MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
MaskedMarvel wrote:What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow?













Brown-chicken-brown-cow!

(It help the joke if you sing it)



Nope. Sorry. Doesn't help singing it either.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

For Those Who Can't Understand The Enron Case. This is put in the simplest form so that everyone can understand.


An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the mule."

"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"

"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where are you from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

LoonBoarder


quality posts: 5 Private Messages LoonBoarder

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The
villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish,
they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This
renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys
again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever
harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot
about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less
catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However,
since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now
buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them
to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell
them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were
monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Dude... wait, what?

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Guide to Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?

A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.


Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and had to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they fax?

A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.


Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.


Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?

A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their need to fax becomes too great.


Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?

A. Unless you are really sure of the one you’re faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe faxing.


Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?

A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over (most people don’t mind if you try again).


Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?

A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.


Q. What happens when I fax the wrong person?

A. Ask that person if they enjoyed your fax. Then, fax the right person. We suggest, however, you not tell the right person of your mistake.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Southern California Freeway Schedule

If you are planning a trip to Southern California, please arm yourself according to the schedule below. Failure to comply will suspend you from freeway use. Additional violations will result in revocation of freeway use, and permanent placement on an LA Metro Transit bus.

Mondays - Small arms only - .38 caliber and under

Tuesdays - Lady’s shotgun day

Wednesdays - Men’s large caliber - scoped rifles only

Thursdays - Automatic weapons day

Fridays - Cannon and bazooka day, hand grenades ok (mornings only)

Saturdays - Men’s & Women’s Open, competition for prizes (most cars highest value total)

Sundays - Gun cleaning - off day, slingshots, squirt guns, gestures of profanity are all ok
NO THROWN OBJECTS


LA Freeway Authority:

Toll Free - 800 Surshot

Los Angeles - 213 Weapons

Long Beach - 562 Targets

San Fernando Valley - 818 Bullets

Orange County - 714 Handgun

Irvine Area - 949 Cannons



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying, “Nerds Not Allowed - Enter at Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

The truck driver says, “I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling.”

The bartender says, “Okay, truck drivers are not nerds” and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, “Why did you do that?”

The bartender said, “Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” said the patrolman. “But you can’t bait them.”



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

Buttered Floor.... ouch

CT

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON
ddeuddeg wrote:Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
Automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!


Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung-up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot!




Well, if blond jokes are in season...

Why was the blond so happy when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?






























Because on the box it said 2-4 years.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

A blind man takes a seat at the bar and taps the man next to him on the shoulder. “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?”

An irritated voice answers, “Look, buddy, I’m blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound wrestler and he’s blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man on the other side of you is also blonde. Still wanna tell a blonde joke?”

The blind man fell quiet. Moment passed, and then he said, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to explain it five times.”

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept heir promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope; not yet Bubbles.'

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now?' Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'

So on they row, and row, and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

coynedj


quality posts: 7 Private Messages coynedj

Two blondes are staring up at the night sky, and one says "Which do you think is closer - the moon, or Florida?"

The other one says "Well, duh - can you SEE Florida?"

I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

How on earth did I get 7 QPs?

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

cheron98


quality posts: 123 Private Messages cheron98
MarkDaSpark wrote:Nope. Sorry. Doesn't help singing it either.



It's sad that I get that one and you boys don't. I'm disappointed.

I saw HitAnyKey42 on wine.woot! and clicked "I want one!"

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 25 Private Messages ddeuddeg

EVER WONDER

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Also, why do wise man and wise guy have opposite meanings?

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

***Gross Joke Warning***

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?





A salad shooter.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

***Bad Joke Warning***

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

***Political Joke Warning***

What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?


One of them is organized.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

***Bad and Blonde Joke Warning***

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie carp?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

polarbear22


quality posts: 34 Private Messages polarbear22

A couple were walking on the beach and arguing when the man tripped over a bottle freeing a genie.

The genie told the man that he would get three wishes, but that whatever he wished for his wife would get double.

The man wished for a new sports car. The genie replied, "Very well. One car for you and two cars for your wife." And three cars appeared. Then the man wished for a million dollars. And there was one million for him and two million for his wife.

The genie then reminded the man that he was down to his last wish, so think carefully.

So the man said, "For my last wish, I want to be beaten half to death."

Polar bears are meant to be clever, very clever. They are the Einsteins of the bear community. - Anonymous
Please donate to the 2014 MS Bike Ride
Want to read what SonomaBouliste has to say about wine?
Ddeuddeg Cheesecake Cookbook
My Cellar

cheron98


quality posts: 123 Private Messages cheron98
polarbear22 wrote:A couple were walking on the beach and arguing when the man tripped over a bottle freeing a genie.

The genie told the man that he would get three wishes, but that whatever he wished for his wife would get double.

The man wished for a new sports car. The genie replied, "Very well. One car for you and two cars for your wife." And three cars appeared. Then the man wished for a million dollars. And there was one million for him and two million for his wife.

The genie then reminded the man that he was down to his last wish, so think carefully.

So the man said, "For my last wish, I want to be beaten half to death."



Oh that's just terrible!

I saw HitAnyKey42 on wine.woot! and clicked "I want one!"

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because", he replied, "that's a microwave."


Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

CHILDREN:

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 25 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a windowseat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine,
'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

polarbear22


quality posts: 34 Private Messages polarbear22
cheron98 wrote:Oh that's just terrible!



Ny wife thought it was pretty funny. Of course, i wasn't the one that told it to her.

Polar bears are meant to be clever, very clever. They are the Einsteins of the bear community. - Anonymous
Please donate to the 2014 MS Bike Ride
Want to read what SonomaBouliste has to say about wine?
Ddeuddeg Cheesecake Cookbook
My Cellar

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith
cheron98 wrote:It's sad that I get that one and you boys don't. I'm disappointed.



I still don't get it...

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

nallie


quality posts: 8 Private Messages nallie
otolith wrote:I still don't get it...


'K, please believe me when I tell you the only reason I know this is because my eldest son told me this joke and then patiently explained it to me. For the record, nothing has ever made me feel like a failure on so many levels as having my 19 year old explain this joke to me.

It sounds like a common porn music riff.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - h.keller
"If you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, there is no use in worrying." - j.white (and also Shantideva)

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith
nallie wrote:'K, please believe me when I tell you the only reason I know this is because my eldest son told me this joke and then patiently explained it to me. For the record, nothing has ever made me feel like a failure on so many levels as having my 19 year old explain this joke to me.

It sounds like a common porn music riff.



My night is now complete. I think I can now go to bed.

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

It's after Armageddon, and God comes and says, "I want the men to make two
lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the
other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all
the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God
looked, the women are gone and there are two lines of men.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God became angry, and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the
only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr
JOATMON wrote:A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.



Must read the product description on main.woot. Funny.

polarbear22


quality posts: 34 Private Messages polarbear22
Imagine4vr wrote:Must read the product description on main.woot. Funny.


Especially since they turned the ending into a non-sequitar. Hands him "another" $5.

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bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'

Edit: I can't believe I hadn't heard this one before!

CT

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

ERMD


quality posts: 1 Private Messages ERMD
nallie wrote:'K, please believe me when I tell you the only reason I know this is because my eldest son told me this joke and then patiently explained it to me. For the record, nothing has ever made me feel like a failure on so many levels as having my 19 year old explain this joke to me.

It sounds like a common porn music riff.




MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
bkarney wrote:Burying the goldfish



Ovaltina, my goat!!!!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $2,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas, and another in Reno."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Ah Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.