Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr


Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess

touched would melt. No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his
daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He
thought diamonds are the hardest substance in
the world and would not melt. But alas, once the
princess touched them, they melted. He too was
sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel
what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.






Question:

What was in the prince's

pants?

(Scroll

down for the answer)















M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

ericclem


quality posts: 4 Private Messages ericclem

The Elephant Cycle:

How do you know an elephant is in bed with you?
From the "E" on his pajamas.

How do you know an elephant is under your bed?
You're closer to the ceiling.

How do you know if an elephant is in the closet with you?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Why do elephants drink?
To forget.

What's the brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out ducks.

How do you know if an elephant was in your refrigerator?
There's a toeprint in the butter.

How do you know if there were two elephants in your refrigetrator?
Two toeprints in the butter.

How do you know if there were three elephants in your refrigerator?
Three toeprints in the butter.

How do you know if an elephant has been doing the nasty in your house?
You can't find any trash bin liners.

How do you get a giraffe into a VW bug?
Open the door, insert giraffe, close door.


How do you get an Elephant into a VW bug?
Open the door, remove the giraffe, insert elephant, close door.

How many elephants can you fit into a VW bug?
Four; two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?
You can't; it's in his blood.

What's southbound, grey, and has a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

What's northbound, brown, and has a trunk?
A mouse returning from vacation.

How do you know if there's four elephants in your refrigerator?
There's a VW bug parked out front.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Thought you might enjoy this … if I haven't posted it before that is .....


Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap, and said: "Elegant Lady. I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a divine meal of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

"I don't freaking think so!"

The End.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

merbill


quality posts: 29 Private Messages merbill

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad Report card. That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

3X Wine Wooters FFL Champion, Commissioner, and Monkey Prize recipient
RPM Tours #2 & #4 Tourista
Wine Century Club Member #919

mewalk707


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mewalk707

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2011 it will begin offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic

2011 Year to date (1 week) statistics on Airport screening

from the Department of Homeland Security




Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
mewalk707 wrote:Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2011 it will begin offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.




It isn't???? :shock:

I thought it was the other other white meat?


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

unwoofer


quality posts: 2 Private Messages unwoofer

Marriage:

Its like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a freaking club and a spade.

richardhod


quality posts: 261 Private Messages richardhod
unwoofer wrote:Marriage:

Its like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a freaking club and a spade.




Mawwwage...

JOATMON


quality posts: 20 Private Messages JOATMON
richardhod wrote:Mawwwage...



Nicely done!

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

sanity


quality posts: 5 Private Messages sanity
richardhod wrote:Mawwwage...
JOATMON wrote:Nicely done!


Now, if you had said "Impressive...!"


joelsisk


quality posts: 10 Private Messages joelsisk
sanity wrote:Now, if you had said "Impressive...!"



no no no. Say Man and Wife!

ciaranannrach


quality posts: 3 Private Messages ciaranannrach

Back to the band/music jokes!

------

A girl went out on a date with a tuba player. When she returned from the date, her best friend asked her how good a kisser her date was. She replied, "It was terrible! He had such big, sloppy, wet kisses!"

The next night, she went out with a trumpet player. After the date, her friend again asked her about how good of a kisser her date was, to which she replied "Terrible! His lips were all tight and puckered up."

The following night, she went out with a French Horn player. Again, after the date, her friend asked how the French Horn player kissed, to which she replied, "Ehh, pretty good, but I just *loved* the way he held me."

ciaranannrach


quality posts: 3 Private Messages ciaranannrach

Three couples are attempting to join a rather exclusive church, to which there is an extensive admission process. The final of which, is to practice abstinence for a full week.

Following the week of abstinence, the first couple walks into the church to talk with the Pastor. The Pastor asks, "How did you do with your week?"
The husband replies, "Well, we've been married for twenty years now, so it was pretty easy for us."
The Pastor smiles, congratulates them, and bids them to enter the church.

The second couple arrives, and the Pastor asks them as well how they did during their week. The husband replies, "It was hard, we've only been married for a year. We were tempted a few times, but came out strong." The Pastor congratulates them, and has the couple join the first couple in the congregation.

Finally, the third couple arrives, looking somewhat worn, and the Pastor poses to them the same question as he did the first two couples. The husband looks at the Pastor and says, "We are newlyweds, so it was really tough. We were doing good, though, until this morning. Our eyes met over breakfast, and we were so overcame with passion that we made love right then and there on the spot."

The Pastor looks somewhat disappointed, and shakes his head. "I understand, but I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't let you join our church."

The husband looks sheepishly at the Pastor and remarks, "That's OK. They won't let us back in that restaurant again either."

ciaranannrach


quality posts: 3 Private Messages ciaranannrach

An obese man, wealthy man, and a hoopy man all die and meet each other in purgatory. An angel appears before them and explains that, while they have all lead good lives, they are all sinned, and are qualified to go to either Heaven or Hell. The angel continues, telling them that they are to pass one final test, which will determine their fates - they are to talk down the street, and if they can reach the end of the street without succumbing to temptation, then they will be accepted into Heaven. However, if they fail, they will be sent to Hell.

The obese man chuckles, thinking this will be easy, and begins walking down the street. As he walks down, he spies a donut shop, the smell of fresh donuts wafting through the air. Mouth watering, he heads towards the shop, and poof! He disappears.

