well these are the usuals

"do you know where i kept my pen"

"i dunno"

"Incentive is the one that does it for me."

A co-worker's mother passed away. She was 99. He took a week off for grievance. The following happened in the middle of the week:

Coworker1: "Hey have you seen Don?"
Coworker2: "He's out this week. His mom died."
Coworker1: "Oh wow. That's harsh..."
Coworker2: "Yeah. She was 99 though, so..."
Coworker1: "Oooooh.... Niiinety-Niiine, eh?... Isn't there a bar around here called 99?"
Coworker2: "Yeah. I went the other night."
Coworker1: "Great potato skins there..."
Coworker2: "Yeah... I met this girl there. She was smokin'! Nothing happened, though. So anyway, Don's not in today."


I facepalmed so epically I think I actually morphed into Capt. Piccard for a moment. Wai2fail, guys.

PemberDucky wrote:"Male koalas are frequently known to force themselves onto the females. It happens so much in the koala world that the females will actually empty their bowels during intercourse."

*pause*

"I often wonder why I know so much about koala rape."



I do, too, co-worker. I do, too.

I thought you worked on a dolphin ranch! Are these Sea-Koalas you're talking about?

ThunderThighs wrote:Who knew that dolphins had seasons? I learn so much on this site!!!

seasoned dolphin sashimi. mmm mmm good.

Coworker One: "Before us, black people were still in the plains, throwing spears around. We picked 'em up from that hole and brought them to the greatest country of all time: AMERICA. I don't see why they're so angry. We did them a favor."

Coworker Two(with a serious expression): "Yeah, I don't know. I guess some people just don't know how lucky they are."

The next hour continued in the same fashion. I've never been more disappoint. I'm considering a different job.

Smoothesuede wrote:Coworker One: "Before us, black people were still in the plains, throwing spears around. We picked 'em up from that hole and brought them to the greatest country of all time: AMERICA. I don't see why they're so angry. We did them a favor."

Coworker Two(with a serious expression): "Yeah, I don't know. I guess some people just don't know how lucky they are."

The next hour continued in the same fashion. I've never been more disappoint. I'm considering a different job.

Let me guess...you work at Cracker Barrel?

via email this morning:

All,

I have some muffins on my table. There are some banana nut and little blueberry muffins and a bunch of bran muffins. So if you want to be regular, come on down.

Respectfully,

(name removed)

moments later in the email:

Subject: Fat Pills in the Bullpen (Cupcakes with chocolate chips in and on them)


Enjoy!

Courtesy of (name removed)

V/R,
(name removed's assistant)

Smoothesuede wrote:Coworker One: "Before us, black people were still in the plains, throwing spears around. We picked 'em up from that hole and brought them to the greatest country of all time: AMERICA. I don't see why they're so angry. We did them a favor."

Coworker Two(with a serious expression): "Yeah, I don't know. I guess some people just don't know how lucky they are."

The next hour continued in the same fashion. I've never been more disappoint. I'm considering a different job.

People are idiots. Doesn't matter where you go. All you need to do is remove their reproductive capability.

Supervisor: Can we make it a tatami room?

During a discussion of the overflowing toilet in the Woman's restroom:

Coworker 1 (very prim and proper): I went in the stall the other day, and someone had forgotten to flush. I was trying to be nice so I flushed for them. TWICE! That thing just wouldn't go down! It was like a horse had gone in there.

several hours later....

A very pregnant Coworker 2: you know that turd Coworker 1 was talking about? That was me. Evidently pregnancy makes me constipated and I hadn't gone in 4 days! I TRIED to flush it, but it just kept popping back up!

Ah... the things ladies discuss at work....

Boss: When will this be done?
Me: Boss, remember telling me you'd get me this information, and me saying I'd need 2 days once I had that?
Boss: Yes.
Me: Remember getting it to me?
Boss: No.


(important to note, I'm on the final count down, today is the 6th and my last day is the 15th)

mwiseman wrote:Let me guess...you work at Cracker Barrel?

Close. The US defense industry.
I can't say I'm surprised to find racism in a place that builds war weapons.
A little scared. But it's an expected kind of scared.

Smoothesuede wrote:Close. The US defense industry.
I can't say I'm surprised to find racism in a place that builds war weapons.
A little scared. But it's an expected kind of scared.

It's interesting what we hear in offices of such nature...I work the other side of the defense industry...

In a meeting awhile back...

"I keep telling them, 5 years now, I keep telling them that _______ has to be installed to keep the planes in the air. We're going to have to get them grounded if they don't listen and get the _______ on those planes."

"Professor, is salt the same as starch?

