innuendo, I swear! Put the pepper spray away, lady!

Sigh. Let’s just forget this evening’s somewhat disappointing revelations and enjoy a glass of Merlot together, huh? What do you say? Hmm? No, I’m pretty certain that’s how it’s pronounced. There is a “T” on the end, after all.

Back to top