ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM”?

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch.It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook,if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the Floor!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have Known there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).That will have to do.You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear, "You just don't Know what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket! and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks,"What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ...........
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark



Antique White, Eggshell, Almond, Beige, Cream, Ghost White, Ivory, Linen, Old Lace, Pearl, Sea Shell, Snow, Vanilla, etc.


Where's the Hotel????


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj
MarkDaSpark wrote:
Antique White, Eggshell, Almond, Beige, Cream, Ghost White, Ivory, Linen, Old Lace, Pearl, Sea Shell, Snow, Vanilla, etc.


True story -

Years back I was out with DW when she was shopping at the mall. She said she was looking for a red top, so l decided to see what I could find. Saw something that I thought was attractive and so I brought it over. She looked at it and said, "That's not red; that's strawberry."

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
noslensj wrote:True story -

Years back I was out with DW when she was shopping at the mall. She said she was looking for a red top, so l decided to see what I could find. Saw something that I thought was attractive and so I brought it over. She looked at it and said, "That's not red; that's strawberry."





Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

edlada


quality posts: 3 Private Messages edlada

So this guy walks in to a bar, sits on the stool and puts his briefcase on the bar. He opens the briefcase. Inside the briefcase a little man jumps up, opens the top of a tiny grand piano, sits at the bench and starts to play a beautiful Beethoven piano concerto. A crowd gathers around this strange scene enjoying the impromptu concert. The music finishes with a flourish and the little man takes a bow as the crowd applauds wildly. The bartender comes over and says "Wow, that was wonderful, have a drink on me." The man asks for a beer and a thimble full for his little friend. The bartender brings the drinks and asks "Hey, I gotta ask, how did you find that little guy?" The man replies, "I was on a business trip in Ireland and on a day off I was out in the countryside and I came across a leprechaun trapped under a rock. The leprechaun promised anything if I would set him free. So I lifted off the rock and boy was he happy'" "What an amazing story" sad the bartender. "So what did you ask for?" "Well" said the man, "The leprechaun was old and a little hard of hearing so I ended up with a 12 inch pianist."

My dogs like me, that is important.

Cesare


quality posts: 1564 Private Messages Cesare

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie: Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK it was nude beach!" cried the son.
Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what nude beach was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

guzmantis


quality posts: 5 Private Messages guzmantis

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

Cesare


quality posts: 1564 Private Messages Cesare

Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Brought to mind by the latest threat to the Big Easy:

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer...

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana. God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???

So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

cmaldoon


quality posts: 62 Private Messages cmaldoon
MarkDaSpark wrote:I was at Wal-Mart...



the modern equivalent to " Two guys walk into a bar..."

2014 - 20 Btl. Fjellene (10 bot), Urraca Chard (10 bot)
Last purchase: 5/3/14

2013 - 75 btl. 2012 - 98 btl. 2011 - 112 btl. 2010 - 30 btl.
My Cellar

papamochi


quality posts: 1 Private Messages papamochi

Have you seen the research out of Napa Valley on a new strain of genetically engineered wine grapes for adults in Depends. It's called Pinot More.

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIEND DRINK WHITE ZINFANDEL!

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
papamochi wrote:Have you seen the research out of Napa Valley on a new strain of genetically engineered wine grapes for adults in Depends. It's called Pinot More.



You're a little late to the party.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

cortot20


quality posts: 132 Private Messages cortot20

I like that my timely but tasteless joke got modded. Oh well, you can't please everyone.

CT

papamochi


quality posts: 1 Private Messages papamochi
MarkDaSpark wrote:You're a little late to the party.



New enough to the site I didn't go back too far in the reading

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIEND DRINK WHITE ZINFANDEL!

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
papamochi wrote:New enough to the site I didn't go back too far in the reading



Welcome! But it wouldn't hurt to go back and look. I need to do it sometimes as well!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
cortot20 wrote:I like that my timely but tasteless joke got modded. Oh well, you can't please everyone.



Dang it! Now I want to remember what it was!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A Greek & an Italian were sitting in a Starbucks's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." ..... and so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality, he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark


An aspiring actor called home to announce with great pride that he'd been cast in an off-Broadway play.

"It's a real opportunity, Dad," he said, "I play this guy who's been married for twenty-five years."

"That's great, son," enthused his father. "And one of these days you'll work up to a speaking part."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj
MarkDaSpark wrote:A Greek & an Italian were sitting in a Starbucks's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." ..... and so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality, he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."



One time I heard a Swede and a Norwegian engaged in a similar conversation, though being Scandinavian they had to cite to more mundane accomplishments than Collosea and advanced accomplishments in education and politics.

Finally the Norwegian announced triumphantly that after all it was the Norwegians who invented the toilet seat. The Swede replied, "Ya, sure. But it was a Swede that thought to put the hole in it."

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
klezman wrote:...and pick the silliest version. Middle Endian dates make no sense. Please choose Big or Little Endian. When using unambiguous words it doesn't matter.



Little Known Facts about Canada:


  • Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, "I live in Cana, duuuuh," the name Canada eventually stuck.
  • It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, "Help! We're being invaded, eh!"
  • Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.
  • Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.
  • Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.
  • The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.
  • Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.
  • If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, "No!" You have to catch them in the act or they'll never learn.
  • Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada's evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.
  • Canada has no known industry. It's believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.
  • This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.
  • Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, "Eh?"



Thought I'd put this here in the jokes area. Especially since the 1st Special Service Force was a joint Canadian/US WWII group.



