Hello, Wine.Woot customers. Or, as we say at home: "Quack."
First, I want to emphasize how very appreciative I am of your considerate treatment over the years. Ducks are often welcome in your communities. You quack at us in your pidgin Duck. Your children playfully herd us away from our resting places. And, of course, you provide us with very old bread. All fowl should be so fortunate.
In fact, that would be sufficient. But you take it further, humans. You overachievers. You raise the bar, as they say in corporate boardrooms.
You eat us.
Now, now, I realize I sound as if I'm being insincere. But no! On behalf of my anatidae siblings (except swans, who are mostly inedible dillholes), we are so grateful for your consumption of us.
It wasn't always that way. Some of the more crass and tasteless amongst your species would eat us with foamy beers or soda. Worse - WORSE! - some of you would pair our meats with subpar wines. Beasts, if you don't mind my saying so.
But you get it now. You finally understand. You're dining on our fatty breasts and flavorful thighs with these remarkable Summerland Pinots. You're getting the most out of us ... you're optimizing your duck consumption, or "ducksumption," as we say in the biz.
On behalf of ducks everywhere, humans, I raise a glass to you and say, "eat up."
And seriously, stay away from the swans.