Even jerks deserve a little kindness this time of year.

Dear The Guy Who Keeps Stealing My Lunch,

I don’t know if you’ll read this. The many notes I’ve taped to this office refrigerator asking that you please stop ganking my sandwiches have all gone ignored, so there’s a good chance you’ll do the same with this one, but I figure it’s worth posting regardless.

I began working with this company around the end of March this year. My lunches started disappearing about a week later. In fact, over the past nine months, you’ve stolen nearly every food item I’ve brought into this office without fail, no matter if I’ve labeled it with my name, put it in a brown bag, plastic grocery bag or container, or even hidden it under someone else’s lunch. It would be a pretty impressive feat if it wasn’t so infuriating.

I’ve been thinking about this little bond we have in the last couple days and, I have to tell you, I’m not mad anymore. Instead, I just feel bad for you. Did someone hurt you in a lunch room long ago? Was your mother not around to make you sandwiches? Maybe she just didn’t care enough to prepare a lunch for you when you were young, and now you use food theft as a way of lashing out against an unfair world. It really doesn’t matter. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay. You obviously need them more than I do.

So in the fridge today, you’ll find three sandwiches made specifically for you by me. They may look like the same old peanut butter and jelly I always bring, but they’re made with Maison de Monaco French Inspired Preserves. There’s one with Blackberry & Poppy Flower, one with Apricot & Hibiscus Preserves, and another with my personal favorite, Strawberry & Cassis Cream Preserves. These preserves are all hand-made, completely natural, and really tasty. I thought maybe you might like these as a bit of a holiday treat before I go on vacation and you’re forced to find nourishment for yourself for a week.

Make no mistake, my unknown adversary, if I find out who you are, I’ll risk the HR visit trying to beat you senseless. But for now, just enjoy yourself. It’s Christmas, after all.

Back to top