The Lost, and Booziest, Homerian Epic
One Man. One Mountain. One Plastered God. Four Bottles of Wine.
The Hero of Dionysus looked up at the mighty crag before him. He knew why he was here. He was the champion of the god of wine, and he’d been given a mission. He must brave Atlas Peak, named for his god’s terrible uncle, and almost as mighty. Littered with maenads and satyrs, it was the truest test of the Dionysian faithful, and an easy way to die.
But he WAS faithful, and his village needed a wine for the Festival of Many Grapes and Some Nudity, the greatest of Dionysus’ many parties. And it was well known that the god kept his four greatest bottles atop the Atlas Peak.
So off the Hero went, up the mountain. He outwitted the wily satyrs with his drunken wit, and he bedded and sated the maddened maenads with his inebriated charm. He used his greatest Dionysian tricks to outwit the other hurdles and beasts, whether it was drinking the ogres into a stupor or out-stumbling the so called Drunken Master, adventuring in search of wine for his own village, in honorable drunken combat.
But it was when he reached the top that the Hero of Dionysus faced his greatest challenge; there, on a picturesque plateau, bathed in heavenly sun, sat four bottles of wine. One was the Mount Veeder Cabernet Sauvignon, known for its rich purple hues and brambled taste of wild blackberries. The second was the Atlas Peak Cabernet Sauvignon, possessed of mighty tannins and the lure of both cherry and blueberry. Third was the Howell Mountain Cabernet Sauvignon, known across Greece for its deep color, cherry aromas, and its incomparable balance. Finally, he spied the Spring Mountain District Cabernet Sauvignon, a legend in its own right for its rich vanilla flavor.
Any of them would be a worthy centerpiece for the Festival of Many Grapes and Some Nudity, but it was strictly forbidden to claim more than one of Dionysus’ wines from the top of the peak. So the Hero sat for hours, deliberating. Finally, as his mind cleared and his hangover began, he realized there was only one thing to do. He grabbed the Howell Mountain and quickly made his way down the mountain.
When he got home, he immediately hopped on Woot and ordered the other three.