And I vote for moose overlord to be a Woot Filter! That or mutant snow monkeys.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj
MarkDaSpark wrote:Little Known Facts about Canada:

[list]
  • Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, "I live in Cana, duuuuh," the name Canada eventually stuck.

  • That's a tundra myth.

    The truth is that a bunch of the forefathers were sitting around one evening, drinking beer, and trying to figure out what name to give their new country. Finally they decided to just throw a bunch of letters into a hat, and take turns drawing from the hat until they got a name.

    The first guy reaches in, pulls out a letter, and says, "I got a 'C', eh."

    The second guys grabs a letter and says, "It's a 'n', eh."

    And the third holds up his letter and says, "A 'd', eh."

    And they figured that was good enough and went back to drinking beer and doing important stuff, like talking about hockey.

    noslensj


    quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

    Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

    Dear Grand-daughter,

    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

    I found that lots of people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

    'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

    Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

    Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

    I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

    Will write again soon,

    Love, Grandma

    MarkDaSpark


    quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
    noslensj wrote:Repeat joke



    I just wish people (including me!) would read the previous jokes here!


    Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
    *This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

    noslensj


    quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj
    MarkDaSpark wrote:I just wish people (including me!) would read the previous jokes here!



    So stop me if you've heard this before .....

    MarkDaSpark


    quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

    Have you heard the one about ...

    -- the two old maids that got on a drunk and nearly killed him?

    -- the careless canary that did it for a lark?

    -- the Traffic statistics which show that 90% of all people are caused by accidents?

    -- the high-salaried Movie Producer that was always trying to make a little Extra?

    -- the man who wouldn't practice birth control, and now they call him "Papa"?

    -- the farmer that couldn't keep his hands off his wife so he fired them?

    -- the cow that got a divorce because she got a bum steer?

    -- the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing the bed?

    -- the fellow who bought his girl a bicycle, and now she peddles it all over town?

    -- the chickens that ate racing forms and now they're laying odds?


    Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
    *This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

    Cesare


    quality posts: 1564 Private Messages Cesare

    "Jesus loves you."
    A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

    -il Cesare
    Sole Absolute Triple
    Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
    “In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

    iByron


    quality posts: 40 Private Messages iByron

    (only for the real nerds amongst us)

    What do wineaux Zombies ask for when they want a few glasses of wine?






    Branes ... Cantenac

    iByron's iCellar (I'm a reciprocal CT Cellar Buddy)

    Your Private WIneaux

    noslensj


    quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

    Great Moments in Newspaper Headline HIstory

    MarkDaSpark


    quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

    Isms ...

    Communism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk.

    Socialism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government, and then the government gives you some of the milk.

    National Socialism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and then takes both cows.

    Facism: If you have two cows, you milk both cows, and give the government half of the milk.

    Obamaism: If you have two cows, you kill one, milk the other and pour the milk down the drain.

    Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one cow and buy a bull.


    Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
    *This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

    ddeuddeg


    quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

    An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
    To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

    "Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


    Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

    MarkDaSpark


    quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied, "They're Carol's."


    Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
    *This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

    MarkDaSpark


    quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

    In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

    At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said

    "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"


    Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
    *This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

    MarkDaSpark


    quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

    My Sister's Christmas Rum Cake

    Every year around this time, my sister makes an attempt to create what she says is her masterpiece of culinary delight (in fact, she usually makes two or three attempts) but alas, I have yet to sample even a tiny morsel of it.

    Here is the recipe she uses:

    1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
    1c. butter 1tsp. soda
    1tsp. sugar lemon juice
    2 large eggs brown sugar
    1c. dried fruit nuts


    Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it?

    Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.

    Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

    With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.

    Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary.

    Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

    Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which).

    Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice.

    Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.

    Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees.

    Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.

    Now you know why.....


    Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
    *This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

    ddeuddeg


    quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

    Disclaimer: This is not necessarily intended to reflect my own personal political views. I just thought it was to clever to resist, and truth be told, if recent history is any indicator, it probably works well most years.

    Upcoming State of the Union: Is this going to be a great year! When the numbers match up like this it HAS to be something special! In the New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

    "Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


    Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

    chemvictim


    quality posts: 3 Private Messages chemvictim
    ddeuddeg wrote:Disclaimer: This is not necessarily intended to reflect my own personal political views. I just thought it was to clever to resist, and truth be told, if recent history is any indicator, it probably works well most years.

    Upcoming State of the Union: Is this going to be a great year! When the numbers match up like this it HAS to be something special! In the New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.



    I thought about it and tried hard, but I was unable to find offense.

    noslensj


    quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

    I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish. Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

    "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

    "OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its act together".

    "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

    polarbear22


    quality posts: 35 Private Messages polarbear22
    noslensj wrote:I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish. Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

    "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

    "OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its act together".

    "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.


    LMAO. Stole this and posted on FB. Within 30 seconds had several likes. Great joke.


    Polar bears are meant to be clever, very clever. They are the Einsteins of the bear community. - Anonymous
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    Cesare


    quality posts: 1564 Private Messages Cesare

    A guy asked a girl in the university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

    The girl replied with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

    All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

    The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

    -il Cesare
    Sole Absolute Triple
    Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
    “In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

    ddeuddeg


    quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg
    noslensj wrote:I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish. Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

    "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

    "OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its act together".

    "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

    Reminds me of the old one: If con is the opposite of pro, then Congress must be the opposite of progress.

    "Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


    Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook