+ Add a Comment

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr



Better than a Flu Shot!


Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its
Strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it Wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent
The spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

ksucatinokc


quality posts: 0 Private Messages ksucatinokc

Then you'll really love the death panels...

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic

Do you need one of these?

A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines

pengu1n


quality posts: 13 Private Messages pengu1n
WineWootaholic wrote:Do you need one of these?



I have to give props to that as it made me laugh. I want one.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Two Women at the Pearly Gates:

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

Woman #1: I froze to death.

Woman #2: How horrible!

Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?

Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

bahwm


quality posts: 30 Private Messages bahwm

Halloween is coming
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...

FASTER...
BUMP...



BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP ...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,


The coffin stops

May our love be like good wine, grow stronger as it grows older. ~ Old English Toast

cheron98


quality posts: 123 Private Messages cheron98
bahwm wrote:The coffin stops



*groan*

I saw HitAnyKey42 on wine.woot! and clicked "I want one!"

Cesare


quality posts: 1641 Private Messages Cesare

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1641 Private Messages Cesare

The mailman’s last day


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses on his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ........but what's the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?
He said, "...F... him ...........give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, '.....But the breakfast was my idea.'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

mewalk707


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mewalk707

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started involving him by talking in a southern drawl and single-syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies, because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replied, and he went back to rambling. But, a moment later he stopped and bluntly asked, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responded and began rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith

Subject: HUSBAND DOWN

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system:
'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Subject: Workplace Math

I have never seen it explained like this, but it sure makes good sense.

Here it is as explained using a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint....it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic

During a recent password security audit, it was found that a blond was
using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines

javadrinker


quality posts: 4 Private Messages javadrinker

Hahaha...posted by a friend on FB. Yay for timely jokes:

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

And the path to drunken poverty continues... Java's Stash at CT

  • Wine.woots: um, lost count.
  • Other woots: um, lost count too. I might have a problem.

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic
javadrinker wrote:Hahaha...posted by a friend on FB. Yay for timely jokes:

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.



That's only one, here are the others.....

1)It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up
some tips on how to beat Tiger!

2)Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She
said "I don't know exactly. but put me down for a 5."

3)Q: What do Tiger and seals have in common?
A:They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

4)What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a
ball 400 yards.

5)Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract pushing her
own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods."the clubs you can beat
Tiger with.

6)"News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger
Woods' crash. They are calling it "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

7)Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that
"this was the closest shave I have had yet.

8)"It's not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive, hits a water
hazard, and ends up in the trees.

9)It's the first time Tiger's driven less than 250 yards.

10)What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They
went clubbing.




A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines

vaaccess


quality posts: 17 Private Messages vaaccess
WineWootaholic wrote:That's only one, here are the others.....



A few more...

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly...put me down for a 5."

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

Nike decided today that they need to do a little re-branding for Tiger to lessen the blow this might have on their sales. They've decided to go with a new name, but wanted to keep it in the cat family -> Cheetah

Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Wine Cooler (Image) currently at 47% of Capacity

My Current Inventory on CellarTracker

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
ddeuddeg wrote:Subject: Workplace Math

I have never seen it explained like this, but it sure makes good sense.

Here it is as explained using a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint....it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.



Gee this sounds familiar for some reason ....


MarkDaSpark wrote:Some math for Madwine:

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.

What makes life 100 percent?

If A=1, B=2. C=3, D=4, E=5, and so on for the rest of the alphabet F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Then, H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only

But, A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

And, B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that HARDWORK(98%) and KNOWLEDGE (96%) will get you close, but ATTITUDE (100%) and Cabbage Patch Elvis(103%) will put you over the top.




Towards the bottom of Page 3, where there are really good ones as well (most of the page).


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Cesare


quality posts: 1641 Private Messages Cesare

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff..'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.......

S**t on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so........

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg
MarkDaSpark wrote:Towards the bottom of Page 3, where there are really good ones as well (most of the page).



I thought it seemed familiar. But this latest one does have some additional material. Not to mention it omits the Cabbage Patch Elvis reference.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

And God created dog




The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves..'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . .

And Dog was happy. . .






