Look, if you're not supposed to feed this to birds, then why does it have a bird right on the label?
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for joining us today. You donors have all been so instrumental in helping to bring the Carlsbad Aviary to life, and the city will greatly benefit from this wildlife sanctuary as soon as its doors are opened. Unfortunately, it looks like that won’t be happening just yet.
You see, while things did appear to be on track, it seemed that we had forgotten to feed the birds anything. I think we had just assumed that birds nourish themselves by catching bugs or something, and as we forgotten to hire an ornithologist of any kind, no one had told us otherwise. Prompted by the birds’ constant squawking, we went down to the K-Mart and picked up some bird seed. While some of the birds seemed to like it, many birds, such as the vultures and penguins, just ignored it.
Putting our heads together, we tried to think of what else birds might like to eat. We all agreed that fruit seemed like a good way to go. But some of us at the aviary also thought they had seen birds eating flowers before, too. What could we feed them that had both fruit and flowers, though? Then it hit us: why not feed them the very wine we had been drinking all night? It was an R. Merlo 2010 Pinot Noir, and with aromas of Bing cherries and lilacs, it seemed like it would be right up the birds’ alley! Not only that, but there were additional flavors of red currants, plums, oak, and minerals; surely there’d be something for everybody; or everybird, should I say! There was even a bird on the label, which clearly seemed like a sign.
Anyway, the birds didn’t seem to care for the wine. But we weren’t about to skirt our responsibility to nourish these creatures, so we just held them and forced them to drink it. This is where we began to run into trouble. Many of the birds were just too fast to catch, while others, such as the vultures, became rather aggressive after being compelled to drink so much wine. The penguins never even had any, as they were at this point largely unresponsive. In retrospect, it may not have been a good idea to leave them out in the dry Southern California sun. But let's try not to focus on that; there’s no use crying over spilt milk, or dead penguins.
The point of all of this is that we are at this point completely broke. We spent all our remaining funds on Pinot Noir, and the surviving birds are still very hungry, and rather belligerent to boot. So if you donors could see it in your heart to so generously give us another injection of cash, we’ll be able to buy a few more cases of the Pinot Noir to feed the birds. We’re pretty sure they just need some time to acquire the taste.