WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

If you bought our Woot 2012 Calendar, you may have noticed that each month sports a different QR code. And if you've scanned that code, you've gotten a message telling you to wait until the first of the given month to read a new installment in The Secret of El Arenque Rojo. And then you probably wondered what we were talking about. Chapter 1 appeared in January on the Woot blog. Chapter 2 took Roy Odom and his prophetic slapstick quest to Home.Woot. In Chapter 3, Roy met tween cinema prodigy Evelyn Sayre at Kids.Woot. And now, here at Wine.Woot, we present Chapter 4..


Doctor Chamberlin Duke tugged absentmindedly at his goatee as General Duodenum snapped to attention before his men. At the back of the platoon, a private with a non-regulation haircut was hiding a grin. His uniform was a mess and his shirt was untucked. The General did not notice him, nor did he notice the pedal-truck full of pies arriving near the soldier’s mess. Soon, clearly, the mess would be on the officers.

“Do you see, Chamberlin?” young Evelyn Sayre asked from the smartly-professional black-and-wood couch. “Do you see the name of the pie company? Narcissus! Narcissus Bakery.”

“Yes, I do see, indeed. One moment...”

The great Doctor Duke stepped out of the room, and walked to the telephone, considering what to do next. Evelyn had contacted him out of the blue, informing him bluntly she’d be arriving at his Oxford flat with a guest. Doctor Duke hadn’t know what to expect. But even still, when she explained it to him… a box of mysterious videotapes? Found by an American? What should that nonsense have mattered to a man who once touched the only remaining copy of Metropolis II: The Rise Of Rotwang? And yet, for some reason, he’d agreed to watch one at Evelyn’s urging. One movie, just to humor his old young friend. And that was on Wednesday.

And now, here he was, about to telephone his aide to cancel his Friday class, Moldovan Cinema: The Golden Age (May 14, 1990 – June 6, 1990). His class was the largest yet (Piper and Bronwyn, both juniors) and they would surely be distraught, but there was something about the style of this El Arenque Rojo… something that compelled a man to find the truth.

“Narcissus, Doctor Duke!” Roy called through the door. “The flower of December! And remember the driver’s name?”

“Holly Topaz,” Doctor Duke mumbled. Then, to the voice on the phone: “Oh, no! Not you, Bronwyn! I’m sorry, I’ve called to let you know that something’s come up. We won’t be having class on Friday.”

Bronwyn’s heartbroken screams carried into the hall, and Evelyn smiled. She’d been Doctor Duke’s prize pupil once, and she knew how Bronwyn was feeling. But by the television, Roy Odom payed them no mind. He was close to something, he could feel it. He leaned in close to the screen, his nose almost touching the General’s chest.

With a finger wet from his own saliva, Roy marked the television screen each time a pie was thrown. One, two, three, ten, twenty, thirty, forty. General Duodenum fell to his knees soaked in cream. Fifty, sixty, seventy, one hundred. The fear in the actor’s eyes was real. Two hundred, three hundred. The pies flew even still, there was true hate on the faces of those extras. What had been done to them? Did ever Stanislavski dream of such a primal state? Five hundred, six hundred, a thousand. The General lay prostrate and almost forgotten. His chest barely moved from the weight of meringue pressed down on his back. Two thousand, three thousand.

Doctor Duke entered the room and cleared his throat, but Roy silenced him with a hiss. “I’m COUNTING!” Evelyn dropped her teacup with a gasp. Doctor Duke, though, he had faced the madness before. He said nothing and waited understandingly for Roy to finish.

After four thousand pies the soldiers began to slip in the mire. Five thousand and they hung to each other just trying to stand. In the back, a small boy stood in Potemkin-like terror, pointing at what might be the General’s corpse. His mouth was open, of course there was no sound, but Roy could feel that scream, the scream of a child betrayed by the only thing a child could always believe in: his dessert.

Roy’s mouth had gone dry from wetting his finger, and the television screen was nothing but moist streaks. Roy sat down hard as Doctor Duke brought the paper towels forward. “Five thousand… one hundred… and twenty-four pies.”

Doctor Duke clucked his tongue. “Could you have miscounted?”

Roy lowered his face into his hands. “I didn’t. I know I didn’t. Five thousand, one hundred, and twenty-four pies.”

“I don’t understand,” said Evelyn.

Doctor Duke ignored her, resting a hand on Roy’s shoulder. “My boy… my boy. It was a fine theory, my boy. You did all you could.”

Roy looked up at the television with tears in his eyes… and saw it. “Doctor!” he whispered hoarsely, struggling to stand and point. Doctor Duke turned as though frightened. His jaw went slack.

“Would someone please explain-” began Evelyn, but then she was silent. She could see it as well.

The slovenly private, clean as a whistle. The General, rising, wiping his eyes, arms lifted in triumph. And then, the impact. The final pie, hand-carried by an agent of utter chaos. The General was defeated. Five thousand, one hundred, twenty-five pies.

