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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

...or shopping mall, or gym, or truck stop parking lot. Wherever you spend your time, lotlizards.

I'd say that I hear something completely absurd here at work at least once a day. I've decided to start logging these nuggets, and I invite you to join, EBW. I've got three to get started:

1. "Yeah! They lactate stardust!"

2. "Well, maybe here, but I promise it's not that uncommon in Sweden and Germany."

3. Co-worker A: "How do you know so damn much about ostriches?"
Co-worker B: "Uh, hello?! I went to school!"


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"I need more steak in my life."


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KtCallista


quality posts: 33 Private Messages KtCallista

girl: "Do you know where my pen is?"

guy: "did you say you lost your penis?"

girl: "well that to, but I think I know where it is."

___________________________________________________________________
Paper Napkins on the Edge of Insanity

You can call me Goddess, that's fine.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Somebody on the phone, presumably a personal call: "...Yeah, and some cole slaw...Cole...No, it's never been 'cold' slaw....Yeah, I get that it's cold...I know it's served cold, but that's not what the damn thing is called...No, no, I don't know why 'cole'...What the...G*d Dammit, I'm busy here!"


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SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Heard from two students while waiting outside for a lab to finish:

Girl- "and i was inside pulling hard, and he was outside trying to wedge it in"
Girl 2 "did it fit?"
Girl 1- "yeah, it finally popped in. But it scratched the inside bad and ripped some of the fabric once it got in there. My mom's gonna kill me. Plus I think I hurt my fingers..."



...laterz... (the gap is to make the above more funny)


Girl 2- I'd never let my boyfriend try to put a file cabinet in my car, no way in heck...

SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Also, out of the blue, some student's ring tone is the hampster dance.

Nothing like hearing a long-dead meme on a brand new iPhone...

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"I came home and he'd lit my whole couch on fire."


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Co-Worker A: "Leave it up to [Co-Worker B] to beat a dead horse! 'Hey guys! A dead horse! Let's beat it and beat it some more! And when we're done, we'll beat it!'"

Co-Worker B: "Hey, I don't make fun of *your* pastimes."



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danrpierce


quality posts: 0 Private Messages danrpierce

"It's like funkytown. All they do is talk about it, talk about it!"

SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Today some students outside were laughing about some class they just got out of wherein the professor/instructor ripped one during his lecture, and tried to cover it up with a cough.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Co-Worker on the phone with a customer: "Yo customer, I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the caller before you had the best question of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!"


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dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

SkekTek wrote:Today some students outside were laughing about some class they just got out of wherein the professor/instructor ripped one during his lecture, and tried to cover it up with a cough.



Was it you?

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek
dontwantaname wrote:Was it you?



Thankfully no. I don't know who they were referring to... but I would have paid to know. Wonderful gossip possibilities.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady
SkekTek wrote:Thankfully no. I don't know who they were referring to... but I would have paid to know. Wonderful gossip possibilities.



You couldn't get them to tell you?



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

pooflady wrote:You couldn't get them to tell you?



He could offer every professor some cough drops and gasX and see who takes it.

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Overheard in the OVAL office

Warning- language. Word refers to a colloquialism of a donkey.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

Overhead in the dog run. A young girl on a school day.

Well, my eye got red and the teacher called my mom to take me home.
As soon as we got home, my eye wasn't red anymore. So I get to spend the day here!

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
PemberDucky wrote:Somebody on the phone, presumably a personal call: "...Yeah, and some cole slaw...Cole...No, it's never been 'cold' slaw....Yeah, I get that it's cold...I know it's served cold, but that's not what the damn thing is called...No, no, I don't know why 'cole'...What the...G*d Dammit, I'm busy here!"



This got me curious so I hit up Wikipedia:

The term "cole slaw" arose in the 18th century as a partial translation from the Dutch term "koolsla", a shortening of "koolsalade", which means "cabbage salad".[4] It was commonly called cold slaw in Britain until the 1860s when "cole" (meaning cabbage) was revived. "Cole" originates from the Latin, colis, meaning "cabbage", and is the origin of the Dutch word as well.



teh moar u no!

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

Josephus


quality posts: 25 Private Messages Josephus
SkekTek wrote:Overheard in the OVAL office

Warning- language. Word refers to a colloquialism of a donkey.



Yo Skek, I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the poster before you had the best quote of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!

huntsalot


quality posts: 0 Private Messages huntsalot

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an Dr. Clayton Forrester.”
“This employee should go far, ….. and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"Well, that's a first. This guy just threw up on the phone."


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Schrobblehead


quality posts: 1 Private Messages Schrobblehead

Email from coworker who does not play fantasy sports in reply to being included on email about fantasy basketball league. redacted name was another co-worker.

"I've actually started my own fantasy league. It is based on the performance of a fantasy owner in his/her respective leagues. I took [name redacted] as my first pick. I figured the sheer volume of leagues he's involved in will make him a top performer."

I'm a Christmas Unicorn! In a uniform made of gold, with a billy-goat beard, and a sorcerer's shield, and mistletoe on my nose!

cjimenez4


quality posts: 0 Private Messages cjimenez4
Schrobblehead wrote:

"I've actually started my own fantasy league. It is based on the performance of a fantasy owner in his/her respective leagues. I took [name redacted] as my first pick. I figured the sheer volume of leagues he's involved in will make him a top performer."



