A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(SCROLL DOWN....You'll love this!!!)













God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

A lonely spinster, aged 80, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person."

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns - unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House", in French, is feminine - "la maison".
"Pencil", in French, is masculine - "le crayon".

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her (older) French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.


The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Where's my chips?

tommythecat78 wrote:I would first wonder why the 5 year old was on a wine forum.

Damn, I know the answer to this riddle.....to get to the other side?

Don't know if this falls in the "clean" category but um, here it goes....

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you, to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

MarkDaSpark wrote:
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
...
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998."
...
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Uh, I know I'm not the only nerd on these boards, but really, the profit is $898.
500x2-100-2

sheesh

bkarney wrote:Don't know if this falls in the "clean" category but um, here it goes....

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you, to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

ROFLMAO!!!

joelsisk wrote:Uh, I know I'm not the only nerd on these boards, but really, the profit is $898.
500x2-100-2

sheesh

You forgot it was Enron explanation time. Enron Accounting methods accounts for the missing $100.

its suposed to be like "bow chicka bow wow"

bkarney wrote:Don't know if this falls in the "clean" category but um, here it goes....

An oldie but goodie, and cleaner than Sparky's oldie "I rang the doorbell."
This was a great idea. I'm enjoying some new ones, and re-enjoying some old ones.

ddeuddeg wrote:An oldie but goodie, and cleaner than Sparky's oldie "I rang the doorbell."
This was a great idea. I'm enjoying some new ones, and re-enjoying some old ones.

Yep me too. Here's a brand new one:

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

Cesare wrote:Yep me too. Here's a brand new one:

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

oooh that's good. still laughing, and I'm talking about full belly laugh here. Just sent it to my dad (he's going through a divorce) and he said "not cool, so not cool". only made me laugh harder! thanks for that one

OK, how bout this one: If you can't spell it.....

Cesare wrote:Where's my chips?

Now, why do I suddenly want a chicken sandwich?

bkarney wrote:OK, how bout this one: If you can't spell it.....

Hahaha -- excellent!

bkarney wrote:OK, how bout this one: If you can't spell it.....

That is some seriously funny Manos, the Hands of Fate right there!!

tommythecat78 wrote:That is some seriously funny Manos, the Hands of Fate right there!!

especially the "drag her" part!

ddeuddeg wrote:An oldie but goodie, and cleaner than Sparky's oldie "I rang the doorbell."
This was a great idea. I'm enjoying some new ones, and re-enjoying some old ones.

Thanks. Although I'm not sure I see how it's "cleaner". He bought a family size pack of condoms ... try explaining that one .....

Muffins
========

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man?

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part," explained Peter, "you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darned bran muffins!
I could have been here ten years ago!!"

3 MALES 2 FEMALES
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. “What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He answered, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear a sweater.'

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have is shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it’s probably worth it.

13. Don't squat with your spurs on.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

16. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

21. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ___ and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co

Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he is in a store waiting on his wife? Here is a letter that one wife received:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares!"..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the Bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he began to cry and asked "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously and loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

....and; last, but not least

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Purina Dog Chow Diet
I have a Labrador retriever and was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy-set man behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.
The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely
wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself
with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of
her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target; I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if
to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second
burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


Edit: These are "clean" enough right?? I mean we're all adults right

mewalk707 wrote:Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he is in a store waiting on his wife? Here is a letter that one wife received:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares!"..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the Bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he began to cry and asked "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously and loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

....and; last, but not least

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

ROFLMAO!!!! Way too funny!


And the others as well!

The other day I went to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Tom Servo.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I had come downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'McCain-Palin '08.'
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

10 Attributes of Really Lazy People

1. Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.

I hope this one doesn't hit toooooooo close to home for some people. L O L



Breakfast!!!!!!

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken

Nine words/phrases women use...

1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in Fine.

4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an WAFFLES! TASTY WAFFLES! and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the Manos, the Hands of Fate out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

"Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" she asks angrily.

"Are you kidding me?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

A short professional quiz

Some math for Madwine:

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.

What makes life 100 percent?

If A=1, B=2. C=3, D=4, E=5, and so on for the rest of the alphabet F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Then, H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only

But, A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

And, B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that HARDWORK(98%) and KNOWLEDGE (96%) will get you close, but ATTITUDE (100%) and pancakes(103%) will put you over the top.

Zipped Up

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''

At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''

Yellow Snow....

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do

You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to

Empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the

Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you

Want a bed near the window?'

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express praise for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord.
Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was
completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined
the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused
him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They
were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man
rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'"

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying.

He asked what was wrong.

'The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!' sobbed the head monk.