Wine.Woot : One Week, Two Wines, Three Deals (SM)

The Grander Canyon

My horse had run off during the night. My map was swept away in a Flash flood. I thought I was lost. Little did I know I’d just found myself.

I wandered the canyon for days, foraging for food, half-mad from not hearing another human voice for so long. I was just about to eat some kind of crawdad I’d dug out of a creek bed when the aroma caught me.

Was it blackberries? Blueberries? Leather? White pepper? Or even… rose petals? It was all those things, a complex potpourri that set my mouth to watering. I followed that scent like a bloodhound, deeper into the canyon, deeper into the lengthening shadows of afternoon, deeper…

...and found a gulch that flowed purple. Dark, rich purple. It didn’t occur to me that the color could be due to blood, or pollution. I just knew I wanted to drink from it. Yearned to drink from it. Ached to drink from it. So drink from it I did.

After days of eating things I’d never thought I’d eat, the flavor was a revelation. Smoky, intense, almost like bacon. Why, this is the kind of flavor that gets a 91 in Wine Spectator, I thought. I slurped at that little stream until my guts couldn’t hold any more. You better believe I fell asleep with a smile on my face that night.

I’ve been here ever since. You can call it a Lost Canyon if you want. Frankly, I hope it stays lost to the likes of you city folk. But me? I know right where I am.

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One Last Chance

“Jamie! Jamie, open the door! Jamie, please, I know you’re home, just come out and talk to me! It’s raining out here and I just want to talk for a second!”

“Stephen? Stephen, what are you doing out here?”

“Jamie, I want you back. I’m just a mess without you and I… Wait a sec. Is someone else here? Are you with somebody in there?!”

“Sigh. Yes, Stephen, if you must know, there is a nice gentlemen in my house waiting at my dinner table with a meal he cooked just for me who is probably wondering why I’m out here trying to get my ex-boyfriend off my porch.”

“Look, I know things haven’t been good between us for a little while…”

“It’s been seven months, Stephen. We broke up SEVEN MONTHS ago.”

”...and I know I did some stupid things while we were together…”

“Which stupid thing would you like to talk about? Using our savings to build a robot that eats squirrels? Or how about taking a sledge hammer to the stairs so that the zombies OR ANYONE ELSE couldn’t climb them? Or maybe you mean punching my grandmother in the throat when she said she preferred using AOL as her web portal.”

“WHY DO YOU ALWAYS BRING UP OLD STUFF?”

“STEPHEN, IT’S OVER. Okay? Over. Now go home. It’s raining and you’re going to catch a cold.”

“Wait wait wait, let me finish. It’s Valentine’s Day. It almost is, anyway. Whatever. Here. Look at this. See? It’s the 6 Piece Metrokane Houdini Wine Tool & Stand we used to share.”

“You mean the one you hid from me when I packed my things and left.”

“That doesn’t matter right now, okay? Just look at it? Can’t you feel the love rushing back? Don’t you remember? All those bottles of wine we opened together with the Houdini Lever Rabbit-style Corkscrew? Doesn’t the Foil Cutter, Pourer/Stopper, Tool Stand and Spare Spiral tug at your heart strings when you think of all the happiness and laughter we used to share? And what about the Sealer that helps keep wine or champagne as fresh as the love we once had? We even picked out the color together when we chose between Red or Silver! That guy in there, he probably brought over one of those two dollar jobs to open your wine, but this? This isn’t just a corkscrew set. This is a symbol. A symbol of love, Jamie. Our love.

Look, if you can honestly stand there and look at this 6 Piece Metrokane Houdini Wine Tool & Stand and tell me that you feel NOTHING, that you have no love in your heart for what we had together, then I will accept that our time together is over. So go on. Tell me. What’s it going to be?”

“Stephen, leave…”

“Really? That’s what you want? Fine. FINE THEN.”

“Let me finish!”

“What? You’re changing your mind?”

“No. I was going to tell you to leave the 6 Piece Metrokane Houdini Wine Tool & Stand before you go.”

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Play It Again, Stan

Of all the comic shops, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to walk into mine.

