Bacon, The Wonder Drug
Cured or uncured, bacon is a cure-all for, well, everything.
Depression. Anxiety. Pink eye. Inflated self-worth. Hemorrhoids. Rabies. You name it, bacon can cure it. You could eat it on a burger, baked potato, or whip it up into the base of a salad dressing. Or, thanks to these aromatic and flavorful spreads, you could eat it right off a spoon or just slather it all over your ailments. Don't believe in the medicinal benefits of bacon? Well, try this historical fact on for size:
You know that old saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Well, the true phrase is actually "Two strips a day keeps the doctor away." But in the 1920s, the Apple Farmers of America, facing possible bankruptcy, hijacked it for their marketing efforts. They even got real doctors to back it, even though everyone knows that eating too many apples CAN KILL YOU.
As a result, people have been blindly consuming dangerous fruit instead of delicious pork fat, as nature intended, ever since. It's time to put things right.