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MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Post away folks!!!


Edit: PSith Master L was faster on the trigger ....


And keep them CLEAN!!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Cesare


quality posts: 1593 Private Messages Cesare

Ok I'll start with a blonde joke.

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and Fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, Then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, One girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't Understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm Impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it Up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I Suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do we Drive on the Parkway and Park on the Driveway?


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

kylemittskus


quality posts: 229 Private Messages kylemittskus

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "He Descartes. Do you want a beer?"

Descartes thinks for a few seconds and says, "No, I don't think..." and he disappears.

"If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine." -Rainer Maria Rilke

"Champagne is a very kind and friendly thing on a rainy night." -Isak Dinesen

kylemittskus


quality posts: 229 Private Messages kylemittskus
MarkDaSpark wrote:EVER WONDER



How does Teflon stick to pans?

Why don't we call hemorrhoids asteroids?

How can there be a civil war?

"If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine." -Rainer Maria Rilke

"Champagne is a very kind and friendly thing on a rainy night." -Isak Dinesen

themostrighteous


quality posts: 12 Private Messages themostrighteous
kylemittskus wrote:Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "He Descartes. Do you want a beer?"

Descartes thinks for a few seconds and says, "No, I don't think..." and he disappears.


i've heard that one with "I think not" instead. i know i know, it's the same idea, but it conforms more closely to the form of his famous pronouncement. just thought i'd share.

do you know... what biodynamics is?

kttest


quality posts: 2 Private Messages kttest

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said........


{Insert picture of baby boy here}


'You got Male!'

- Krista
"Wine is the most civilized thing in the world." -Ernest Hemingway.
NYC Tastings Summary courtesy of HAK

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary,
Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join
forces and become:Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining willmerge and become:ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and
become:FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become:Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become:Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge
under the new name:TittyTittyBangBang

kylemittskus


quality posts: 229 Private Messages kylemittskus
themostrighteous wrote:i've heard that one with "I think not" instead. i know i know, it's the same idea, but it conforms more closely to the form of his famous pronouncement. just thought i'd share.



Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Hence, "I don't think, therefore I am not." Hence, he says, "I don't think," therefore he is not. I love critical debates.

Also, what's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

"If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine." -Rainer Maria Rilke

"Champagne is a very kind and friendly thing on a rainy night." -Isak Dinesen

themostrighteous


quality posts: 12 Private Messages themostrighteous
kylemittskus wrote:Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Hence, "I [i]don't[/] think, therefore I am not." Hence, he says, "I don't think," therefore he is not. I love critical debates.

Also, what's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.


except that you started his response with "No,..." but, seriously, precision is overrated. especially if you are a liar to begin with. which you have summarily established. :P

EDIT: not to mention the fact that you seem to be suggesting that 'i don't think' & 'i think not' are not equivalent. the latter phrasing can have both the meaning that you might be ascribing to it (ie 'i disagree') and the meaning required of Descartes famous pronouncement (ie 'i am not a thinking being'). the latter meaning is admittedly less common today but, then again, so is any mention of Descartes. and so i repeat: :P

do you know... what biodynamics is?

Cesare


quality posts: 1593 Private Messages Cesare

A timely joke:
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, 'Is this the holiday when you light eight candles?'
'No,' the Jewish girl replies, 'that's Hanukkah.'
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, 'Is that when you eat those big crackers?'
'No,' the Jewish girl replies, 'that's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar.'
The Catholic girl replies, 'That's what I like about you Jews - you're so good to your help.

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

javadrinker


quality posts: 4 Private Messages javadrinker

I still love the jokes my nieces and nephews pass on when they first start learning jokes. When one niece was 6 she told me...

"What did one alligator say to the other alligator when they were eating a clown?"

"I don't know, what?"

"Does this taste funny to you?"

*Insert canned laughs*

Now she's 10 and all I get is attitude.

And the path to drunken poverty continues... Java's Stash at CT

  • Wine.woots: um, lost count.
  • Other woots: um, lost count too. I might have a problem.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they’d never seen before. Each of them bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked at his friend and said “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you!”

“Why not?”

“I took one bite, and went blind for half a minute!”


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Budweisers. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadbloack! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on out foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba."

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.

They peeled off the labels, threw the bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

coynedj


quality posts: 7 Private Messages coynedj

Good one on company policy there!

This one's a bit political, but I thought it was kinda funny.

Teaching math in 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

Teaching math in 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a measly profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

How on earth did I get 7 QPs?

jwhite6114


quality posts: 119 Private Messages jwhite6114
javadrinker wrote:I still love the jokes my nieces and nephews pass on when they first start learning jokes. When one niece was 6 she told me...

"What did one alligator say to the other alligator when they were eating a clown?"

"I don't know, what?"

"Does this taste funny to you?"

*Insert canned laughs*

Now she's 10 and all I get is attitude.



That's a 6 year old joke? I love it!

Right up there with:

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?


Right where you left it.

Edit: I am still giggling!

CT | | | | | |

jwhite6114


quality posts: 119 Private Messages jwhite6114
MarkDaSpark wrote:Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they’d never seen before. Each of them bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked at his friend and said “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you!”

“Why not?”

“I took one bite, and went blind for half a minute!”



Good thing you're Polish. Otherwise that might be considered offensive.

