dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

Gatzby wrote:I'm on a Bike!



I would like to say, as an old person, I don't think I'm on a Boat is anywhere near as good as pretzel twist in a Box.

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

Gatzby


quality posts: 43 Private Messages Gatzby
dontwantaname wrote:I would like to say, as an old person, I don't think I'm on a Boat is anywhere near as good as pretzel twist in a Box.



I find them both pretty annoying, really, but the New Belgium folks tickled my funny bone. Plus they make beer.

Did you know shirt.woot ships internationally? Get you some!
Why do my posts always get deleted? -- Noise Reduction -- Try it in podcast format.
No, you can't have our iPod, keys, or Lego. Sorry.

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed

Overheard in the Newsroom #1934

Editor: “I’m always amused when PR people try to show that they have worth. [cutesy voice] ‘Just wanted to make sure you got the press release! We can send pictures!’ ”



Sorry, Ducky, but it's true.

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
Gatzby wrote:I'm on a Bike!



ha! very clever!

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed

Lynnzoi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Lynnzoi
jqubed wrote:Lynnzoi might especially enjoy this



heeheehee!

tis amazing the questions people ask!

Iceback


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Iceback
jqubed wrote:Lynnzoi might especially enjoy this



Pepe La Pew"s girl friend had the same reaction

In the end only kindness matters

kenney9226


quality posts: 6 Private Messages kenney9226

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks,
'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 100 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 140 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 175 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'


Grumpy 'til the day I die.

kdccrosby


quality posts: 7 Private Messages kdccrosby
AZGman wrote:

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'



//chuckle.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady
AZGman wrote:The Moped




The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'



LOL



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.
They are such a s s h o l e s.



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 563 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

pooflady wrote:MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.
They are such awesome children.

ROFL.



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AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
pooflady wrote:MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.
They are such loving, caring friends.



//chortle!!!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

'That stupid (b)itch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 563 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

pooflady wrote:MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.
They are such jerks, like ThunderThighs.



Ok, I hate you now, pooflady.



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pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady
ThunderThighs wrote:Ok, who keeps changing the damn punch line! It's different on all 3!!



Can you say "Gatzby"?



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

KtCallista


quality posts: 33 Private Messages KtCallista

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order

___________________________________________________________________
Paper Napkins on the Edge of Insanity

You can call me Goddess, that's fine.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
KtCallista wrote:The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order



Funny, but who's the real b itch???

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the Mc Don ald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.



Here are the Stella's for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more....

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

* SECOND PLACE *

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home! Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.


Can we, as a society, get any more stupid....

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Turken


quality posts: 5 Private Messages Turken
AZGman wrote:
Can we, as a society, get any more stupid....



Sadly, I believe the answer to that question is a resounding Yes. Just a matter of time...


AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.....

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Lynnzoi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Lynnzoi

heeheehee!

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they Called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out And Getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad Name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she Wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam To watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland And the Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, To watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to! Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really Be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home And announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly Marry Tom Brokaw Because he's just...

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
a common tater!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 563 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Ouch, that hurt. LOL



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Iceback


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Iceback
AZGman wrote:Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.....

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."



Oh God I'm done-for.

In the end only kindness matters

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

http://www.snopes.com/critters/farce/ropedeer.asp



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 563 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

pooflady wrote:http://www.snopes.com/critters/farce/ropedeer.asp

Omelets made great ROFL. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.



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AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Joke thread; not linky thread.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady
AZGman wrote:Joke thread; not linky thread.



Too much trouble to click on it?



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

KtCallista


quality posts: 33 Private Messages KtCallista
ThunderThighs wrote:Omelets made great ROFL. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.



I agree especially the original ending--posted in the explanation.

___________________________________________________________________
Paper Napkins on the Edge of Insanity

You can call me Goddess, that's fine.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
pooflady wrote:Too much trouble to click on it?



The point was to bring the funny here, not direct folks elsewhere!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

FALL CLASS ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR WOMEN:

"THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER"

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, October 8, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours.


Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support
and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS -
USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials!
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Windex Hint Good to know!

I haven't checked snopes.com to see if this
actually works or not -


But they say, if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you
should drink some Windex first, because . . .





















. . . it'll keep you from streaking.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 563 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

//smack Az for the women's classes post

*chuckle* on the Windex post.



FORUM MODERATOR.............ON VACATION!
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AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
ThunderThighs wrote://smack Az for the women's classes post

*chuckle* on the Windex post.



//smack thin-skinned daj for being thin-skinned.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

czardastx


quality posts: 3 Private Messages czardastx

Hi all.


The secret to a happy marriage is to split everything 50/50. My wife gets the big half and I get the little half. - Chief Buffalo Nickel

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

czardastx wrote:Hi all.



Who is this person? czar?

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

*A study recently conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

*No further studies are planned.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 563 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

AZGman wrote:*A study recently conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

*No further studies are planned.

Ok, that was funny. Still...

//smack Az



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