Stand back, everybody. I read about a guy who did this with a baby once.

Alright, you two, listen up. I’m sick and tired of hearing you both quarrel about who gets California Karma 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon & 2009 Chardonnay Case. Ah ah ah, I don’t want to hear about who paid for what or who’s the bigger wine connoisseur. Even though Harold here owes me thirty dollars from a football bet we made over a month ago now, I shall act as the impartial judge over this little disagreement.

Now then, let’s see what we have here. Ah yes, six bottles of the youthful California Karma 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon. Rich, full, bursting with juicy fruit, but smooth and with a balanced finish. I believe this was the very same wine Stacy and I were enjoying just before she got together with you, Harold. It was quite the aphrodisiac, as they say. But again, I’m not partial, just merely pointing out my prior experience with this wine. And your soon-to-be ex-wife. But mostly the wine.

And I see we also have six bottles of the California Karma 2009 Chardonnay. Very nice. Such a pleasant, round chardonnay, isn’t it? Why, I remember sipping some of this just the other day, the notes of fresh apple and light oak dancing cleanly along my tongue as I wondered, ‘Does Stacy ever think about that night? Maybe I should make a move when the divorce is final. There’s a chance I could be her rebound at least.’

EUREKA! Harold? Stacy? I have come to a decision. I think Harold should have the wine, and Stacy should let me take her to dinner and possibly a movie this Friday. No pressure or anything. Just a date. If some sparks fly, that’s cool. And don’t worry. I don’t care that you’re still “technically” married. Hey, I’ll even write off that silly debt you owe me, Harold. Have we got a deal?

Oh. Well sure, if you want to just split it up between the two of you, I guess that would work. It’s BORING, but whatever.

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