CT | | | | | |

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

Bit long....but well worth the read. I can never read it all the way through without crying laughing - enjoy!



Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy carp, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

CT

mewalk707


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mewalk707
bkarney wrote:Bit long....but well worth the read. I can never read it all the way through without crying laughing - enjoy!

Chili Cook-Off



Thanks... I was supposed to go out after work tonight. Now i'm going to have to go home first and put fresh make-up on. That was flippin' hilarious. I needed that.

mewalk707


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mewalk707

Why parents drink



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME."

conroo


quality posts: 5 Private Messages conroo

One day a man was visiting a small Mexican city. He walked into a restarant and was surrounded by a wonderful smell. He could hardly wait to try the local cuisine.

He asked “What smells so good?”

The waiter said “Once a week we have a bull fight around here. What you smell is Rocky Mountain Oysters from the bull. I am sorry sir, but you will have to wait until next week to get some because only one person can be served as there is but one bull in the fight.”

So the next week the man goes in and orders the Rocky Mountain Oysters. He is in luck because he got there and ordered them first. They were frying and he smelled the wonderful smell and could hardly wait.

When they were brought out however, he was disappointed in the size of them. The ones he saw served the last week had been bigger. He ate them and before leaving he commented that they had been small.

“Well I am sorry Señor, but sometimes the bull he wins!”

W:too many to count
WW:too many to count
SW:too many to count
SOW:too many to count

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his orbs and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running.

The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel. John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.

Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying…….and wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look Paddy, there’s that ratholes that got in our car while we were pushing it.”

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

Motivational thought for the day

This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa


So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself,

Remember:
Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like an old penis with buck teeth must be horrible!

Edit: My apologies if that is not clean enough, but I haven't stopped laughing yet.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78

THE OLD MAN AND THE TEENAGER

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When
the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.”

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

Cesare


quality posts: 1593 Private Messages Cesare

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second

On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant .

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just frakking with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON
tommythecat78 wrote:Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his orbs and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'




Weren't these supposed to be "Clean but Interesting Jokes"?

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78
JOATMON wrote:Weren't these supposed to be "Clean but Interesting Jokes"?


Which part does this not qualify? Not necessarily jokes, but funny. Totally clean if not taken out of context. Interesting on the other hand...you may have me there.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON
tommythecat78 wrote:Which part does this not qualify? Not necessarily jokes, but funny. Totally clean if not taken out of context. Interesting on the other hand...you may have me there.



I look on those you offered as similar to the riddle, "What goes in hard and red and comes out soft, pink and sticky?"

How would you explain to a 5 year old exactly why these are funny?

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

tommythecat78


quality posts: 18 Private Messages tommythecat78
JOATMON wrote:I look on those you offered as similar to the riddle, "What goes in hard and red and comes out soft, pink and sticky?"

How would you explain to a 5 year old exactly why these are funny?


I would first wonder why the 5 year old was on a wine forum.

___________________________________________________________________________________________
My Cellar (has not been updated in forever)
Do the people want fire that can be applied nasally? -Golgafrinchan Marketing Consultant

mewalk707


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mewalk707


A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

"The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not. You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

mewalk707


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mewalk707

A while back I put this on our letterhead like an official memo and distributed it to my entire department (including my boss). And I wonder why no one here takes me seriously.


COMPANY POLICY EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:


Dress Code:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wear expensive attire, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress well and prudently, you are evidently living comfortably and do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called 'Saturday' & 'Sunday'.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work when someone dies. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Average-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their ideal figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, as that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

sanity


quality posts: 5 Private Messages sanity
mewalk707 wrote:Why parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"

....snipped....

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME."



omgosh this brought back a memory. My younger sister and I wanted to get away from the chaos in our house (a German/Irish family, 8 kids....you get the picture.) We hid in a bedroom closet; a deep closet, with large shoe drawers underneath We each found our place, opposite sides of the closet, behind all the familiar clothes, and promptly fell asleep. i was 4, my sis was 3. The police were summoned, the neighbors arrived, and we were eventually discovered, still slumbering.... 6 months later I decided to run away from home. Problem was, I visited all the neighbors on the way out of town. My older sister finally caught up with me about 4 blocks down the street. 2 months later, during nap time (I hated naps), I crawled out the bedroom window, barefoot, walked to the park at the end of the street, and watched an afternoon movie, with popcorn and soda. A local parks and recreation program sponsored all kinds of activities, and knew my family well. About 5 pm my mom calls (by now she knew not to call the cops yet). This is but the beginning of my gypsy ways.....thanks for the memory, mewalk707

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg
bkarney wrote:Bit long....but well worth the read. I can never read it all the way through without crying laughing - enjoy!



By the time I got to #5, I could hardly read through the tears.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg
tommythecat78 wrote:I would first wonder why the 5 year old was on a wine forum.



"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooo?  Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
Automatically stupid.  So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!

Helllooooo?  It's been a year, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung-up.  He never called back.  Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot!

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

MaskedMarvel


quality posts: 11 Private Messages MaskedMarvel

What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow?















Brown-chicken-brown-cow!

(It help the joke if you sing it)

jwhite6114


quality posts: 119 Private Messages jwhite6114
MaskedMarvel wrote:(It help the joke if you sing it)



To what tune?

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