2005 Woot Cellars Tøøthstejnn the Red Sangiovese 750ml
LOS ALAMOS, CA – Long-held assumptions about American history were rocked today with the announcement of a discovery that may prove that Vikings visited California as long ago as 2005.
Digging in the soil of Los Alamos Vineyard, a team of archaeologists and enologists unearthed a cache of what appear to be bottles of Central Coast Sangiovese. The red wine bears a portrait of Tøøthstejnn the Red, a previously unknown Norse warrior, along with a poem fragment paying tribute to Tøøthstejnn’s prowess. The year 2005 is also inscribed on the bottles. The meaning of another inscription – “Woot Cellars” – remains obscure, experts say.
“We certainly never expected to discover evidence of a Viking presence in California,” said lead archaeologist Stud “Dirt” Davis. “And we had no idea they were into Super Tuscan-style blends. But the more of this Sangiovese we drank, the more the whole thing made sense, somehow.”
Although the artifacts are museum-quality, Davis said they were also suited for immediate drinking now. “Sure, we’ll put some of these bottles up on the shelf,” he said. “But they’re not just collector’s items. Wine is made to be enjoyed.”
Davis says the Sangiovese-Merlot-Cabernet blend’s deep red, gemlike quality was reminiscent of the jewels sometimes used to embellish Viking armor. But its complexly layered, spicy flavors of cedar, black pepper, vanilla, cherry, and cocoa – while familiar to some modern wine drinkers – are unlike anything previously encountered in Norse cuisine.
“It is kind of brooding and hearty, so there’s that,” Davis said. “But otherwise, it’s not very, I don’t know, Viking-y. It doesn’t taste anything like salted cod, that’s for sure.”
Some experts expressed skepticism about the ability of Norse vessels to reach the western coast of North America. “Yes, it’s true, even the best Viking ships would have been hard-pressed to reach California,” Davis points out. “But by 2005, they easily could have flown.”
Controversy aside, Davis claims that the discovery will change the way we think about Vikings from now on.
“Sure, they were rapacious pagan plunderers, who left a scorched trail of misery in their wake. Yeah, they’d just as soon impale you as look at you.
“But now we know: for all their faults, they had great taste in wine.”