Row Row Row Your Wine
Did you know that wine grows in rows? It's true! Just like corn, each bottle ripens in the sun, then has to be pulled from the glass-and-cork flower where it begins its life. Also, we're lying. Oh, did we say that part out loud?
The hard part of buying wine is sorting out the lies from the truths. For example, did you know that the the motion of rowing a boat began with thirsty sailors trying to double-fist their cups of wine? No? Well, good, because that one isn't true. But the story where Twenty Rows is from Napa Valley? Yeah, that one's completely accurate.
So how do you tell? How can you divide the "This 2010 Chardonnay is sourced from Oak Knoll with a nice balance of apples and tropical fruits" kind of truths from the "Chardonnay was named by a man who often hauled chard with a talkative horse" kind of lies? Well, the answer is, you can't. So don't even try.
Because the real secret of wine buying is that it doesn't matter what "real" is. All that matters is how the wine tastes (in this case: tasty!) and what kind of story you can tell to the people you're drinking it with. Don't you know? Give 'em enough and they'll believe ANYTHING.
That's why this is a five-pack, you see. Take our advice and save the story about the chard until at least the third bottle. It'll go over a lot better at that point.