Look, with twelve bottles of four different wines, there isn’t much you can’t do.

Crashing a state dinner? Getting out of jail? Celebrating a victory? Breaking up with your spouse? Using them as projectile weapons? All these options and more are right there when you’ve got a Hook & Ladder Vineyard & Winery Russian River Mixed Case.

Let’s face it, when you’ve got all these options, you’re going to be covered no matter where you go. Maybe you accidentally brush up against a biker’s ride? Well, then, apologize quickly and offer the three bottles of 2008 Pinot Noir. This Russian River Valley got 90 points from Steve Heimoff in the Wine Enthusiast, and it’s ready to drink today. Deep ruby red, aromas of spicy strawberry and raspberry, accents of vanilla and a lingering cherry finish, this Pinot is much more convincing than curling up in a little ball and yelling “Oh, God, I’m too young to die in fear!” And let’s face it, bikers aren’t just some stereotype. They’re real people under there, they can like wine too!

Or what if you’re feuding with the neighbor about cutting the grass? Maybe instead of writing a nasty letter to the City Council demanding stronger homeowner codes, you can just hand them the 2008 Russian River Valley Zinfandel? This one got Double Gold at the 2011 San Francisco Chronicle Competition, and Gold from the Dallas Morning News. Those deep violet colors are the best way to say “Hey, now you’re the bad guy” and set off a passive-aggressive chain reaction that ends with a freshly cut lawn. Every time they taste that juicy red berry, cocoa, black cherry, cola and blueberry flavor, they’ll remember that you made the first move, and it’ll just tear them up inside.

But it’s not just about getting your way. The Hook & Ladder Vineyard & Winery Russian River Mixed Case also can help you celebrate with others! You take the three bottles of 2007 Russian River Valley Tillerman to a summer party, and it immediately classes up the place. Now you’re not some jerks hogging the apartment pool, you’re a sophisticated gathering, talking about the aromas of ripe currant, cherries, rose petals… is that a hint of cedar? Oh, Darling, feel how the bright raspberry flavors mix against the cherry-tobacco and oak as we blast the Marshall Tucker and suck down our Ball Park franks.

And then, having changed the world, you’ll finally be able to enjoy the 2009 Russian River Valley Chardonnay. It won Gold at the 2010 Harvest Fair, so it’s perfect for a lion in winter like yourself. Enjoy the crisp mix of pineapple and honey, and the slight minerality of the green apple finish. And why not? Who’s better than you? Not counting that biker, of course. If he’s back again, just hand him the wine and run. He’s crazy, man, look at his eyes.

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