MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

(And don't ask why it specifically states "New York" ... don't know, don't care)

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment, Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment, nodded back, affirming this too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to H-E-double hockey sticks."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, and found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... He is in the upper
bunk and she is in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have
a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're
married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. 'Get your
own freakin' blanket.'

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Three Old Ladies at the ball Game.

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ballpark.

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?







Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.......


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven together. After they've been there awhile, the Pope notices that the lawyer gets a little better treatment than he does. So he calls St. Peter over to ask him why.

He says, "You know that lawyer I came up here with? Well, I'm not complaining, but he seems to be treated a little better than I am... he's got a better house and more servants. I don't understand. I was a Pope and served God all my life; this guy was just a lawyer. What gives?"

St. Peter responded, "You have to understand - we get Popes all the time; this is the first lawyer we've ever had."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They`re just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.

The doctor insists, "I`ll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I`ll be able to tend to my wounds."

The priest says, "No, no my son, I shall swim for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections I`m sure to make it."

While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move away and clear a path for the attorney.

A little while later, the barrister retruns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks clear a path for him.

He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what was the source of this miracle, and he replied, "Professional courtesy, of course!"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Cesare


quality posts: 1558 Private Messages Cesare

Why Men Aren't Advice Columnists

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila


******************************


Dear Sheila:
I am surprised your husband wasn't more understanding and knowledgeable.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Walter

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

coynedj


quality posts: 7 Private Messages coynedj
Cesare wrote:Why Men Aren't Advice Columnists

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila


******************************


Dear Sheila:
I am surprised your husband wasn't more understanding and knowledgeable.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Walter




I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

How on earth did I get 7 QPs?

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

A man had been drinking for several hours in his neighborhood bar when the bartender started to close up. The drunken man got off his stool and fell to the floor. He pulled himself up on the stool, took one step toward the door and fell again. "Oh, hell. I'll crawl then," he said. He crawled to the door, pulled himself up by the doorknob, worked his way outside and fell again when he let go. He decided to crawl around the corner to his home. He pulled himself up to let himself in, managed to close the door, but fell again when he stepped toward the couch. After crawling to the couch he pulled himself up on it and went to sleep. An hour later his wife turned on the lights and woke him up.

"You've been drinking again, haven't you?" she said angrily.
"No, honey. I was out with the guys late and did not want to wake you..."
"Right," she said. "The bar just called to let me know you forgot your wheelchair."

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our orbs into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, Honey this looks like yours!' "

"I don't remember much after that."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney
MarkDaSpark wrote:Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."



ha ha, now that's some funny Manos, the Hands of Fate right there

CT

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years
(actually, ever since that other company donated a big
chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the
mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Miller
Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I
switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for
nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of
MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect
certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that
whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready
to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime
around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors,
so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer
gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat
resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve
judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to
appreciate the new label. That was until about May of
this year.

That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really
didn't like the new design. Further investigation of
the cause of my distress resulted in the following
observations:

1. Your cans are made of aluminum.

2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.

3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus,
the container may be exposed to sunlight.

4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of
the surface of the can.

5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through
the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the
can (the beer).

6. Warm beer vacuums.

This is a process that can be observed in just about
any beer. However, this process is significantly
accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can
. . . black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed
the new graphic for the can and implemented the change
right before summer? Granted, this process may not be
real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in
Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot,
this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling
what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put
up with. Knowing that you would probably not address
this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem,
I and several other subjects conducted extensive
experimentation. The results of these experiments are
listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the
deck next to my pool. The study included seven
different types of beer (leftovers from a party the
previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38
(and then left exposed to sunlight for different
lengths of time). These beers were sampled by the
test subjects at different intervals.

The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at
each sampling interval their impressions of the
different beers. The length of time between the
initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the
subject determined the sample undrinkable (the
Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient
temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly
correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors
which was pretty much determined to suck at any
point. It is to be hoped that you will consider
re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that
are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade
will thank you.

Sincerely,
Bradley Lee Beer-drinker

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-



Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the
MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of
the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer
drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken
your letter and subsequent experiment under serious
consideration. Outlined below are our findings and
solution to your problem. May we add that we have had
similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly
from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our
analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors.
It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now,
it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to
create better brand identity and brand loyalty.
Someone in marketing did some kind of research and
determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be
pleased to know, we have fired that WAFFLES! TASTY WAFFLES! and he is
now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer
manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots
with the marketing WAFFLES! TASTY WAFFLES! was also down-sized.