“The thirteenth b’ak’tun,” whispered Doctor Duke.

“The Mayan long count,” said Roy. “The cycle is complete.”

And without a word, the title card. La Producción Secreto Mortal.

Evelyn was already searching Doctor Duke’s card catalog. “It’s here, Chamberlin!” she cried. “Secreto Mortal Studios! A small, independent company once at the heart of the film industry in-”

Doctor Duke took the paper from Evelyn’s hand.

“Roy,” he said with the authority of tenure. “Buy us three tickets online.”

“Where to?” asked Roy through his parched lips.

Doctor Duke only smiled. And Roy felt a shudder through his heart as he understood what that would mean.

thumperchick


quality posts: 232 Private Messages thumperchick

This is some secret... (referring to empty/blank original post)

rockn4


quality posts: 0 Private Messages rockn4

Was hoping you were hiding crap here ;-)

scifiak


quality posts: 3 Private Messages scifiak

Speak WootBot, Please Speak.

Please share your knowledge of the 04/01 Bunnies Ogling Carrots

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
thumperchick wrote:This is some secret... (referring to empty/blank original post)




Blog post


Note that the title character means "Red Herring"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

maui


quality posts: 10 Private Messages maui

Lydon.
You're supposed to be on strike. What Tiny Flowers. Scab!

Slydon


quality posts: 17 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

maui wrote:Lydon.
You're supposed to be on strike. What Tiny Flowers. Scab!



No scabbin' here. Just like in Hollywood, what's written before the deadline doesn't count.

Also I wrote this post before the deadline too, just in case, so it doesn't count either.

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

SBCJester21


quality posts: 9 Private Messages SBCJester21

It took me three weeks to remember to look for the story update and it's not even here! Ok, I know I can read it via QR code or the link that someone kindly posted... But that's not the point!

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
SBCJester21 wrote:It took me three weeks to remember to look for the story update and it's not even here! Ok, I know I can read it via QR code or the link that someone kindly posted... But that's not the point!



I think they forgot to re-add it, after they pulled it. Not sure why they pulled it in the first place.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

SBCJester21


quality posts: 9 Private Messages SBCJester21
MarkDaSpark wrote:I think they forgot to re-add it, after they pulled it. Not sure why they pulled it in the first place.



I assume for their (what I also assume was an) April Fool's prank.

Slydon


quality posts: 17 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

SBCJester21 wrote:I assume for their (what I also assume was an) April Fool's prank.



I think there was actually some issue with our bot. You can see it by visiting http://wine.woot.com/Blog/ViewEntry.aspx?Id=22750 if you wanna still.

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

Stumpy91


quality posts: 2 Private Messages Stumpy91
Slydon wrote:I think there was actually some issue with our bot. You can see it by visiting http://wine.woot.com/Blog/ViewEntry.aspx?Id=22750 if you wanna still.



The QR code for May links to a non-existent page.

  • 75 total wOOts including
  • 4/01/10 Adventure Crap
  • 12/25/09 Santa's Sack O' Crap
  • 10/23/08, 9/25/09, 3/26/10, 5/26/10, 6/24/10, 9/22/10, 10/21/10, 12/1/10, 1/25/11, 3/9/11, 5/11/11 and 3/22/12 Bundles of Crayons
  • 12 sellout.wOOts
  • 5 shirt.wOOts
  • No kids.wOOts (that I know of)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
Stumpy91 wrote:The QR code for May links to a non-existent page.



It did that for April as well, IIRC. I think it showed up finally a day or two later.


Edit: It does say, "if scanned after the first of its month", which could mean it activates on the 2nd.

It you want to read it, the next chapter is on the Shirt.Woot Blog.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

woottoady


quality posts: 33 Private Messages woottoady

Does anyone actually read these installments? I can't remember from one month to another what has happened. Kinda reminds me of exam week.

Too much wine.woot perhaps...

ishoplive


quality posts: 2 Private Messages ishoplive
MarkDaSpark wrote:I think they forgot to re-add it, after they pulled it. Not sure why they pulled it in the first place.



Yeah! I agreed!!!

mowens3


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mowens3

edit - thought i was commenting on the item

Crombie


quality posts: 12 Private Messages Crombie

I keep hoping to see some Moscato wines on winewoot!

mursecrna


quality posts: 2 Private Messages mursecrna

Please buy this wine.... So I can see some wines from wineries that want to do business with more than a handfull of states! :-)

NascarDad


quality posts: 21 Private Messages NascarDad

Ha! I just bought that Jeff Wayne album on MP3 two weeks ago, partly because I can never find my import CD (and the original vinyl version my dad had is long lost)

magennis


quality posts: 0 Private Messages magennis

if i did drink wine, it would come in a cardboard box...ha

Greshmahg


quality posts: 50 Private Messages Greshmahg

Well, cheaper than the last time they appeared. It's still 80 dollars for friggin' pickles, though.

koatree


quality posts: 0 Private Messages koatree

Angelina Jolie Wine