MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark




New Sub-Species??
They are referred to as homo slackass-erectus created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to affect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.




-- Bill Malik


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

cmaldoon


quality posts: 62 Private Messages cmaldoon



Why science teachers are not allowed to chaperone recess

2014 - 20 Btl. Fjellene (10 bot), Urraca Chard (10 bot)
Last purchase: 5/3/14

2013 - 75 btl. 2012 - 98 btl. 2011 - 112 btl. 2010 - 30 btl.
My Cellar

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Brain Transplant

In the hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Cesare


quality posts: 1650 Private Messages Cesare

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed..

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank..

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you ALL my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

A priest and a Rabbi were discussing the priest's recent promotion, and that he would be serving a large diocese. So the rabbi asks: "So, what comes next?" And the priest says: "Well, if I prove myself a faithful and capable servant of the church, I could one day become a bishop."

"Nu, and vhat's above that?"

"Well, it's incredibly unlikely, but after many years of service, they might deign to appoint me as an archbishop."

"And then?"

"Well, this is purely hypothetical, but perhaps one day I could become a cardinal."

"Dat's very good. But vhat's the next step after dat?"

"Well, it almost certainly wouldn't happen, but in principle, I could be elected Pope."

"Ah, impressive. So then, vhat's above dat?"

"There IS NOTHING beyond that! The one who outranks the Pope is G-d Himself! What? You think I could become G-D?!"

To which the rabbi gently replies, tongue-in-cheek: "Vhy not? One of our boys made it."

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he says with a deep sigh ...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

Today's offering reminds me of a politically incorrect joke...

Why is California like a bowl of granola?

What isn't fruits or nuts is flakes.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

richardhod


quality posts: 261 Private Messages richardhod

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter.
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.
Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with
six girls but I can't date any of them because daddys their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want.
Dont listen to him He isn't your father.".
Son, fainted.

joelsisk


quality posts: 10 Private Messages joelsisk

A man came home from golfing one day. His wife had left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother."

He opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.........

What the hell was she talking about??????

Cesare


quality posts: 1650 Private Messages Cesare

This one may bring a little tear to your eyes . . . Only a golfer
would understand this story of a GOLFER AT THE DENTIST.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting
out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the
anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want
you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't
have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . . .

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

joelsisk


quality posts: 10 Private Messages joelsisk

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge... He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark




Apologies if someone posted this one before.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith


An elderly couple, Margaret and Bart, moved to Texas .

Bart always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bart stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.


Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bart, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bart yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.


"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"


Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bart. Shoulda bought a hat."

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

Cesare


quality posts: 1650 Private Messages Cesare

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

I understand the new Pope would have been elected on the first ballot had it been clear initially that he was seeking divine guidance and not a divine guy dance.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
noslensj wrote:I understand the new Pope would have been elected on the first ballot had it been clear initially that he was seeking divine guidance and not a divine guy dance.



Actually, they were using the old Florida style ballot for the first 4 ballots.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

chipgreen


quality posts: 197 Private Messages chipgreen
MarkDaSpark wrote:Actually, they were using the old Florida style ballot for the first 4 ballots.

Pope Chad I

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked
where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, cavorting with wanton women, excessive smoking and staying out late and the effects on the human body."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.


Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…

Love,
Mom.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Jimmy Carter was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Jimmy pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Jimmy yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Jimmy slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Since April 15th is almost here ...


Someday, the income tax return will be simplified to:

1) What was your income last year?
2) What were your expenses?
3) How much do you have left?
4) Send it in.

-----------

John: Two things we're sure of, Death & Taxes.

Fred: Yeah, but one thing about death, it doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

-----------

IRS agent to taxpayer: I'm afraid we can't allow you to deduct last year's tax as a bad investment.

-----------

The Three R's of the IRS: This is ours, that is ours, everything is ours.






Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad
donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Way to kill the thread, D-Dog!



Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.

Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!... the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

An old married couple is travelling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

This is too funny!!

Newsfeed history of WWII



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

rjquillin


quality posts: 179 Private Messages rjquillin
MarkDaSpark wrote:This is too funny!!

Newsfeed history of WWII


I could, almost, see learning history this way.

CT

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

L.M.A.O. - It's Not About The Nail

The difference between men and woman.




Forgot to post this here first, then the Pub. Too good not to share in the Pub!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam. Nothing is moving.. Suddenly a man
knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped our entire Government. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two axx-holes.” “What! He had two axx-holes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two axx-holes.”


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

Lost in Translation

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Newspaper Glossary

When a newspaper uses a term like "informed source," what does it really mean? Herewith a glossary of newspaper terms.


  • According to published reports: We got scooped.
  • Activist: Will talk to press.
  • All American: White kid caught in criminal act.
  • Byline includes "With News wire services": No original reporting whatsoever -- we just changed the lead (first paragraph) to make it sound local.
  • Celebrity: Someone that has a publicist.
  • Controversial: He did something bad but we're not sure what.
  • Couldn't be reached for comment: The reporter didn't call until after 5 p.m.
  • Dapper: Hasn't bought new clothes in 20 years.
  • Diminutive: Under 5 feet tall.
  • Effervescent: She won't shut up.
  • Family Values: Right-wing Curly.
  • Feisty: Short, old female.
  • Good Samaritan: Too stupid to run away.
  • Guru: See "Self-styled".
  • Heiress: Able to hire a pricey divorce lawyer.
  • Hero cop: He got killed.
  • Hero firefighter: He put out a fire.
  • High-brow: Boring.
  • Highly placed source: One who would talk.
  • Hot button issue: Only editors care about it.
  • Informed source: Reads our newspaper.
  • Innocent bystander: Too slow to run away.
  • Knowledgable observer: The reporter.
  • Knowledgable observers: The reporter and the person at the next desk.
  • Legendary: About to die.
  • Long-time companion: They had sex once.
  • Mean streets: Slums.
  • Moderate: Fence straddler.
  • Modest, well-kept home: The cockroaches are dead.
  • Prestigious: Has indoor plumbing.
  • Progressive: Left-wing Curly.
  • Rarely interviewed: Promoting something right now.
  • Recently: We lost the press release with the exact date.
  • Reportedly: We stole this bit of information.
  • Screen Legend: Reporter is too young to remember his/her movies.
  • Self-styled: Phony.
  • Sexy: Better looking than reporter's mate.
  • Shapely: Face like a mud fence.
  • Shocking revelation: Leaked on a slow news day.
  • Socialite: Woman without job married to rich man.
  • Source who spoke on condition of anonymity: Publicist.
  • Stunned: Couldn't give a decent quote.
  • Supermodel: Her picture was printed somewhere.
  • Superstar: He has a publicist and an agent.
  • Teen idol: Reporter is too old to have heard of him.
  • Temblor: Reporter has a thesaurus.
  • Unclear, uncertain, unknown at press time: No one will tell us.
  • Venerable: Should be dead but isn't.
  • War-torn: We can't find it on a map.
  • Weeping: Tear spotted in one eye.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Cesare


quality posts: 1650 Private Messages Cesare

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'


He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

This one is a real groaner ...


A patient consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for 3 months.

"For something a long as that," said the medicine man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon, come back."

The patient dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon, he returned to the medicine man.

"How do you feel?" the medicine man asked.

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would laste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"…Hasn't affected my brothers though."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

fredrinaldi


quality posts: 36 Private Messages fredrinaldi
ddeuddeg wrote:Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Jimmy Carter was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Jimmy pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Jimmy yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Jimmy slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"



now THATS funny

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.