However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it
would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took
some other actions. From our market research, we
found a difference between Northern beer drinker and
Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South
tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North.
We are still researching why that is.

Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to
have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one
of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine,
smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of
sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller
Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we
suggest in the future you try consuming at least two
in that time frame.

From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to
come up with a solution that would help not just MGD
but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have
recently noticed our solution to your problem. We
found that the hole in the top of the can was not big
enough for quick consumption. So, we have now
introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this
will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest
that if you want to get the beer out of the can even
faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the
bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it
to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole.
This is a common way to drink beer at parties and
impress your friends. This technique is known as
"shot-gunning". You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our
attention that there might be other beer drinkers
taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let
me assure you that I am having our advertising
department work on campaign to solve this problem,
too.

Sincerely,

Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

ERMD


quality posts: 1 Private Messages ERMD
bkarney wrote:Bit long....but well worth the read. I can never read it all the way through without crying laughing - enjoy!



Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy carp, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report


I have read this and forward it untold times lately and I'm still crying with laughter every time I read it.
Thanks BK

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.


As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we
drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.


Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of Manos, the Hands of Fate. (Makes more sense if you know what the Woot filter filtered out)

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I 'm doing it as a public service. (Don't really know if Ben said this, as I'm not that old to have know him)
WWA

A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines

LoonBoarder


quality posts: 5 Private Messages LoonBoarder

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman
came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said,
'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth
& Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . '

'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'

The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'

Dude... wait, what?

cyborgdo11


quality posts: 1 Private Messages cyborgdo11
themostrighteous wrote:except that you started his response with "No,..." but, seriously, precision is overrated. especially if you are a liar to begin with. which you have summarily established. :P

EDIT: not to mention the fact that you seem to be suggesting that 'i don't think' & 'i think not' are not equivalent. the latter phrasing can have both the meaning that you might be ascribing to it (ie 'i disagree') and the meaning required of Descartes famous pronouncement (ie 'i am not a thinking being'). the latter meaning is admittedly less common today but, then again, so is any mention of Descartes. and so i repeat: :P



Well really the Descartes joke should be in French if you want it closer to his quote. ;)

cyborgdo11


quality posts: 1 Private Messages cyborgdo11
bkarney wrote:OK, how bout this one: If you can't spell it.....



If only he had lived closer to the street sign so he could have just read it off the sign.

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

An Architect, an Artist and an Engineer are discussing whether it’s better to have a wife or a mistress. The Architect says “A wife - marriage gives you the solid foundation that a relationship needs”. The Artist says “A mistress - the relationship is full of passion and romance”. The Engineer says “Both. That way the wife thinks you’re with the mistress, the mistress thinks you’re with the wife and you can go back to the lab and get some work done”.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"

explained the lady.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled."

My husband quietly said

'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said,

'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said

'That's once.'"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

Psychopath Test:

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]






































Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.


If you got the answer correct, you'll fit in just fine here.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mo ther Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and
true, right along the line I wanted.. and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirr el and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...













"You missed the frakking putt, didn't you?"

CT

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

....Replaced with an actual joke!

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"


Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

CT

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON
bkarney wrote:BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR...... Loweeel...you out there!?


Charlotte , North Carolina :

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars
in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The
judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what
is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.



False

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney
JOATMON wrote:False



ha, go figure!

CT

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"

He looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Helloooo.... does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how did all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice, well-built, young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Choice of Ceremony

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.

When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

What's the difference between frustration and utter frustration?

Frustration is the first time you can't do the second time.

Utter frustration is the second time you can't do the first time.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have the money.

The third floor has wives that love sex and have the money and like beer.


The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney
JOATMON wrote:As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”



The version of this that I know is between Hillary and Bill. Every time he cheats on her he puts a can in the box. On second thought, I guess your version is a bit more PC

CT

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at a University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ratholes is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

CT

LoonBoarder


quality posts: 5 Private Messages LoonBoarder

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Dude... wait, what?

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling
about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be
friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be
a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed
to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to
the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

The problem with the war of the sexes is that there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 173 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
JOATMON wrote:The problem with the war of the sexes is that there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.



Or not enough ......


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

bkarney


quality posts: 5 Private Messages bkarney

Before JOATMON calls me out again, I HIGHLY doubt this is a true story, just a funny one. *Disclaimer Over*

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

CT

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)

JOATMON


quality posts: 19 Private Messages JOATMON

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

Juvie: 30+24+4; Sellout: 6+7+0
Rags: 3+2+3
Drunk: 69+94+15 wine, 20+29+4 non-wine
Rugrat: 0+0+0; Refunded: 2+3+1
(as of 2011-03-02)