Here’s that second Saxon Brown deal. This is becoming a habit.

(the offices of La Bella Generica Winery & Amusement Park, today)

Larry Schlockenschmaltz, Owner: No, you listen – you give our wines another bad review and your children are no longer welcome at our petting zoo! (slams phone down) These uppity wine snobs, think they’re so smart just because they’ve been to Europe…

Stump Dixon, Winemaker & Security Guard: Run! Hide! Run and hide! They’re coming!

Larry: What? Who?

Stump: The Saxons!

Larry: What? The Saxons? Have you been playing that Dragons & Dragons game again?

Stump: No! Saxon Brown! Their carefully crafted, lovingly made wines pose a threat to everything we’ve built here! I tried this Saxon Brown 2007 Semillon – Cricket Creek and it’s…it’s…I’ve never tasted anything like it. It’s got these peachy, citrusy flavors, and it’s real creamy on my tongue. It makes our whites taste like off-brand instant lemonade.

Larry: You mean you actually drink our wine? Wow. Well, I guess it’s part of your job.

Stump: But that’s not all. This 2006 Syrah Rosé (Dry), Flora Ranch Vineyard. The sugars, flavors, and acids are so balanced, I could hardly believe it’s grown in the Chalk Hill region. Larry, may He strike me down if it wasn’t just like biting into a fresh strawberry off the vine! I bet they make this from Syrah grapes grown specifically for Rosé, instead of the way we make ours.

Larry: Hey, what else are we supposed to do with the spilled wine we vacuum off of the warehouse floor?

Stump: The Saxon Brown thing off the Internet said the grapes were “dry-farmed” and “low-yield.” I looked those words up in my pocket wine dictionary, and it said that means the wine’s probably real good! And get this: they don’t even have robots to pick their grapes!

Larry: Jeez, people, crawl out of your cellar and join the 21st century. They probably still use glass bottles, too.

Stump: I’m scared. These Saxon Brown wines, they’re – they’re as exciting as Wrestlemania VI - maybe even Wrestlemania III! What are we going to do?

Larry: What are we going to do? What are we going to do? The same thing we always do. Grow the grapes, fleece the rubes, and count the profits. Saxon Brown? They only make a few hundred cases of some of those vintages! How can they compete with a billion-barrel operation like us? Does Saxon Brown sponsor their own stage on the Skewed Tour? Does Saxon Brown have a brand-new, $31 million waterslide on their premises? Now quit wasting my time. We’re supposed to be sending a shipment out over on Dock Q, but they can’t get the hose attached to the tanker truck. OK? Are we done here?

Stump: Yeah, I guess you’re right. We’re awesome! Not even Jeff Gaffner can hurt us. Hey, you hear about that monkey that got arrested for drunk driving in Colorado? They said he could only say the alphabet up to W.

Larry: What? What did you say?

Stump: The cops thought this chimp was drunk because he didn’t know all of the alphabet.

Larry: No, no, before that. Did you – did you say – Jeff Gaffner?

Stump: Yeah, he’s the winemaker at Saxon Brown. But we’re not afraid of him, right, La-

Larry: The Jeff Gaffner? Why didn’t you say so? This is serious! We’re going to have to make some big changes around here!

Stump: You mean growing our grapes carefully in small plantings, and painstakingly crafting our wines by hand?

Larry: Don't be ridiculous. I was thinking more along the lines of an IMAX projector.

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