She was schweet. Super schweet. It’s not everyday you meet a girl with a head for comics and a body built for continuity. From the moment we first discussed the art of Jack Kirby, we both knew that when our lives crossed over, nothing would be the same. Some things are unstoppable, I guess, like the Juggernaut or one of Wolverine’s berserker rampages. And for what seemed like a brief six-issue run, we were happy.

Maybe it was the fights over who was the better Green Lantern. Maybe it was the way I kept badgering her to wear that Supergirl outfit. It doesn’t matter. In the end, we both knew it wouldn’t work out between us. She was the Lois Lane to my Jimmy Olsen, the Mary Jane Watson to my Flash Thompson. If she was a Spider-man comic drawn by John Romita, then I was a New Mutants comic drawn by Rob Liefeld. So, when she left for Canada, it was no surprise. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a lead bullet shot into the heart of a Daxamite.

So every year, on the anniversary of the night she boarded that plane and never looked back, I close the store, turn down the lights, put on my vintage 1960’s “Scream Along With Marvel” record, and pour myself a glass of Radog Pinot Noir to sip with only the longboxes of back issues to keep me company. As soon as it hits the nose, the cranberries and strawberries on top of a nice sprinkling of French oak base take me back to a time when only she and the next Grant Morrison mini-series mattered. The generous but balanced fruit paired with good earth and mushroom components are smooth and straight-forward, like the early Brian Michael Bendis comics we used to read together, but with the texture and structure of a fine Alan Moore script. Such memories could break even the strongest gamma-irradiated heart.

Maybe one day, she’ll make a shocking return or brief cameo appearance so that we can catch up on old times. I’ll say one thing, though. I wouldn’t retcon a moment of our time together. ‘Nuff said.

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Like A Vampire For Your Mouth

Sparkles mean love! Love means gifts! Gifts mean Valentine’s Day! You see where this is going, right?

She wants him to think she’s prettier. He wants her to think he’s manlier. Or maybe he wants him to think he’s prettier, or she wants her to think she’s manlier. Love is love as far as we’re concerned. They all want the other to laugh a little more at their jokes. Any other day of the year, a boxed malt liquor would be a perfectly acceptable way to enhance this mutual appreciation. But we’re talking about Valentine’s Day. On Valentine’s Day, it’s got to be classy.

Which brings us to the Mumm Napa Sparkling Trio. As we all know, the French have this rule that you can’t use the Champ-word for just any bubbly beverage. But, deep down, don’t we all know what “sparkling wine” really means? So when we say “you’ll be getting three sparkling wines from the Napa Valley”, you understand what we’re talking about. Right? Wink wink?

First up, you’ll be getting a Brut Rose. Harvested at night, and by hand, this fruit comes twenty different vineyards, delivered in small yellow boxes to protect it from bruising or harsh words. To achieve the signature pink coral color, a small amount of pinot noir fruit is allowed to ripen on the vine, and then fermented in the Burgundian style. When added to the Chardonnay, the result is a wine lot with power, color, and character. It’s even won Best In Class at the San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition!

The second bottle is a real treasure, the Mumm Napa Cuvee M Red. A true red sparkling wine is relatively rare, so some people may never have even seen one. What a thrill when you open it and show off the perfect balance between depth and richness! Not to mention, the glorious deep red as it fills the glass. Don’t be afraid of them mistaking it for strawberry soda or punch, however. This Cuvee M Red has a clear, wonderful nose of cassis, red plums and elderberries with hints of tobacco and cardamom. Think red berries and creme. This versatile sparkling wine will play nicely with well-placed hors d’oeuvres and sloppy BBQ alike. It’s a perfectly colorful surprise.

The honor of being the final bottle goes to the Mumm Sparkling Pinot Noir. Another majestic sparkling red, this Pinot first appeared in 1997, winning great acclaim at the Napa Valley Vinter’s Association Trade Barrel Auction. With a purple hue and a great nose, this sparkling offers aromas of ripe plum, clove and cinnamon, plus a strong bouquet of spicy cherry, chocolate, and just a light splash of cranberry. A sip will have you considering the lamb, the duck, or maybe the prime rib.

And why not? After all, Valentine’s Day is only once a year. No matter who you’re with, be it a limo of pretty people or the Internet and a pizza, the Mumm Napa Sparkling Trio will add a little class to your evening.

Just remember: order by the end of the day on Monday to be sure you’ll get them on time!

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A little candle light, some rose petals…

...but first: you know what you’ve gotta do.

“Come ooooooon!”

Do it.

“Come ooooooooooon!”

DO it!

“Grrr.”

- 1 minute later -

Oh wow, that was great! I’m so glad I was able to order these things right away, so they had time to get here for Valentine’s Day!

“Because you wanted to see me do the Truffle Shuffle on the most romantic holiday in America?”

No, silly, because I wanted to enjoy Swiss style truffles in creamy milk- and rich dark chocolate with delicious ganache centers in flavors like Apple Pie, Espresso, Hot Cocoa, Creamsicle, Irish Cream, Peach Belini, Maui Coconut, Chicago Sundae, Chocolate Martini, Cosmo, and Pina Colada.

“Oh. So the Truffle Shuffle didn’t do anything for you?”

Well, it kept you from eating a few.

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Hey, does that tea connect to an iPhone?

Then why the heck are you at CES?

Hi, I’m covering the Consumer Electronics Show for Woot. Yeah, I know, never heard of it. I get that a lot. Anyway, I see you’ve got Teatulia Tea 3-pack Samplers. Why? National Hot Tea Month? That’s a real thing? Sorry, it’s just that I expect pretty much everything here to do something in 3D or HD, be nano-sized, or attempt to kill the previous top-rated product in its genre. Tell me about your tea.

Sustainable? Well that’s cool. Green’s a big deal this year. You can compost the bags after use? Excellent. That’s like recycling your laptop. The tea comes straight from Bangladesh to the processing facility so there’s no sitting around in a warehouse like other teas? Perfect; faster load times, just like Microsoft is pitching. All the tea comes from one garden, instead of the typical hamburger-style mashup of leaves from all over the place? Talk about a Natural User Interface!

Yeah, I know, that one didn’t really even make sense. So are you beta testing these yet?

Bengal Breakfast, eh? Didn’t they open for Flock of Seagulls? Oh. Let’s see: golden brown color, nutty aroma, medium body with a slight sweetness at the end. I’d drink this over that stupid HP Slate Tablet any day!

Alright, Teatulia Black: now I know I have an album of hers. Really? Hmm. Well it’s kind of smoky. Not bitter though, which is nice. Smells faintly of apricot. You should really have this at the Consumer Breakfast Buffet Show.

Neem Nectar. What? No, that doesn’t sound anything like a band. Maybe a concept album by King Crimson or something. It’s kind of tart at the end, eh? Nice golden color. Crisp. Cleanses the old palate. Definitely an iPhone killer.

What? Like I said, it’s either got to be 3D, HD, tiny, or murderous.

And that is some murderous tea you got there.

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Not For Use In Deep Sea Diving Or Space Travel

How would you feel if there was no air? Well, then. Why treat your wine that way?

Wine wants to breathe. It’s true! A good glass of wine can be greatly enhanced by letting it stand for just long enough. The flavors meld, the bouquet mixes, and then, suddenly, it’s all so wonderful and perfect! A proper glass of wine is like getting good seats at the opera. And if you don’t go to the opera, pretend we said “hockey game”. Either way, once you’ve done it right, you can’t ever go back to the seats up top.

But why give up precious wine drinking time waiting for that stupid glass to oxygenate itself? Really, is that what you want? You could be halfway through the bottle by the time “physics” is done with whatever it thinks it’s doing. That’s why you need a Vinturi Wine Aerator.

Red wine? No problems. The Vinturi Red Wine Aerator softens tannins, and makes for a smooth finish. The sediment screen keeps impurities corralled, and there’s no charcoal or internal filters.

White wine? Try a Vinturi White Wine Aerator! It’s easy to use and machine washable, and mixes in just the perfect amount of air to make your wine as pleasing as possible. No charcoal, no filters, and best of all, no room temperature wine from waiting too long.

Perfect for parties or for those intimate moments when waiting just won’t do, the Vinturi Wine Aerators are your ticket to classyville. Even if you drink your wine from a can, you’ll still love the improved taste that comes from proper aeration.

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Some Velvet Morning

Like some forgotten Lee Hazlewood/Nancy Sinatra album, this two pack of wine is a union of flavors you thought would never meet.

Leather and lace. Crimson and clover. The cross and the switchblade. Some things just seem like they’ll never fit each other, but then, as though by magic, do. That’s what we learned from these two very special limited edition Meridian wines. You never know what beautiful surprise might come from an unexpected place.

Located in Paso Robles, halfway between Los Angeles and San Francisco, Meridian has built a reputation producing a quality, yet readily available, entry level wine. Before today, Meridian was just the kind of simple wine you’d be perfectly happy to take from the end cap of your local grocery store. Of course, we can’t sell Meridian short, because those “simple wines” have outperformed brilliantly, winning awards and impressing even Wine Spectator Magazine. Who could have ever expected that from the under ten dollar range?

Well, Lee Miyamura, for one. She’s in charge of producing Meridian wines. Like some small-town matchmaker, Lee Miyamura exercises her craft, finding the flavors that belong together and making sure they meet. After years of working on a mildly looser scale, she decided it was time to showcase her art to the fullest, to let the world see what she and Meridian could do when they gave it their all. We’re sure you’ll agree, in these two limited release wines, Meridian does just that.

Miyamura’s picked the very best fruit, and then picked the very best from that. She’s taken small, controlled batches and focused herself, creating a wine that came in around 500 cases total. For a vineyard that ships 800,000 cases a year, that’s an incredible new scope. And that’s why we’re so pleased to have this wine with us now, and why we’ll miss it when it’s gone for good.

First up, the Syrah, a 2006 limited release. Like a cowboy from the Camatta Hills, this Syrah offers leather and cedar spice in the nose. The concentrated flavors bring out grape and dried black cherries, with a spicy herbal note underneath. It’s spent 17 months in the barrels, and it’s solid. Maybe it’s not some fancy French champagne, but this is a bottle that will be there for you when it counts. It’s just that kind of wine.

The innocent young Sangiovese, though, couldn’t be more different. It’s an angel from 2007, with the aroma of blackberry and cherry. A giggling sip will offer cherry and a touch of vanilla, a gentle mix that captures a childish freedom. This sort of wine, you’d expect, would be for company and music and dancing, not paired off with some sullen Syrah.

And yet, here they are, the cowboy and the lady, him with his dusky fruit flavors and her with her sunny happy taste. Paired off like a square dance, they’ll be do-si-doing right to your wine rack, where they’ll sit side by side in delicious, scandalous bliss. And who cares what people say? This Syrah and this Sangiovese are happy in a Meridian Vineyards Four Pack. Who could ever have expected it? Just Lee Miyamura. She knew they were meant for each other all along.

So don’t be scared. Don’t stay hidden in your comfort zone. Take a chance on this new step forward for Meridian. A four bottle set of two hard-to-find limited edition wines will be something we know you won’t want to miss. Be bold. Take a chance. Don’t let real happiness pass you by.

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The X File

Who are you, mysterious X Winery – if that IS your real name?

You say you specialize in using imagination and efficiency to create wines that deliver more than they promise. But that doesn’t tell us anything about who you really are. And neither does your name. You could’ve been something whimsical like Plaid Hyena, or faux-Italian like Castizzi d’Abrusia, or faux-rustic like Gulchgully Creek – you know, like most wineries do. But not you. You leave it to our imaginations. What are you hiding behind that single, inscrutable letter?

Maybe you’re on some kind of radical kick. You use the X in place of your slave name. It would be in keeping with the intensity of the 2007 X3 Tri-County Cabernet Sauvignon. Those dark fruit, dark cherry, and white pepper flavors come on strong, like they have something to prove. We’re starting to wonder if we should be alarmed that this wine draws fruit from Lake County, High Valley Appellation; the northern parts of Sonoma County; and Yountville and St. Helena in Napa. Could your militancy be spreading throughout wine country? Are you exporting a wine revolution, X Winery?

