Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....


"I didn't feel a thing."

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

A girl from New York and a girl from the West Coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The New York girl,being friendly and all, said, So, where ya from? The west coast girl said, From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence. The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya from, bitch?"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly,
but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

davirom


quality posts: 10 Private Messages davirom

Fake Science

For when the facts are too confusing.

http://fakescience.tumblr.com/

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _



Answers Below, Don't cheat












Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU ?????



Me too.

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg
Cesare wrote:
You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU ?????
Me too.


Me too. But I'm not totally fixated, because my wrong answer for #1 was boots.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A Cowboy from Fort Worth,Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Lubbock ,Texas .What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s.hit?

----------

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

The Polite way to Pee
.................................
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the Following question:
.................................
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner With a nice young lady,how would you tell her That you have to go to the bathroom?'
...
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
...
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would Be rude and impolite.
...
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to Go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
...
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to Say the word bathroom at the dinner table.......And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain For once and show us your good manners?'
...
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
...
The teacher fainted.

----------

richardhod


quality posts: 261 Private Messages richardhod
Imagine4vr wrote:The Polite way to Pee
.................................
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the Following question:
.................................
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner With a nice young lady,how would you tell her That you have to go to the bathroom?'
...
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
...
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would Be rude and impolite.
...
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to Go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
...
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to Say the word bathroom at the dinner table.......And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain For once and show us your good manners?'
...
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
...
The teacher fainted.



Even better punchline, subtly: "I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner."

merbill


quality posts: 28 Private Messages merbill

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'. The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house.'

Wine Wooters Part Deaux FFL Champion and Monkey Prize recipient
RPM Tour #2 Tourista
Wine Century Club Member #919

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again.

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY.

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early... She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg

The Bitter Truth!

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

“For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By now, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on..

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

DEER CAMP

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the
group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I
pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."


So, Here I am.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr


The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

----------

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

So three men become stranded on a deserted island. Two of the guys are the stupidest men on the world and the third is the smartest man in the world.

They find a lamp on the island. They rub it and low and behold a Genie pops out! "Thank you for freeing me from that lamp. I will give you three wishes split among you three."

So the one of the two stupid guys goes first. "I wish to become the smartest man on the planet and build a boat so I can get off this island."

*Poof* he turns into the smartest man in the world, builds a boat and sails away into the proverbial sunset.

The second stupid man goes next. "I wish to become even smarter than that guy so I can build an airplane and get off this island."

*Poof* he turns into a man even smarter than the first guy, builds an airplane and flies off the island and into the proverbial sunset.

The third man, the smartest man in the world, is finally up. "I am tired of being super smart! I wish to be the stupidest person in the world."

*Poof* he turns into a girl scout.

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says.

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."

So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are
you committing suicide?".

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1474 Private Messages Cesare

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, I’m going with you, I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

The guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

----------

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

----------

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,


Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,



And says:


















'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

----------

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 169 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles just add character. Bald men are just more macho. Fat men can still have all the women and sex they want. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks, airplanes, cars, boats, guns, plumbing and wiring. Take a stroll at 11 pm, no problem. A two-week vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Buddy wears same suit to a party? Who cares. Same bathing suit for 15 years. You own the remote. You always get to bar-b-que. You get to go camping, fishing, hunting with your buddies whenever you want. Wife gets a minivan. You get a Corvette... and a Harley.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Black socks go with anything. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. Grey hair just makes you look more distinguished. You only shave your face and neck. Tattoos? No problem.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. Most of your stuff is unimportant... you can easily throw all things away... memories... what memories? You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache or beard.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes at Walmart.

No wonder men are happier.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like awoman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work.

----------

tenuki


quality posts: 7 Private Messages tenuki

Boy: You are ABCDEFGHIJK

Girl: What does that mean

Boy: Attractive, Brilliant, Cute, Darling, Elegant, Funny, Gorgeous, Hot!
...
Girl: Awwww! What does IJK mean?
Boy: I'M JUST KIDDING!

CT

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 169 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Cesare posted this in an old pub, but it really also needs to be memorialized here .....


Tiger Oil Memos


Just too funny!!!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further.. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite
at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

cheron98


quality posts: 123 Private Messages cheron98

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait... sorry...
I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.
Never mind.

I saw HitAnyKey42 on wine.woot! and clicked "I want one!"

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 169 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

"The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 169 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Holidays ....


Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year.

And then discover once a year is way too often.

-- Johnny Carson



The Supreme Court ruled against having a Nativity scene in Washington D.C.

This wasn't for religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 23 Private Messages ddeuddeg

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'



Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator'

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 169 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 169 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

On marriage .....


Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.


Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.


Marriage is the only sport which requires the trapped animal to buy the license.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


A smart husband buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


The three stages of sex in marriage: Tri-weekly, Try weekly, and Try weakly.



But on the bright side ....

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night it was offer and honor.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

polarbear22


quality posts: 33 Private Messages polarbear22

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how
to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was...

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW! - I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did.' I then held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the The Touch of Satan (1971)out of me....



Polar bears are meant to be clever, very clever. They are the Einsteins of the bear community. - Anonymous
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