PemberDucky wrote:"Yeah, it's like with that Large Hardon Collider thing."


Close. Very close.

HAHAHA

Mavyn wrote:Supervisor: Can we make it a tatami room?

How else is one to have a tea-ceremony?

Not overheard, but seen...




Except the little swirl was my name. ;)

Mavyn wrote:Not overheard, but seen...




Except the little swirl was my name. ;)

Congratulations!!!

I hadn't even known there was a contest. ;)

Mavyn wrote:I hadn't even known there was a contest. ;)

I'm betting no one else takes in cookies.

In a meeting:

Big Guy: Boss man never used to cuss. He's spent too much time around me, and now look at him.

Tall Guy: Aww, f*ck, I'll have to watch that.

Sassy Girl: I don't know what the f*ck you're talking about.

Boss man looks at me.

Me: I don't cuss often, it's just one of those things.

Boss man: Mavyn hasn't been exposed to you guys enough.

Me: I don't need anyone exposing themselves to me.

SkekTek wrote:Also, out of the blue, some student's ring tone is the hampster dance.

Nothing like hearing a long-dead meme on a brand new iPhone...

How about this one. At least a little more palatable.

"Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi your my only hope"

drove people crazy in their meetings

Received the following today in a chat from a colleague:

"The dist channel need to exisit why a real really. Under I'd me little - i'm need discussion this and the you and the not it, we need possible change / maybe expand this dist type thing."

He's usually quite eloquent. Real Really.

Well if you keep your staff in the dark, don't get pissy when they run into walls

hijinx" doesn't "happen". It "ensues"

Female 1: We finally watched Shrek 3. My favorite part was the part with the princesses.

Female 2: What princesses?

Female 1: You know, the ones from the fairy tales: Snow White, Cinderella, and...oh, what's that other one's name? The one that sleeps all the time.

Female 2: You mean Sleeping Beauty?

Female 1: That's not it. She sleeps in a tower, and the prince has to kiss her to wake her up.

Female 2: That's Sleeping Beauty.

Female 1 (getting annoyed): It's not Sleeping Beauty! It's a different character. Rapunzel, maybe?

Female 2: No, that's the one where she has really long hair that the guy climbs.

Female 1: I'm pretty sure that's Rumplestiltskin, 'cause she spins her hair into gold.

Female 2: *SIGH*

Neighbor in another cube is on hold. Rather than put on a headset, they've put their phone to speaker phone and are inflicting hold music on all of us.

Edit: Even better, they were on hold for a conference call...so now we're all listening to some random meeting.

stupidvisor: What do you mean by this - it is very vague?

peon: They need a copy of the Organizational Chart.

stupidvisor: a chart of this organization? I still don't know what you mean

peon: You know, an org chart. Who reports to whom done on a chart like this (shows picture of an org chart)

stupidvisor: Oh, well we don't have one. Why didn't you say that is what you were looking for

peon: (facepalm)

Coworker 1: Hey #2, what'd ya bring me?
Coworker 2: Oh, nothing.
...
Coworker 2: Seriously, nothing. Get your own damn food.

Overheard at "Holiday Party/White Elephant Gift Exchange Game:"

1) Come on, let's go Number 2!

2) Are you sexually harassing me?

3) These meatballs are delicious! (followed by a quietly spoken "that's what she said...")

Overheard in municipal office during holiday lunch they started talking about areas of the city. the tablecloth had a lot of glittery stuff on it

bossman: hey your neighborhood is pretty nice. How come it didn't go to crap.

managerguy: well the houses are beautiful and people really take pride in restoring them. The historic designation gives it alot of cache.

otherdude: isn't that neighborhood predominately joyous? that is always good for property values - they invest in their house & don't tax the schools.

bossman: it's a joyous neighborhood? (looking at managerguy)are you joyous? (boss has met manager's wife & daughter)

managerguy: well, you might want to ask my wife! and you know, I find that an odd question from a guy with glitter on his face.

I just want to grab it, wipe it on my pants, and put it in my mouth!

(coworker, after losing a piece of pepperoni off her frozen pizza and watching it fall to the floor)

"I was playing with it, but I didn't eat it. I didn't look at it!"

From neighbor who it creating a youtube account for the animal shelter she volunteers at: "Awesome animals is available. Oooh, we should use just 'Awesome', that's a better user name."

*sound of typing, following by a pause*

"Oh, it looks like that's already taken."

From a former co-worker who deals with luxury suites at an arena

Ok, great sir i will place the order for Friday nights game. I will just need your credit card info. what is the name on the card?? chase..C-H-A-S-E....visa V-I-S-A.