Perhaps that isn’t it at all. Perhaps you’re a mutant, the X a symbol of solidarity with your fellow mutants. The 2007 X Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon certainly displays suspiciously elevated levels of sophistication and balance. Those blackberry, cherry, and raspberry flavors hints of dusty truffle and cedar seem almost… superhuman, don’t they? It’s hard for us to believe that such a synthesis of dark fruit, earthy tones, and sweet spice could be achieved through normal human means alone.

But maybe we’re overthinking it. Maybe the X isn’t anything sinister at all. Maybe you’re just trying to tempt us with the alluring mystery of the sexiest of all letters. Well, you’ve succeeded. We’re helpless before your 2006 Amicus Spring Mountain Cabernet Sauvignon, a limited-production red sourced from the best grapes in the Spring Mountain District high above Napa Valley. Rich and sensuous with a strong backbone, its explosive aromas and full-palate flavors of dark fruit, plum, and bing cherry are laced with rose-petal and earthy notes. After 10-20 years of cellaring, it’ll be at its best, but we’re not sure we could handle it.

Of course, there are other possibilities. Maybe you’re a racecar driver looking out for your little brother. Maybe there’s pirate treasure built under your vineyards. The way we see it, X Winery, there’s only one way to clear your name and show the public you’re not hiding anything. Send us a case of each of these wines immediately. We’ll inspect them in minute detail, to ensure that you are what you say you are. Actually, you know what? This situation is so mysterious, you better make it two cases.

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It Takes Tudor Make a Thing Go Right

Not quaffed for international renown / Just to wash the steak au poivre down

I ain’t what you might call “high-class.” I didn’t go to the right schools. I don’t hobnob with the cultural elites. I don’t dress in the finest clothes, or vacation in exclusive retreats, or go through more than a bar and a half of soap in a year.

So maybe I don’t fit in at the ballet. Maybe I’m a little too loud for the country club. Maybe the only time anyone uses the term “upper crust” in a conversation about me, it’s an uncomplimentary reference to the infrequency with which I launder my shirts.

Still, ain’t I a man? Ain’t I got taste buds? Don’t this schnozz take in a wine’s bouquet? Can’t my palate discriminate? You bet your dimpled booty I am, I do, it does and it can.

Fate made me who I am, though, and filled my pockets more with grit and lint than fat wads of green. So I have to keep an eye out for opportunities to appreciate those few finer things that’re within my reach. Economically, I mean. (And also physically, as I sustained a philanderin’ injury in my youth that left me unable to lift my arms above my head ever since.) My low-cash-flow situation have made me a connoisseur of life’s lower-cost delights. I know when the discount days are at the local museums, what hillsides offer a free view of the drive-in movie screen, and which rest stop men’s rooms are best-stocked with T.P.

But the most special treat for me is also the rarest: Seein’ a fair price on a top shelf Pinot Noir. As long as it’s not literally on the top shelf, or I need someone to help me get it down.

Ah, Tudor Winery! Steeped in tradition! Winner of awards and accolades! I love your Santa Lucia Highlands Pinot Noir, harvested from the new clone Tondré Vineyards and the thirty-six-year-old Pinot vines at Paraiso! It gives off aromas of orange peel! Of loamy earth, dried berry and currant!

And I love your ‘06 Anderson Valley Pinot, which, alone at my dinner table, I call “Andy!” Andy’s somewhat higher in acidity and not quite so forward, like I like my women! Andy’s the shizzle, fo rizzle! In fact, there’s only one drawback to a Tudor Pinot that I can think of: It’s a little less roomy than the Fordor version. Ha! Ha! Just kidding.

Anywho, it’s not every day a couple wines of this quality drift by me in the drainage ditch of life. When it happens, I grab them fast, like a cobra would. Or like a cobra would if it had hands. And liked wine. Man, when I think of what rich men sometimes pay for lesser wines than these, it makes me want to laugh, loud and hearty at the capriciousness of circumstance!

And then to burglarize their homes.

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