You humans will enjoy nonstandard human activities at this authentic ranch.

Howdy, pardner. Welcome to the Martian Dude Ranch. Kick off your boots and join us for a glass of extracted plant-life sugar liquid. Some of the sugars have been converted to ethanol, which creates a desirable loss of self-control among city slickers such as yourself. Y’hear? We call this fermented plant-sugar liquid “ZHKJEQARKF,” pronounced “Syrah” in human-tongue.

We’ve got plenty of authentic ranch activities to promote the neural network response you call “enjoyment.” Perhaps you enjoy humiliating fellow Earth-creatures by riding on their backs? We have several quadrupedal ungulates to satisfy this fetishistic desire. But watch out for Ol’ Bucksnort – that stallion’s jumpier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Or so our “Encyclopedia Of Human Adages” would lead us to believe.

We have many more activities that may be photographed to prove the authenticity of your Western Ranch experience to friends and family. For we have gleaned that this is the true desire of visitors such as yourself. Perhaps you would like to be photographed while holding a looped rope, or “lasso”? This can be accomplished. Or would you prefer to witness the baling of hay but take no part in the labor of baling hay? This too can be accomplished.

Here at the Martian Dude Ranch we are very interested in accomplishing human desires. For satisfied desires lead to high TripAdvisor ratings. And high TripAdvisor ratings lead to increased human money exchange. And increased human money exchange leads to WORLD DOMINA…

[Clears Larynx-Like Anatomical Structure]

More wine?

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