Four wines enter, one wine leaves ... followed shortly by the other three, since we're selling them in a package.

The arena is sold out. The crowd shrieks and hollers. The lights are up. The terrible nu-metal soundtrack blares. A man stands alone in the ring, a microphone dangling before him. The lights dim, and a spotlight highlights him. The terrible nu-metal ceases, the crows hushes. It’s time for the main event.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girl, children of all ages, welcome to the final match of the Wine Wrestling Federation’s Tag Team Championship Tournament. Let’s get ready to MUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!"

"Introducing first, in the red corner, wearing the clean straw colored trunks, hailing from Morine Ranch, the Roussanne with the Plan, the Passion Fruit Powerhouse, the French Oak Fermented Fist of Fury: 2009 Shannnnnnnon Ridge Roussanne!"

"And in the deep garnet trunks, his tag-team partner, from the Lake County High Elevation Collection, The Blackberry Bandit, The Vanilla Oak Victory Machine, The Cinnamon Spice Supernova: The 2010 Shaaaaaannon Ridge Wrangler!"

"And in the blue corner, their opponents. Introducing first, in the deep purple trunks, from Caldwell Ranch, 50% American Oak, 50% Neutral French, 100% Fan Favorite, the Blueberry Bruiser, the Tobacco Whacko: 2009 Shhhhhhhannon Ridge Petite Sirah!"

"And his partner, wearing the straw-like trunks, coming to us from Morine Ranch, the Star Fruit Superstar, the Peach Flavored Powder Keg, the Cream Soda Crippler: 2009 Ssssssssshannoooooooooon Ridge Viognier!”

The lights come up, the bell rings and the match begins. Nothing much happens, though, as bottles of wine lack the legs or ambition to really get a good match going, so instead all four bottles just sit idly being delicious.

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