polarbear22


quality posts: 35 Private Messages polarbear22

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read:" California archaeologists' discover 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Minnesota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bemidji MN, Ole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole, has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota, had already gone wireless." Just makes one proud to be from Minnesota!

Polar bears are meant to be clever, very clever. They are the Einsteins of the bear community. - Anonymous
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Cesare


quality posts: 1597 Private Messages Cesare

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the Canadian National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table, the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco ...

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

otolith


quality posts: 22 Private Messages otolith

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied:


Look at dis Lena ....still in DA CRATE!

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
--John Muir

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Sad News

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive role model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

tenuki


quality posts: 7 Private Messages tenuki

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

CT

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $19.49 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the same thing happens.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was when I had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."




Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That is how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firefighters, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans are. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother

Dd I think that belongs in a different thread...

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Hunting Attorneys


Subject: Proposed Legislation
Importance: Low


A Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys.

372.1 - Any person with a valid Mississippi state rodent or armadillo hunting licenses may also hut and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.2 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of US currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.3 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless, such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.4 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter, or aircraft.

372.5 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or "Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.6 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.7 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, or hospitals.

372.8 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap, or possess the same.

372.9 - If is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 - Bag limits per day:

Yellow-bellied sidewinders: 2
Two-Faced Tortfessors: 1
Back-Stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3
Horn-rimmed Cut-Throats: 2
Minutiae-Advocating Chickenshits: 4

Honest Attorneys: Protected under the Endangered Species Act.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

michelleshari


quality posts: 1 Private Messages michelleshari
MarkDaSpark wrote:Hunting Attorneys


Subject: Proposed Legislation
Importance: Low


A Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys.



SPARKY!!!! That's not very nice. But okay, I'll admit it's funny.

Check out our cellar

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
michelleshari wrote:SPARKY!!!! That's not very nice. But okay, I'll admit it's funny.



But remember ...

Honest Attorneys: Protected under the Endangered Species Act.



So you (& RPM) and PS should be fine. I think.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

chemvictim


quality posts: 3 Private Messages chemvictim
mother wrote:Dd I think that belongs in a different thread...



Agreed, at least put it in the politics thread so I can elaborate on how it's offensive on multiple levels. And I'm still waiting for my red meat and beer to be delivered, preferably by a rodeo cowboy.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
chemvictim wrote:Agreed, at least put it in the politics thread so I can elaborate on how it's offensive on multiple levels. And I'm still waiting for my red meat and beer to be delivered, preferably by a rodeo cowboy.



True, true. I'm sure the jackasses and women are insulted by the insinuation of there being democrats in their ancestry.


It's in the Joke section! Just like the Bush & Clinton jokes. Sheesh!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

chemvictim


quality posts: 3 Private Messages chemvictim
MarkDaSpark wrote:
It's in the Joke section! Just like the Bush & Clinton jokes. Sheesh!



Does that mean my rodeo cowboy bearing red meat and beer is not actually going to show up? I cannot accept this. I'm so depressed, I think I might have to go to group therapy.

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother

Just to balance things out then...




And sadly the truth:

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
mother wrote:Just to balance things out then...




And sadly the truth:



And sadly, the real truth:

Ron Paul: "At age five, Paul worked with his brothers in the basement of the family's home, checking hand-washed milk bottles for spots."


Rudy Giuliani: "the only child of working-class parents"


Fred Dalton Thompson: "He attended public school in Lawrenceburg, Tennessee, graduating from Lawrence County High School. Thereafter, he worked days in the local post office, and nights at the Murray bicycle assembly plant.

Thompson then entered Florence State College (now the University of North Alabama), becoming the first member of his family to go to university."


Mike Huckabee: "He has cited his working-class upbringing as the reason for his de-centralized populist conservative political views;[12] his father worked as a fireman and mechanic, and his mother worked as a clerk at a gas company"


Really? Which ones are "privileged" since birth? I don't know the one on the far left, but out of the other 5, only Mitt Romney could be considered "privileged", and only barely.


And taking this over to the Poli-Ticks thread where it belongs.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother
MarkDaSpark wrote:
And taking this over to the Poli-Ticks thread where it belongs.



And we're on the same page finally!

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
mother wrote:And we're on the same page finally!



Umm, no. Not at all. The joke was fine.

You took it way over the line, since what you posted was propaganda, and not a joke. There have been other "political" jokes (both Demo & RePub) that were also here, and you didn't see anyone over-reacting to those.

Because they were JOKES! Not editorializing. Not propaganda. Just jokes. Not politically correct at times, but just jokes.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
chemvictim wrote:Does that mean my rodeo cowboy bearing red meat and beer is not actually going to show up? I cannot accept this. I'm so depressed, I think I might have to go to group therapy.



