Gourmet Nut Spice Rubs, Set of 5

by wootbot

Unity through spice.

Stop me if you've heard this one: a burger, a chicken, a steak, a peach, and a roasted vegetable walk into a massage parlour...

Chucky the Chicken, Pollyanna the Peach, Sonny the Steak, Benny the Burger, and Chantal the Roasted Vegetable had always been great friends, but they’d never really been able to find group activities that catered to all five of them. Sonny’s favorite thing was bumper cars, but Pollyanna hated them. Chucky and Candace were big fans of dubstep, but according to Benny it was “wub wubby ear crap.” Pollyanna and Chantal loved hunting, and Benny didn’t mind it, but Chucky and Sonny pretty steadfastly refused.

But one day, the five of them took a spa day, and it seemed to be going alright until it came time for the massage, when familiar disagreements began to arise. Bob the Masseuse, though, never lost his cool. He broke the ice by offering Benny, who was whining about how long he’d gone without caffeine, a special “Cup of Coffee” rub, made with all natural ingredients. Benny felt complimented, but not overpowered. Minutes after the massage had started, Benny was snoring and drooling.

Of course, Pollyanna immediately began complaining that she didn’t want anything to do with coffee, but Bob the Masseuse calmly offered her his special “Sweet Tooth” Fruit and Dessert Rub, and she was doubly pleased to learn it was kosher. She happily lay down for the massage, and cheerfully drifted off to flavorful sleep.

Chucky was next to lament, insisting sweets weren’t really his thing, but Bob soothed him by showcasing his Zesty Lemon Spice Rub. Chuck was won over by the intense, yet never overpowering, combination of all-natural ingredients, and it wasn’t long before he joined his friends in dreamland.

Sonny piped up next, mocking anything and everything that included the word “zesty.” But Bob, a man with an almost Sherlockian ability to cold read his guests, suggested his Sweet & Smokey Spice Rub, and Sonny couldn’t resist. It hadn’t been but eight or nine minutes of kneading before, sure enough, Sonny was silently napping.

That left only Pollyanna the Roasted Vegetable, and the nagging and screeching about how she didn’t want anything “smokey” for fear of her complexion. But Bob, always patient, talked her into trying his Spice & Herb rub, which she happily accepted, and he expertly lathered her in it as she, too, drifted off into a deep, relaxed sleep.

And so, all five friends were peacefully sleeping, thoroughly massaged and relaxed. And thusly seasoned. Bob started the grill.