And Cat didn't give a Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) one way or the other....


Rapper1


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Rapper1

Two Texans met one day at the fence that separated their ranches. One rancher bragged "It takes me all day to drive my truck from one end of MY ranch to the other end!" The other rancher said, "Yup, I had a truck like that once."

merbill


quality posts: 29 Private Messages merbill

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in northern Wisconsin were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through. So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

3X Wine Wooters FFL Champion, Commissioner, and Monkey Prize recipient
RPM Tours #2 & #4 Tourista
Wine Century Club Member #919

Cesare


quality posts: 1641 Private Messages Cesare

Naked Cowboy


A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '




'And here I am.'




Son of a Gun.
Blonde Men do exist

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

10 Things in Golf that sound Dirty .....

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Gotta keep this on the current page.

Not really a joke, just a couple of the highlight tweets of the year:

Tweeter: John Mayer
Tweet: "I need a pressure sensitive toilet seat that shuts off my wi-fi so I stop buying so many apps on the can. This is getting pricey."

Tweeter: Neil Patrick Harris
Tweet: "My first tweet, peeps. I apologize in advance for my slow learning curve. Nice to (sort of) meet you. It's amazing how quickly 140 charac"

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic

It's been so cold this winter, that I saw a Democrat with his hands in his own pockets.

A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some of the local folks, thank you.' As Cliff is leaving he stops. Gotta warn you, be some drinking.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.


Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines

CheeseWootaholic


quality posts: 0 Private Messages CheeseWootaholic

this really should be over in the Poli"ticks" thread, but they are too serious every now and then

Will Rogers was quite the cowboy, with all the wisdom of simple,
honest folk. His words still ring with common sense today...


Simple but Brilliant and full of truths! Enjoy!


Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.


2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.


3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works. (Did he know Nallie?)


4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


5. Always drink upstream from the herd.


6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.


7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.


8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.


9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.


11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.


12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.




ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old


Point Reyes Original Blue Cheese, 3 Sisters Artisan,BeeHive

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

The aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of the pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill the pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled heard. "Gee, Elmira," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota Motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation, he awoke to find himself passing gas in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "Honda". Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to stop the emissions, he sought a physician's aid.

After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing wrong with him, and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs, he visited a second and then a third doctor, all of whom told him the same thing.

Finally, one medic suggested he visit a dentist. Although he could not see how a dentist would help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem."

"What is it?" the man asked.

"Why, you have an abscess," said the dentist.

"An Abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.


"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows ... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

coynedj


quality posts: 7 Private Messages coynedj

The tribal wisdom of the Cherokee Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse.

However, in government, education, and MBA corporate America , more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how their cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase
dead horse performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course....
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

How on earth did I get 7 QPs?

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

I used to be into bestiality, necrophilia, and flagellation......

But that was just flogging a dead horse.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill. Who gets it?


The old drunk of course. The other three are mythological creatures.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car died. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he only had two beds, and one of the three men would have to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn, and let the other two have the beds. 10 minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn, there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep with a pig!"

The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, since he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about 5 minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he would go to the barn, since he had no problem sleeping with animals.


In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open, and the pig and cow entered.....


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

megsailor


quality posts: 3 Private Messages megsailor

WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

*This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.*

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
_____________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other scaffolding too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

LoonBoarder


quality posts: 7 Private Messages LoonBoarder

California vintners in the Napa Valley area who produce primarily Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

Dude... wait, what?

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

This thread has been quiet for too long, and I'll probably have to pay for this one somehow or other, but here goes:
Subject: A VERY Politically Incorrect Guy Joke

A woman who was beaten black and blue goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish."

Two weeks later she returns to the doctor, and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with chamomile tea and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

coynedj


quality posts: 7 Private Messages coynedj
ddeuddeg wrote:This thread has been quiet for too long, and I'll probably have to pay for this one somehow or other, but here goes:
Subject: A VERY Politically Incorrect Guy Joke

A woman who was beaten black and blue goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish."

Two weeks later she returns to the doctor, and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with chamomile tea and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"



I'm sure you WILL pay for it, as you said. But it was mighty funny.

I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

How on earth did I get 7 QPs?