sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.

"The damned dance is called the Twist.”

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am...'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again'.

Cesare


quality posts: 1566 Private Messages Cesare

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1566 Private Messages Cesare

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A Sable Coat? A Diamond Necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much......"

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Seems like the week for pub stories:

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES, you freaking idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

I entered a local Pun Contest. I sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

richardhod


quality posts: 261 Private Messages richardhod
ddeuddeg wrote:Seems like the week for pub stories:

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES, you freaking idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"



That's good, except that nobody would ever confuse a welsh accent for an Scots one! Irish perhaps...

coynedj


quality posts: 7 Private Messages coynedj
richardhod wrote:That's good, except that nobody would ever confuse a welsh accent for an Scots one! Irish perhaps...



You clearly underestimate Americans' ability to confuse accents. A New Zealander friend of mine is often thought to be English, by those who have little experience with foreigners.

I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

How on earth did I get 7 QPs?

inkycatz


quality posts: 105 Private Messages inkycatz
ddeuddeg wrote:I entered a local Pun Contest. I sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



As a lover of puns, I appreciated this one.

I'm just hanging out, really.

Imagine4vr


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Imagine4vr

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: / told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: / don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I'll need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I'll get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

What a difference 30 years makes ....

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Keg
2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing Pot
2000: Growing a pot belly

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity

1970: Paar
2000: AARP

1970: Killer Weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid

1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends



Closed Circle Lifepath:

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is having friends.
At age 20, success is having sex.
At age 35, success is making $$$
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV set, placed her right hand on the TV and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have so much pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

Cesare


quality posts: 1566 Private Messages Cesare

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the master bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
"HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
"HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
"HE paid for our house at the lake.
"HE paid for our country club membership, and
"HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1566 Private Messages Cesare

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess that, you silly old fools.'

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all piped up and said,'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

Cesare


quality posts: 1566 Private Messages Cesare

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Nine World Religions - Simplified


Taoism = fertilizer Happens.

Conprocreateianism = Conprocreateius say, "fertilizer Happens."

Buddhism = If fertilizer happens, it isn't really fertilizer.

Zen = What is the sound of fertilizer happening?

Hinduism = This fertilizer happened before.

Islam = If fertilizer happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism = Let fertilizer happen to someone else.

Catholicism = If fertilizer happens, you deserved it.

Judaism = Why does fertilizer always happen to us?

New Age = Visualize no fertilizer happening.







Edit: Ya gotta love Woot Filters. Especially when they filter a non-bad word. Confucius is bad???


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Not offensive at all, right?





Gotta love Facebook!



Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

cortot20


quality posts: 132 Private Messages cortot20
MarkDaSpark wrote:Not offensive at all, right?





Gotta love Facebook!



This could also be read in a thick Italian accent and it would sound pretty much dead on.

CT

bhodilee


quality posts: 32 Private Messages bhodilee
cortot20 wrote:This could also be read in a thick Italian accent and it would sound pretty much dead on.



I was thinking Bostonian

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

– George Bernard Shaw, author (1856-1950)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Warning! Not so clean. But extremely funny!



Three Kinds of Sex
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are three kinds of sex that a married couple has: House sex; Bedroom sex; and Hall sex.

House sex happens on the honeymoon, and for the first year or so of marriage. It's when you will do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason all over the house.

Bedroom sex is what evolves later. It's when the couple has sex only in the bedroom. Usually at bedtime on Saturdays.

Hall sex occurs when you've been married for many, many years. It's when the couple passes one another in the hallway, glares and says, "procreate you!".


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

bahwm


quality posts: 26 Private Messages bahwm

Found on FB:

Here is a bit of history for you to reflect upon this weekend: Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as . . .

May our love be like good wine, grow stronger as it grows older. ~ Old English Toast

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

One day, I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my wife and told her I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner, and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home. So I stopped at the diner, and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me, and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room, I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it back on my lap, and folded my hands back on it, feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long.

She asked if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.


At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

chemvictim


quality posts: 3 Private Messages chemvictim
MarkDaSpark wrote:
beans and stuff



I have to share that one.

merbill


quality posts: 29 Private Messages merbill
bahwm wrote:Found on FB:

Here is a bit of history for you to reflect upon this weekend: Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as . . .




Sinko De Mayo?

3X Wine Wooters FFL Champion, Commissioner, and Monkey Prize recipient
RPM Tours #2 & #4 Tourista
Wine Century Club Member #919

merbill


quality posts: 29 Private Messages merbill

Redneck medical terms


Artery: The study of paintings.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D&C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: More than one.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Varicose: Near by.

3X Wine Wooters FFL Champion, Commissioner, and Monkey Prize recipient
RPM Tours #2 & #4 Tourista
Wine Century Club Member #919

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A man walks into a drug store with his 11 year old son. They happen to walk by the prophylactic display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter of factly replies, "Those are called prophylactics, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March ... "


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, president of Millers orders a Millers, and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness' turn to order, he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Guinness replies, "If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I."

joelsisk


quality posts: 7 Private Messages joelsisk
sgoman5674 wrote:Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, president of Millers orders a Millers, and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness' turn to order, he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Guinness replies, "If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I."



um. I may be off, but Bud+Miller(no s)+Coors=3+Guinness=4. Just saying.
That said, I appreciate the concept.

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith
joelsisk wrote:um. I may be off, but Bud+Miller(no s)+Coors=3+Guinness=4. Just saying.



That's part of the joke! Don't you get it?

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark




Click on image to see larger version


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be, ' Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 26 Private Messages ddeuddeg

During my last medical check up, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoorsman!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer".

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

guzmantis


quality posts: 5 Private Messages guzmantis

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts are a buck fifty, deer nuts are under a buck.

Heyoooo!

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

O M G!!! This was just too funny!




Click on image to see it larger.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark




We just can't win!! They ask for a compliment ...


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch, watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's boy walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"


The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.


The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise, and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"


The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.


The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a catfish willow."

"Wait up ... I'll get my hat."


Edit: Stupid Woot filters. Last line for the kid isn't catfish, but another name for a cat.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Today's Thoughts for the day:

I don't suffer from Insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

I work hard because Millions on Welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

bhodilee


quality posts: 32 Private Messages bhodilee

Perhaps already posted. I don't care, it's funny:

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No, wait...
Sorry... I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind........................

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

– George Bernard Shaw, author (1856-1950)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 174 Private Messages MarkDaSpark




Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.