Savino Connoisseur: Wine Preserving Carafe

by wootbot

Quantum Drink

A wrinkle in wine.

DEAR WOOOT CUSTOER SERVICE:

I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU. I BOUGHT THE SAVINO WINE PRESERVING CARAFE AND USED IT AND NOW TIME HAS STOPPED ALTOGETHER. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

-LARRGY HARMOM

 

Dear Larrgy,

Thank you for writing Woot customer service. We appreciate your time as well as your business.

We were told by our manufacturer that this can happen. Some of the carafes are actually energy vortices that function as time portals. We’re not sure if there will be a recall. Sorry about that. Please use the coupon code WINEWARP at checkout the next time you buy from any of our sites and enjoy $5 off your purchase!

Best wishes,

Dennish

 

DEAR DENNISH:

UNACCEPTABLE. MY DOG IS STUCK IN MIDAIR AND I CAN’T FINISH COOKING MY DINNER. MY WIFE HAS BEEN PAUSED ON THE TREADMILL FOR AGES. ALL THE CARS AND PEOPLE OUTSIDE ARE UNMOVING. THE WORLD IS EERILY QUIET AND STILL. I BRIEFLY CONSIDERED LOOTING, BUT DECIDED THAT WOULD BE UNETHICAL. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO TO FIX THIS. THANK YOU FOR THE COUPOM.

-LARRGY

 

Hi Larrgy,

I spoke with the manufacturer. Have you tried removing the oxygen-limiting float? Doing so allows energy to dislodge and time will continue to move through the portal in a more conventional fashion. Let us know if that doesn’t work.

Dennish

 

DENNISH:

THANKS. THAT SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED. INCIDENTALLY, IF TIME STOOD COMPLETELY STILL, HOW WAS I ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU IN REAL TIME?

-LARRGY

 

Larrgy,

Sometimes a plot device has to be manipulated in the name of a deadline.

Dennish.