MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
randysanders wrote:So Johnny is a Senior in High School; in mid-June, and he's called into the Principal's office and told that he's one credit short to graduate. The Principal tells Johnny that, during graduation practice he'll be asked one question, and if he can answer it, he'll graduate.
During graduation practice, it's Johnny's turn to practice crossing the state, and the Principal asks him; "What's three times seven?" Johnny says "twenty one", and all the other kids start shouting; "give him another chance!"



So, a Common Core school?

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

The Next Generation

A 75-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.

As he got to the student quad he saw a young man studying hard, bringing back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.



"Your generation will never understand my generation," the kid lectured. "You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine," the student said.

"Is that right?" the elder man said.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry a dozen books on a tiny chip in my pocket organizer. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and," he paused to take swig of beer....

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young -- so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard, what are you doing for the next generation?"

Ah, seniors: they may be slow, but they're thorough!

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

chipgreen


quality posts: 286 Private Messages chipgreen
MarkDaSpark wrote:The Next Generation.........
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry a dozen books on a tiny chip in my pocket organizer.....


Pocket organizer, the original PDA!
That must be an old joke....

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
chipgreen wrote:Pocket organizer, the original PDA!
That must be an old joke....



Obviously, there were only a dozen books on it!

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Travel To Australia

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were supposedly posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the supposed actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney -- can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so take lots of water.



Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

randysanders


quality posts: 8 Private Messages randysanders

Did you see the news on the new disease that is ravaging Silicon Valley?

96% of the victims are male.

Highly educated people seem to be more vulnerable to the disease.

The victims get a pale complexion and become lethargic.

It makes the victims totally unattractive to the opposite sex.

They think most of it originates in China.

They're calling it the IEEE Virus.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Predicting His Son's Profession

A Tennessee country preacher had a teenage son, and as he neared the end of high school it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study desk three items: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The older man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the three items on the desk. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. His father, watching quietly, started to silently thank the Lord. But then his son picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, and twisted the top off the bottle and took a big drink!

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Hot And Cold

As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 68th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day so we could travel together. After my examination, the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"



"In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining my wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

My wife just rolled her eyes and let out a big sigh. "That's because," she said, "the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Terrible New Virus

Please pass around this new warning! This is a serious threat!

- - -

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand:

This virus has been dubbed by experts in the field the "Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK)" virus. It is highly contagious and spreading rampantly. Be on your guard!

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, do not touch it! The consequences are severe: this virus can wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest retail outlet for either of the two known antidotes -- both work equally well:
Work-Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take either or both antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Warning: Severe cases can be cleared out with Liquid Intensely Quenching Ultimate Obliteration Remedy (LIQUOR), which has multiple side effects, but sometimes is the only cure.

Your best remedy, as always, is avoidance. Approach possible WORK infestations with great care.

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

noslensj


quality posts: 54 Private Messages noslensj

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that …
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Frank, and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark



       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark


The Brick Joke

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks.

He had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

The Cannibals

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers for a defense contractor.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees."


The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.

However, the janitor has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed a thing, and you had to go and eat the one guy who works around here!"

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

The Airplane

There once was a woman who decided to take a plane ride to visit her relatives.

Now, this woman was very fond of her dog, a nice little poodle. She loved the mutt so much that she took it on the plane ride with her. (This was back in the beginning days of air travel.)

When she sat in her seat, she had the inconvienence of sitting next to a rather large, rude man.

But, she decided to make the best of it. The plane took off, and the ride was pleasant, for a while. Then, the man lit up a cigar. Now the woman, not liking cigar smoke asked him kindly:

"Could you please put that cigar out?"

"No way in hell!", the man replied indignantly.

She then asked again,"Please put out that nasty cigar!"

Again, he said,"No way!"

She adamantly continued,"If you don't put out that cigar, I'll throw it out the window."

He then said,"If you do that I'll throw your dog out."

Vehemently, the woman didn't believe it, "Fine." and grabbed the cigar, chunking it out the window.

The man was furious so he threw the dog out.

The woman cried and cried until the plane reached its destination.

After landing, when exiting the plane, she saw her dog at the bottom of the stairs.

And do you know what was in it's mouth?







The BRICK!!!!!!!

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 68 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Poorly Understood Laws of Physics

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers -If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal;
someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!

Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. - Hester Browne
Filmmaker/winemaker Francis Ford Coppola says his two professions are almost the same and that each depends on source material and takes a lot of time to perfect.
The big difference: "Today's winemakers still worry about quality."


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 68 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Room Service

The following was nominated for "best e-mail" on the Internet. It's a
telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review.....

Room Service "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS "Rye.. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djoowish to oder sunteen??"
Guest "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS "Ow July den?"
G "What??"

RS "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS "Ow July dee bayhcem... crease?"
G "Crisp will be fine."

RS "Hokay. An San tos?"
G "What?"

RS "San tos. July San tos?"
G "I don't think so."

RS "No? Judo one toes??"
G "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes
'means."

RS "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."

RS "We bother?"
G "No.. just put the bother on the side."

RS "Wad?"
G "I mean butter... just put it on the side."

RS "Copy?"
G "Sorry?"

RS "Copy... tea... mill?"
G "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy.... rye??"

G "Whatever you say."

RS "Tendjewberrymud."
G "You're welcome."

Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. - Hester Browne
Filmmaker/winemaker Francis Ford Coppola says his two professions are almost the same and that each depends on source material and takes a lot of time to perfect.
The big difference: "Today's winemakers still worry about quality."


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

randysanders


quality posts: 8 Private Messages randysanders

So there's a new college fraternity
for Buddhists...Alpha Omega Alpha.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.

Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 234 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Old People ...


After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’

       x20             
Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 68 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Subject: Where To Retire

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!



OR

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. - Hester Browne
Filmmaker/winemaker Francis Ford Coppola says his two professions are almost the same and that each depends on source material and takes a lot of time to perfect.
The big difference: "Today's winemakers still worry about quality."


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 68 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A darn good Golfing Story

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'


‘She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... )

Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. - Hester Browne
Filmmaker/winemaker Francis Ford Coppola says his two professions are almost the same and that each depends on source material and takes a lot of time to perfect.
The big difference: "Today's winemakers still worry about quality."


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 68 Private Messages ddeuddeg

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.

So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for this year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more…

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more…

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Only two more so ease up on the scratching…

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?$1,750,000

PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. - Hester Browne
Filmmaker/winemaker Francis Ford Coppola says his two professions are almost the same and that each depends on source material and takes a lot of time to perfect.
The big difference: "Today's winemakers still worry about quality."


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

chipgreen


quality posts: 286 Private Messages chipgreen
ddeuddeg wrote:..........
* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?$1,750,000

PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.




bahwm


quality posts: 58 Private Messages bahwm



A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .


The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
and KILLED HIM."


The blonde says,"Don't worry."


She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.


The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,


"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"


The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..


(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,


"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!

May our love be like good wine, grow stronger as it grows older. ~ Old English Toast

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 68 Private Messages ddeuddeg

An Irish rugby fan, a Scottish rugby fan and an English fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided
they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to
allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Scotsman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow
only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Scotsman's in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishmen was soon led away
whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness",

The Irishman replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
And your second wish"?
"Tie the Englishman to my back.

Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. - Hester Browne
Filmmaker/winemaker Francis Ford Coppola says his two professions are almost the same and that each depends on source material and takes a lot of time to perfect.
The big difference: "Today's winemakers still worry about quality."


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook