All employees are reminded that they are not now, nor have they ever been, allowed to consume chardonnay during work hours.
To: Accounting Employees of Basement Level 3
From: The Management
Re: The coffee machine
The running of a successful business depends on all team members adhering to stated guidelines. And, as has been discussed at length, said guidelines forbid employees of the subterranean floors from using the coffee machines reserved for upper-level employees. The management is aware of and appreciates the fact that the basement coffee is watery and tastes of hot dogs, and while this is regrettable, remedying the situation has at this time not been classified as a priority.
The management understands that this lack of drinkable coffee, coupled with the dearth of natural lighting, has lead to some of the employees drinking wine during the workday. The management would like take this opportunity to remind all basement employees that such behavior is NOT acceptable. The management would also like to point out that it is fully aware of the basement employees’ attempts to surreptitiously put wine in the coffee machine. The chardonnay’s vanilla cream, fresh pineapple, and perfumed citrus blossom aromas have mixed with the hot dog smell, and you’re not fooling anyone.
Due to this behavior, all basement employees have henceforth had their elevator and bathroom privileges revoked. Any basement employee found using the elevator or bathroom will be summarily terminated. This also goes for any employee trying to sneak any more chardonnay into the coffee machine.