Probably not. So you better not read the rest of the thread either.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

chemvictim


quality posts: 3 Private Messages chemvictim
MarkDaSpark wrote:Probably not. So you better not read the rest of the thread either.



But it's so entertaining! Jokes intended to provoke a response will often...provoke a response. I have a video for you over on the politics thread.

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother
MarkDaSpark wrote:A bunch more sohpistry* worthy of Faux News / MSNBC/ The Politics III thread



Seriously dude? I'll reply in Politics...

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
mother wrote:Seriously dude? I'll reply in Politics...



Thank you, although the insult could have been left out.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Cross-posting from the Politicks thread:

mother wrote:I'm not interested in debating with you, just keep political Potty Emergency out of the Jokes thread please.



MarkDaSpark wrote:It's a friggin' Joke, which is why it was posted in the JOKES thread. And obviously meant to be with all of the exaggerations in it.

Apparently I was mistaken in my assumption that it would be taken as a nothing more than a joke. And I'm totally surprised that mother, of all people, didn't take it that way. I'm terribly sorry if I offended anyone.

EDIT: I must have missed the post where mother was appointed the official arbiter of what may be posted in the jokes thread. *

* For those who need it, this means I'm only kidding.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Not sure if this is totally non-political, but here goes:
How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

THE TOILET SEAT
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother
ddeuddeg wrote:
EDIT: I must have missed the post where mother was appointed the official arbiter of what may be posted in the jokes thread. *



*SIGH* I'll let it slide this time, but do try to pay more attention.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

A lesson in grammar????
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'" When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

bhodilee


quality posts: 32 Private Messages bhodilee
ddeuddeg wrote:A lesson in grammar????
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'" When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.



at work today we had a similar discussion. The boss said you see that all over the Midwest. I told him you inbreeding all over the Midwest as well, that don't make it right. I think he got my point. To top it off we walk up front to be confronted with the children of the corn. I just said, exactly, and walked off. My coworker lost it and had to run to his office.

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

– George Bernard Shaw, author (1856-1950)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

New High School Exit Exam -- you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)




1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?


7) What was King George VI's first name?


8) What color is a purple finch?


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.


Check your answers below ....
















ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

Here's a joke Sir Michael Caine told Queen Elizabeth II:

"A man got a very fast car. And a chicken overtook him. And he's going 80 miles an hour. So he speeded up. And he still couldn't catch the chicken. The chicken went whizzing into a farmyard. He turned the car, followed it in and there was a farmer standing there.

"He said to him 'Did you see that chicken that came in here? This guy must have been going 120 miles an hour.' The farmer said, 'Yes, he's mine.' The man said, 'How come he goes so fast?' 'Well,' the farmer said, 'we do drumsticks here, so we've got chickens with four legs. We raise our chickens with four legs for the drumsticks.' So the man asks, 'What do they taste like?' And the farmer says, 'I don't know. We've never caught one.'"

"The queen laughed at that."

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

sgoman5674


quality posts: 41 Private Messages sgoman5674

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him, laid hands on HIM, and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus... Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Texas, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

Next the Texas contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "But you didn't even measure like the other guys. Or do any figuring. How did you come up with such a high estimate figure"?

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how Government Stimulus plans work.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

richardhod


quality posts: 261 Private Messages richardhod
MarkDaSpark wrote:Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Texas, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

Next the Texas contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "But you didn't even measure like the other guys. Or do any figuring. How did you come up with such a high estimate figure"?

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how Government Stimulus plans work.



That was a great joke, right up until someone stuck the irrelevant last sentence on it.

Cesare


quality posts: 1597 Private Messages Cesare

Do You Have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'?
'Yes' she says.
The man replies.. 'That's great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
For example...A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a cricket bat and starts pounding at the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom... Did you get a chance to say hello yet?

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

Cesare


quality posts: 1597 Private Messages Cesare

Italian carpool lane (short video)

-il Cesare
Sole Absolute Triple
Exalted High Tastemaster Supreme
“In the entire world there are only a few sounds that bring joy to all but the most jaded. One is the murmur of a kitten purring. Another is the thwack of a well-pitched baseball hitting a perfectly swung bat. And the third is the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine.” —George Taber

mother


quality posts: 15 Private Messages mother
Cesare wrote:Italian carpool lane (short video)



That reminded me of this Germans vs Italians animation which should work just find without understanding either German or Italian...

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
Cesare wrote:Italian carpool lane (short video)



And don't you people forget it!!!!


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.