The hoopy man and wealthy man see this and decide that it would be safer to travel together, and prevent each other from falling into temptation. As they walk down the road, the wealthy man spies a shining gold coin just ahead of him. Looking around, he bends over to pick the coin up....and poof! They both disappear.

[Edit] Woot filters strike again!

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus Question to test your perception, reasoning, and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.

To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time, but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are.....


.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover one Q's and A's)




First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<



Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!


Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?


Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You're not very good at this, are you?



Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 .. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer......





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe....

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana,2. Nene,3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary! Read the question again!




Okay, now the Bonus round, i.e., a final chance to Redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~




It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and asks for a pair...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!


PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Have a nice day, one and all




Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ciaranannrach


quality posts: 3 Private Messages ciaranannrach
MarkDaSpark wrote:
snip



Thought we were doing jokes, not riddles!

Cesare


quality posts: 1695 Private Messages Cesare

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the Big Chief of the tribe:

"Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have
short names like Bill , Tex or Sam?"

"My son", replied his father, "Our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a
poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely
repeat their names from generation to generation. For example, your sister's
name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because, on the night she was
born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born
on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared
near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and of the life force
of our people. It's really very simple and easy to understand.

"Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In
China?"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
ciaranannrach wrote:Thought we were doing jokes, not riddles!



Mostly, but this is a way to make fun of people ... who get it wrong that is.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Light-bulb Horoscope Jokes


Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None. Arians aren’t afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (“smash”)


Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
A2: None. Taureans don’t like to change anything.
A3: One, but just “try” to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the “Bluffer’s Guide to Changing Lightbulbs.”
A2: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they’re done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.
A3: Two, but the job never gets done – they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!


Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A2: Just one, and they’ll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A3: None. A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.


Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Leos don’t change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.
A2: One. He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
A3: None. A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
A4: None. Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.


Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Virgos don’t have time to change their own lightbulbs. They’re too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let’s see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who’s fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they’re changing the bulb...


Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No – on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A2: Why change the bulb? Isn’t it more romantic in the dark?
A3: Well gee, I don’t know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it’s just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn’t know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps...


Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: None – they’d rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do “you” want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.



Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A2: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a Jatravartid burned out lightbulb?
A3: A whole bunch. I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.


Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: None. Capricorns can’t afford new lightbulbs – unless they’re a legitimate business expense.
A2: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
A3: None. Why should I bother? It’s probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.


Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A2: A hundred, but they’ll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A3: Like, why don’t you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I’m, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.


Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A2: Huh? The light’s out?
A3: None. Only the inner light matters.



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the
intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close!
That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!'

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age, treachery and skill will always overcome youth and exuberance! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

richardhod


quality posts: 261 Private Messages richardhod
Imagine4vr wrote:One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the
intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close!
That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!'

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age, treachery and skill will always overcome youth and exuberance! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.



splendid!

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 35 Private Messages ddeuddeg

We can't have this falling to the second page. That just won't do. Ergo:

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.
He just walked in."



"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674
MarkDaSpark wrote:A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


I am so doing this to my wife!

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 35 Private Messages ddeuddeg
sgoman5674 wrote:I am so doing this to my wife!

But first, make sure she's holding nothing scarier than a spatula.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
sgoman5674 wrote:I am so doing this to my wife!



Or maybe try this first ....


Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

merbill


quality posts: 29 Private Messages merbill

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names..'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' And they all comes a runnin'. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

3X Wine Wooters FFL Champion, Commissioner, and Monkey Prize recipient
RPM Tours #2 & #4 Tourista
Wine Century Club Member #919

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 35 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 35 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess if she could put them in a freezer for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as many folks think they are.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 187 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

Customer: 'Tried but nothing”

Tech Support: “What key did you hit?

After a moment and some clinking sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.



Although most times it's been more of "Where's the Any Key?"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 35 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Might be a record, off the first page in less than 10 days. Gotta fix that.

"Orville Smith, a store manager for BEST BUY in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw.... injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the Marine."

Now, that's a well written Police report.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

funbunny


quality posts: 26 Private Messages funbunny

What do you call a mushroom who buys a round of drinks in a bar?

A fungi to be with.

"Wine is sunshine held together by water" - Galileo Galilei

Cesare


quality posts: 1695 Private Messages Cesare

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes', the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin..
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel?'

'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1695 Private Messages Cesare

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shi.t"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1695 Private Messages Cesare

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and an Italian guy from New
York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in
front of them.


The Italian Guy from New York fumed, "What's with those frickin' jerks?
We're waiting 15 minutes between shots!"


The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"


The rich businessman called out, "Move it, time is money!"


The Catholic priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him. Excuse me, sir!" said the priest, "What's wrong with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"


The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."


The group fell silent for a moment.


The priest said, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them
tonight."


The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he might be able to do for them."


The rich businessman said, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the Fire
Fighters' League in honor of these brave souls!"


The Italian guy from New York said, "Why the F can't they play at
night?!"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

unwoofer


quality posts: 2 Private Messages unwoofer

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait........, Sorry.

I'm thinking of alcohol. It's alcohol that does all that crap.

Never mind.

unwoofer


quality posts: 2 Private Messages unwoofer

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 35 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but when we pray in my church, we keep our head down."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook