The Curse of the Mummy (with Excellent Taste in Wine)
A wine so good, it's probably worth being cursed by a mummy.
Jacobs heard the scratching at his door, not for the first time. The mummy was back. He had only himself to blame, really.
How long had it been now? Six weeks since his trip to Egypt? Six weeks since he stumbled across the tomb of Amon Ephat Grapus? Since he found the Forbidden Case of 2007 Estate Merlot? Since he stole it? Yes, and only another week or so before Amon had found him, haunting him with his freaky mummy powers.
His dreams were plagued with terrors of scarabs and zombies and other scary Egyptian nonsense. His waking hours, he was haunted by the whispers of Amon promising him torment, promising him no rest. And, worst of all, boundless inconvenience.
His car wouldn’t start. His bus was forever late. Every cop in town seemed to notice if he so much as jaywalked. Every doorknob he used was dubiously sticky. If he spoke to a woman, his voice cracked. If he needed to print something, the ink would run out. If he put leftovers in the fridge, milk would leek on it. The mummy wasn’t so much terrifying as he was just annoying. And Jacobs had had enough.
He swung open the door, facing the mummy head on for the first time. The mummy was terrifying, being dead and magic, but Jacobs, with bloodshot eyes and rage in his voice was probably the more intimidating of the two in that moment.
“What is it gonna take to shut you up?!” he shrieked.
“Myyyyy wiiiiiiiiiiine…..” the mummy moaned through decayed vocal chords.
Jacobs considered it, and was about to give it over, but his mind drifted to the robust flavors of cherry and red berry, the long silky finish, and the smooth and assertive tannings… it might just be worth an eternity of torment.
The mummy groaned, “you have stooooolen what is miiiiiiiine. Buuuuuuuuried with me for eterrrrrrrrrrrnity.”
Jacobs started to feel a little bad about that, but then something occurred to him. “Wait a second. It’s a 2007 vintage. Eternity is longer than six years, bub!”
“Fiiiiiiiine. You cauuuuuuuught me. I goooooooot it onnnliiiine.”
“Well you’re not getting it back, so go order more and leave me be!”
“Caaaaaaaaaaaaan’t. It was a daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaily.” Jacobs felt some sympathy for that, having been in that unfortunate position before himself, but he wasn’t’ about to give away his excellent wine. Or at least, not all of it.
“Tell you what; how about you come in, have a few glasses with me, and then go back to Egypt? Deal?"
Jacobs couldn’t help himself. “A *daily* deal, you might say. Eh? Eh?”
And then the mummy cursed him extra hard, because that pun was awful.