MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

New York (CNN): At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


Thought someone might have already posted this, but nothing came up on Google Custom Search (here on Woot) for "Al-Gebra, Jokes".


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

rjquillin


quality posts: 170 Private Messages rjquillin

how insensitive of you

CT

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
rjquillin wrote:how insensitive of you



True ... should I apologize to the Math Geeks?


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A well-dressed businessman walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The well-dressed man replies, "I'll have a glass of twelve-year-old Scotch." The bartender returns with the drink. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out, exclaiming, "That's ten-year-old Scotch! How dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior Scotch!" The bartender explains that the bar doesn't carry twelve-year-old Scotch, and he had thought the man wouldn't notice the two-year difference.

The well-dressed man next asks for fifteen-year-old bourbon. The bartender returns with the drink. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out, exclaiming, "That's twelve-year-old bourbon! How dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior bourbon!" The bartender apologizes, using his earlier explanation. The situation repeats itself regarding the well-dressed man's next request, this time for a glass of thirty-year-old Port.

Meanwhile, an old drunk at the end of the bar calls the bartender over and produces a glass. Handing the glass to the bartender, he says, "Give this to that well-dressed man, and tell him it's on me."

The bartender gives the drink to the well-dressed man, indicating the drunk at the end of the bar. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out. "My Lord," he cries. "That tastes like urine!"

"It is," replies the old drunk. "Now tell me how old I am."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

joelsisk


quality posts: 7 Private Messages joelsisk
ddeuddeg wrote:A well-dressed businessman walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The well-dressed man replies, "I'll have a glass of twelve-year-old Scotch." The bartender returns with the drink. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out, exclaiming, "That's ten-year-old Scotch! How dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior Scotch!" The bartender explains that the bar doesn't carry twelve-year-old Scotch, and he had thought the man wouldn't notice the two-year difference.

The well-dressed man next asks for fifteen-year-old bourbon. The bartender returns with the drink. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out, exclaiming, "That's twelve-year-old bourbon! How dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior bourbon!" The bartender apologizes, using his earlier explanation. The situation repeats itself regarding the well-dressed man's next request, this time for a glass of thirty-year-old Port.

Meanwhile, an old drunk at the end of the bar calls the bartender over and produces a glass. Handing the glass to the bartender, he says, "Give this to that well-dressed man, and tell him it's on me."

The bartender gives the drink to the well-dressed man, indicating the drunk at the end of the bar. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out. "My Lord," he cries. "That tastes like urine!"

"It is," replies the old drunk. "Now tell me how old I am."



that is not where I thought that joke was going... I was expecting something about a free way to get drunk.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg
MarkDaSpark wrote:New York (CNN): At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


Thought someone might have already posted this, but nothing came up on Google Custom Search (here on Woot) for "Al-Gebra, Jokes".

Somebody could have posted it a while ago. It's certainly old enough. Here's another version:

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off at tangents in search of absolute values. 'They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.

White House aides told reporters they "could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President". It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Lord Peter Feathering-Waltinghamstones

These are hilarious, but the 2nd one is the best!

Worms aka The Lord 1

The Lord 2 -- "Quick smart dear boy, I sense seepage."

The Lord 3 aka Ganja Madness


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

The Different Types Of Poop

Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON
MarkDaSpark wrote:The Different Types Of Poop

Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.



There is no way you can convince me this is a clean joke. I'm not even sure it is interesting. As such, I don't think it belongs.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
JOATMON wrote:There is no way you can convince me this is a clean joke. I'm not even sure it is interesting. As such, I don't think it belongs.



But it's been proven you have no sense of humor.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON
MarkDaSpark wrote:But it's been proven you have no sense of humor.



It is, in the most literal sense, dirty. Crappy, even.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
JOATMON wrote:It is, in the most literal sense, dirty. Crappy, even.







Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

rjquillin


quality posts: 170 Private Messages rjquillin

For those that have been snoozing.

~~~~ POTENTIAL 2014 RPM TOURISTS ~~~~

The rpm tour thread is heating up and deposits are being collected.

If you earlier expressed interest, time to visit and confirm your interest, and make a deposit if you're planning on attending.
If you'll be unable to attend, let us know so others on the wait list can make their plans.

Hope to see you there.

CT

edlada


quality posts: 3 Private Messages edlada
JOATMON wrote:It is, in the most literal sense, dirty. Crappy, even.



Come on, cut Sparky a little slack. When I was oh, 9 or 10, I would have thought that was hilarious.

My dogs like me, that is important.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
edlada wrote:Come on, cut Sparky a little slack. When I was oh, 9 or 10, I would have thought that was hilarious.



So a couple of year ago?


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

edlada


quality posts: 3 Private Messages edlada
MarkDaSpark wrote:So a couple of year ago?



A couple of scores ago!

My dogs like me, that is important.

bahwm


quality posts: 26 Private Messages bahwm

I found this on FB.Thanks to iByron:
Vahe Berberian

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???

May our love be like good wine, grow stronger as it grows older. ~ Old English Toast

Cesare


quality posts: 1565 Private Messages Cesare

CURTAIN RODS
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......

and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber