ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2010

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted,'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

rdeason1


quality posts: 3 Private Messages rdeason1

My apologies if this one has already been posted.

Irishman's Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no." he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath..
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
'Are my test results back?'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath..
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
'Are my test results back?'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

Cesare


quality posts: 1650 Private Messages Cesare

$50 Lesson

I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she
grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents,
liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were
President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until
you're President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn,
pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over
to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him
the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the
eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

She was a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be o.k., you'll walk again and everything. However, your main "male part" was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans.

The doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new "male part" for you. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"?

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter-tops".

cjsiege


quality posts: 14 Private Messages cjsiege

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

As long as we're picking on husbands:

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, "Well, I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

richardhod


quality posts: 261 Private Messages richardhod

Found this on WB

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter



And, to follow, this:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/ask-a-navy-seal,12246/

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
cjsiege wrote:A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."




Umm, I think Cheron did that one already one or more pages back. Or maybe in the Pub.


Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace


  • 1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
  • 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
    Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
  • 3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
  • 4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  • 5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
  • 6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
  • 7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
  • 8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  • 10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  • 11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
  • 12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
  • 13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
  • 14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  • 15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

This one is especially appropriate, since we were recently discussing bereavement leave in the Poli-Ticks thread.


SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

unwoofer


quality posts: 2 Private Messages unwoofer

4 pearls of wisdom to remember. . .

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bicycle.

2. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

3. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

unwoofer


quality posts: 2 Private Messages unwoofer

Rum & ice will ruin your liver.

Whiskey & ice will ruin your heart.

Gin & ice will ruin your brain.

Coke & ice will ruin your teeth.

That bloody ice is LETHAL!!!
Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!!

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother

‎"Rupert Murdoch has issued a statement that he is touched by the many messages of support and sympathy left on Amy Winehouse's phone."

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

Flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 256 million people very happy.'

unwoofer


quality posts: 2 Private Messages unwoofer

(This one is for all the blonde women for always being the one in the "blond joke")


A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

NOTE FROM A TEACHER:

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Fell off the first page. Can't have that, can we?

A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Labor Day Investment Plan


  • If you had purchased $1,000.00 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!
  • If you had purchased $1,000.00 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
  • If you had purchased $1,000.00 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
  • But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.

And, as a bonus... a recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol per year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON
bhodilee wrote:Or clean and sparky!



MarkDaSpark wrote:Along with Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Cheerful, Brave, and Reverent.



Winning joke from Edinburgh Festival, "The requirement was that my password use 8 characters, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

iByron


quality posts: 40 Private Messages iByron

This one is wine nerd ready:

What do you drink on "Talk Like a Pirate Day" ?

Something German from, where else: Ahr.

iByron's iCellar (I'm a reciprocal CT Cellar Buddy)

Your Private WIneaux

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr


THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg
Imagine4vr wrote:(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

I'm not taking that bet!

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

The Attorney General wants to find out who's the best law enforcement agency, -- the FBI, the CIA, or the NYPD.

So she calls a group from each organization to meet her outside D.C., and she lets a rabbit loose in the woods, and says to the FBI group, "Okay, go find the rabbit."

The FBI goes in and two hours later, they come out without the rabbit, but call a big press conference and they say, "We lab-tested every twig and leaf in the woods, we questioned two hundred witnesses, and we have concluded that the rabbit broke no federal laws, and we let him go."

The Attorney General says, "I GOT A ROCK?!, you never found the rabbit." So then she sends the CIA in.

An hour later, they also come out without the rabbit, but say "The FBI was wrong. We found the rabbit, and he confessed to a conspiracy. We debriefed the rabbit, turned him, and he is now a double agent working for us."

The Attorney General says, "I GOT A ROCK?!, you never found the rabbit." So then she sends the NYPD in.

Fifteen minutes later, a bear comes stumbling out of the woods, looking like he has taken a really bad beating, and throws up his paws in the air and yells out, "All right! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

epistemologonhere


quality posts: 20 Private Messages epistemologonhere
MarkDaSpark wrote:The Attorney General wants to find out who's the best law enforcement agency, -- the FBI, the CIA, or the NYPD.

So she calls a group from each organization to meet her outside D.C., and she lets a rabbit loose in the woods, and says to the FBI group, "Okay, go find the rabbit."

The FBI goes in and two hours later, they come out without the rabbit, but call a big press conference and they say, "We lab-tested every twig and leaf in the woods, we questioned two hundred witnesses, and we have concluded that the rabbit broke no federal laws, and we let him go."

The Attorney General says, "I GOT A ROCK?!, you never found the rabbit." So then she sends the CIA in.

An hour later, they also come out without the rabbit, but say "The FBI was wrong. We found the rabbit, and he confessed to a conspiracy. We debriefed the rabbit, turned him, and he is now a double agent working for us."

The Attorney General says, "I GOT A ROCK?!, you never found the rabbit." So then she sends the NYPD in.

Fifteen minutes later, a bear comes stumbling out of the woods, looking like he has taken a really bad beating, and throws up his paws in the air and yells out, "All right! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"




I'm sure that's the LAPD. Except that the bear would be riddled with bullets.

___
007

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr


EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAM

A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco



At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA



One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked.
'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .. ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .'So how's your breakfast this morning?' “It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.. I can't seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit , MI


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . ... . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,


AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . ..



As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. . I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ... ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .. ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....



ONE MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.'

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Since today is Halloween .... The first joke is a gimme.


Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."


******


TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.


******


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."


******


One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out.

Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer.

The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well"

The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

tenuki


quality posts: 7 Private Messages tenuki

15 Cringeworthy Things Little Kids Say in Public

1. While discussing the 10 Commandments at Vacation Bible School (!), comparing "God's Rules" with rules the kids might have at home, my oldest -- then about 7 -- spouted: AT MY HOUSE, YOU DON'T DRINK FROM MOM'S CUP OF SODA WHEN IT HAS LIQUOR IN IT! -- Meredith

2. [My son] asked where my wienie was as I got out of the shower one day. I said, "Well, Mommies have a different kind of wienie than Daddies." So we get to the store later that day and he informs the cashier, "My Mommy has a different kind of wienie." Awesome. --Tiffini

3. Grocery store experience: my kid screamed, "PIRATE!!!" at a man wearing an eye patch. -- Cora

4. My son is bi-racial and thought every black man was Daddy. Once we were at the local grocery store and our cashier happened to be a black teenage boy. As we approached the register, my then 2-year old started yelling over and over, "DADDY." -- Lauren

5. My 4-year-old son felt the need to warn "old" people they will die ... he told a lady in the grocery, "Old people die ... and you don’t look so good" -- Edna

6. My 6-year-old grabbed our Rabbi's butt and said, "Squishy, squishy." -- Vicki

7. Age 3, regarding a morbidly obese lady dressed in red in a store: "Holy crap, that is a BIG, RED shirt!" -- Kerri

8. Saying our dinner prayer with the family, my 5-year-old wanted to say the prayer. So being that he wanted to be the big boy, we said sure. He says: God is Great, Beer is Good, and People are Crazy! -- Lena

9. Walking by the wine section of Whole Foods: "Mommy! Look at all this mommy juice! Look! Mommy juice everywhere!" I got more than a few snickers. -- Emily

10. My husband took my 4-year-old son to his uncle's funeral. When they were bringing the casket in or out of somewhere, my son said (pretty loudly), "What's in the box?" Luckily it got a few laughs, but ohhhh that was not one of his finest moments! -- Christina

11. My son pointed at a guy playing basketball, who had a prosthetic leg, and shouted, "Look mom! He's a cyborg!" I dragged him away quickly. He's totally into robots and all that, so it was a huge compliment coming from my son! -- Carissa

12. When I quit smoking, my 5-year-old at the time (she's 23 now) told her kindergarten teacher that she was so proud of me because I quit drugs. -- Erin

13. I guess I did not have great bathroom boundaries with my daughter. While in a shopping cart, checking out, sucking on a lollipop, my daughter pulls the lollipop out of her mouth and tells the person bagging the groceries: "Sometimes my mommy pees red." She said it like I was a superhero. -- Jennifer

14. Just a few weeks ago, my son was in the bath and declared, "I just have a kid-sized penis because I'm a kid. Not Daddy, though. He's a grownup, so he has a big penis. Daddy, your penis is THIS big" [said while holding his hands quite a wide distance apart]. My husband, however, told him, "Now THAT you're allowed to repeat anywhere and everywhere you want." -- Dorothy

15. ‎My 3-year-old daughter was out with her grandma, and the lady in front of them in line was writing a check without ID and generally being irritating. At the top of her lungs, she sighs and says, "Grandma, this is taking FOREVER. It takes daddy less time to poop and he's in there long enough to play a world of Angry Birds!" -- Jane

CT

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Siri Argument.

Warning ... some profane language.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith

We really are this simple. Don't make it complex!

Man Rules:

Please note….. These are all numbered "1" ...... ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

chemvictim


quality posts: 3 Private Messages chemvictim

Funny Man Rules. I have an answer for one of them which might be helpful.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

I want you to think about me and/or pay attention to me a minimum of a few minutes per day, and I want evidence. Said evidence can be provided in the form of taking a hint.

joelsisk


quality posts: 10 Private Messages joelsisk
chemvictim wrote:Funny Man Rules. I have an answer for one of them which might be helpful.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

I want you to think about me and/or pay attention to me a minimum of a few minutes per day, and I want evidence. Said evidence can be provided in the form of taking a hint.



you are in violation of #1.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg
otolith wrote:(Big quote)


OK, I've read this several times, and don't see a joke here. It is clean but interesting, and most of all, 100% ACCURATE, but where is the punch line?

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

tiger7610


quality posts: 17 Private Messages tiger7610

All the protons went to a party. They were enjoying themselves until the electrons attacked them. There was a scare in the party scene. Then emerged a brave man who took care of all electrons at once..All the protons were astounded by it and asked him who he was.
He replied, "Bond...Covalent bond"

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 185 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
ddeuddeg wrote:OK, I've read this several times, and don't see a joke here. It is clean but interesting, and most of all, 100% ACCURATE, but where is the punch line?



That they were all number 1?


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg
MarkDaSpark wrote:That they were all number 1?

Punch line at the beginning. Absolutely diabolical!

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

This was posted by VitasVinumHodie on the Pedroncelli Port offering thread earlier today. Thought it deserved a new life here.

Sherry or Port?

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.