I've created my own fantasy league its where all the idiots who have fantasy leagues brawl it out in a cage. and to spice things up everyone will have their own trained raccoon.

and yeah sure heard this in US history AP
person:"oh come on the only reason why no one will admit to wanting to own a slave is because there is like 3 black people in here."

this is a test. if you can read this then you have reached the end of my post.

arcsus


quality posts: 4 Private Messages arcsus

"Uh-oh. I think this Baba ghanoush has gone bad."

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

From a Twitter follow-ee: "That is a terrible logo. You should not make a logo for anybody again. You should take up farming or baking."


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SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Last week, was talking about my son being a bit wild this weekend to a coworker. Joked about duct taping him to the wall, etc. Good laugh.

Today we had an escaped white mouse for a maze experiement I'm having my students perform in a few weeks. It was in a room he couldn't get out of, so we baited a small trap with chocolate, and within 10 minutes, we got him, put him back in the cage, and put a rock on the top grate. But while we're looking for it, me 'n the lab guy had the following discussion approximately as the following:

"How'd he get out?"
"I dunno.."
"Was he in the cage?"
"YEah, must have jumped up and crawled under the top grate"
"We'd better catch him quick, cuz if we don't he could get himself hurt in that room"
"Yeah, let's get a trap.."

Coworker from before was walking by and overheard us. Slowed down and scowled. I asked why. Coworker said:

"Why did you put your son in a cage?"

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

One co-worker's hanging out around another co-worker's desk.
"Have you been eating curry? Your lunch smells really good."
"Haven't eaten yet. That's my new cologne."


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Co-worker 1: "My girlfriend never cracks my back. She never does any of that stuff for me."
Co-worker 2: "That's because you make her wear that stupid outfit."

Third co-worker, from across the room: It's a Sailor Moon costume! I've seen it!


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

On the phone: Yeah, no...no, I mean, that's a good size for a dog liver, no question...


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lplady


quality posts: 2 Private Messages lplady
PemberDucky wrote:On the phone: Yeah, no...no, I mean, that's a good size for a dog liver, no question...



Some strange conversations in your work place. I'm wondering if a worker at a psych ward would hear anything weirder. l o l

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

lplady wrote:Some strange conversations in your work place. I'm wondering if a worker at a psych ward would hear anything weirder. l o l



Maybe it *is* a psych ward!!

Today's gem:

Co-worker #1 is singing Whitney Houston. Poorly.

Co-worker #2: Yeah, I'm going to need you to not f*** up a classic like that.


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dpham67


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dpham67

@ Wendy's

Customer: Does the BLT have tomatoes in it?
Cashier: I don't know, let me ask.
*turns and calls out to the cook*
Does the BLT come with tomatoes??

erina7262


quality posts: 0 Private Messages erina7262

My boss for some reason only speaks in analogies...ones that don't even make sense.

Example of today's convo in regards to finishing a project:
"We are circling the airport on this one. Time to move up the conveyor belt and stop playing in the weeds."

One time, he mixed two classics up and we all just about died from trying not to laugh:

"Well, that was a tough nut to swallow."

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

SkekTek wrote:Last week, was talking about my son being a bit wild this weekend to a coworker. Joked about duct taping him to the wall, etc. Good laugh.

Today we had an escaped white mouse for a maze experiement I'm having my students perform in a few weeks. It was in a room he couldn't get out of, so we baited a small trap with chocolate, and within 10 minutes, we got him, put him back in the cage, and put a rock on the top grate. But while we're looking for it, me 'n the lab guy had the following discussion approximately as the following:

"How'd he get out?"
"I dunno.."
"Was he in the cage?"
"YEah, must have jumped up and crawled under the top grate"
"We'd better catch him quick, cuz if we don't he could get himself hurt in that room"
"Yeah, let's get a trap.."

Coworker from before was walking by and overheard us. Slowed down and scowled. I asked why. Coworker said:

"Why did you put your son in a cage?"



Chocolate?

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 592 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

One side of a phone conversation by an middle-aged female adult in the high school library:


Well you need to see if I'm in the mood first.

You either get it or you don't!



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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Co-Worker talking about the weird antique mall here in Vegas:
"Really, combine the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the Poltergeist and Little Secrets and you have the back of the antique mall. It's like it's colon."


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czardastx


quality posts: 3 Private Messages czardastx

So she says to the guy, "How about sex for lunch?"

He says "Hell Yeah!!!"

Really, what guy wouldn't trade sex for food? It's a win-win proposition.


The secret to a happy marriage is to split everything 50/50. My wife gets the big half and I get the little half. - Chief Buffalo Nickel

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady
czardastx wrote:So she says to the guy, "How about sex for lunch?"

He says "Hell Yeah!!!"

Really, what guy wouldn't trade sex for food? It's a win-win proposition.



That's some office you work in.



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Co-Worker #1: ...and then they wind up in India, get dysentery and die.


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Resident vegan sneers at co-worker's ramen. Co-worker responds:
You live on toothpicks and tofu. Come talk to me about food when you eat something other than toothpicks and f***ing tofu.


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