cjsiege


quality posts: 13 Private Messages cjsiege

Because we ALL have *those stories* that prove that Real Life is much crazier -- and much funnier -- than anything a fiction writer can make up!!!

cjsiege


quality posts: 13 Private Messages cjsiege

From October 10, 2009:

cjsiege wrote:OK, I'm having "one of those days". Someday, I will be able to look back on this and laugh. Someday, I will be a stand-up comedian and this will become the routine of legends. Until that time... Well, here it is:

Today actually started on Thursday night, when I went to choir practice. One of the elderly choir members passed away earlier this week. So, at choir I found out that the funeral would be Saturday (today), at 1pm. Can there *be* a time for a funeral that totally wrecks the rest of the day more? Oh, please - I want to get ABSOLUTELY NOTHING accomplished on my Saturday other than attending a funeral.

(In the interests of full disclosure, I have to mention a couple of other background things. First, according to "Southern Family Rules", the elderly lady is related to me. In this, I mean that she was the mother of the husband of my first-cousin-once-removed. In a normal world, this is such a distant connection (by marriage no less) that there is no link. But according to "Southern Family Rules", I should have been calling her Auntie. The second background thing is that the woman annoyed the scaffolding out of me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't speak ill of the dead. But she was one of those people who was always wanting you to pity her because she was sick, or tired, or her husband left her after 40 years of marriage and wasn't she just such a saint. And then if you did anything to be of help, she would criticize you behind your back if it wasn't done according to her exacting standards.)

Forgot something earlier. I've been sick all week. Seasonal allergies from HELL this year. My voice is shot from the coughing and post-nasal ick. I sound like I should be dead.

Back to Thursday night. I got to choir to discover that we're doing the "full reception" thing. See, in the South, whenever there is a major function at church, the church ladies cater the reception. Now, there is totally nothing wrong with that. In fact, some of the best wedding and funeral receptions I have ever been to were catered by church ladies. If you have never had sweet & sour sauced meatballs, homemade butter mints, or pineapple-cheese casserole, you have *no* idea what you are missing. Come visit me.

So I was late to choir practice on Thursday. Therefore I didn't get to sign up for my usuals. What was left? Pickled beets (bleh) or potatoes (preferrably scalloped). OK, potatoes. For 70-100 people. scaffolding.

Friday, I look up a recipe for scalloped potatoes online. I've actually never made them from scratch before. The box kind are normally my friend - but NOT when you're talking potatoes for that many people. Found a recipe. 2 lbs of potatoes to serve 8 people. Scale it up, then adjust down because this is a pot-luck type situation...need to make 10 lbs of potatoes.

This morning, about 9am, I start on Project Scalloped Potato.
* Step 1, Peel 10 lbs of potatoes. Eh, not so bad.
* Step 2, fire up oven and clear the sink, because I have to slice all those potatoes. Uh oh. Sink w/ garbage disposal has just clogged. Great. The water is slowly draining, so just scoop the peels into the trash and move on.
* Step 3, slice potatoes. Actually no problem. I have a mandoline. (Yes! Score!)
* Step 4, layer a couple of casserole dishes, no more than 4 layers deep, otherwise they won't bake fast enough (It is now 10:30am, funeral is at 1pm, and I still have to shower.) First 9x13 pan...4 layers done and into oven. Gee, that didn't use too many potatoes. I still have a lot left. Second 9x13 pan...4 layers done and into oven. Holy scaffolding. I still have a lot of potatoes. And no more 9x13 pans. Pull out 8x8 pan. 4 layers done and rearrange the oven. Craaap. I've only used up half the potatoes and about 60% of the hot milk. 2 qt oval casserole. 4 layers done. Rearrange oven again. Craaaaaaap. No more room in the oven. There is still a butt-load of sliced potatoes and 25% of the milk remaining. It's 11am, I still have to shower, and I have to leave the house by 12:30. Grab a loaf pan. 4 layers + last of the milk. OK, I can "officially" be done. But there is no room in the oven. This can't get baked. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Plastic wrap over the top and shove into the fridge.
* Step 5, Bake for 45 minutes or until done. 45 minutes elapsed. Hell's bells. The first one is *not done*!!! Come back 10 minutes later. Nearly done. Pull from oven. Raise oven temp to between 375 and 400. Scoop contents of casserole out and into 5 qt crockpot. (Because I need to keep them warm.) Taste potatoes. Still not quite tender. Crank crock-pot to HIGH.

What time is it.... 11:30 am. *Must leave house by 12:30!!!* CRAAAAAAP.

11:38, pull second casserole out. This one is just underdone, too. Scoop into crockpot. Turn crockpot off. Cover stoneware with foil and stuff the stoneware insert back into the oven. 2 more casseroles to go, both needing at least 30 minutes. Check the sink. Yep. Still clogged and clogged badly. Run and take shower.

12:15: Holy scaffolding. Can I cut this much closer??? Open oven. 1 casserole is done. 1 is NOWHERE CLOSE!. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Pull stoneware and jam back into crockpot. Pull done casserole and scoop into crockpot. Turn oven off. Leave the 4th casserole in there. No time left.

12:30: Head to church. Get caught in traffic. *tick...tick...tick* Arrive at 12:53pm. Run into the kitchen. Plug in crockpot and turn on high. Go into sanctuary. Music is starting.

Attempt to sing first hymn. Yeah...right! MY VOICE leaps into the vacuum!!! And I have a coughing fit. Did I mention the choir is supposed to sing at the funeral? Yeah, not happening.

Funeral service was actually quite lovely. Reception was lovely. Potatoes were done and were acceptable. I thought they were lacking something, but everyone else liked them.

4pm: Church has been cleaned up and I can finally head home. Guess what...the sink is still clogged. Change clothes and start to diagnose. Get out plunger. Remember that you have to be careful using a plunger on a double sink because you can geyser up & out the second sink. Place pot upside down over the other sink drain. **plunge down**

Yeah. THAT was not quite so brilliant an idea. I didn't factor in the air line/overflow for the dishwasher, which dumps into the disposal. I got caught SQUARE IN THE CHEST by a *spew* of nasty water coming out of the airline and straight at me. I am now soaked. And the sink is still clogged. After 15 minutes of playing "double dare" with the plunger and the disposal, I finally give up. I need info.

Go online for help. "To prevent your disposal from clogging, never grind up the following things: 1) bones, 2) greasy stuff, 3) potato peels..." ***squeeeeeeeel*** Potato peels? Are NOT supposed to go in???? "Potato peels do not grind completely and cause jams in the U-Trap" fire Rocket Number 9 .

*Yes, we have now gone full tilt into the F- Word Zone.*

OK, now what. "To clear a U-trap clog, remove the U-trap and clean it out." fire Rocket Number 9 . That means plumbing work. "Unscrew the locking nuts and drop the trap out. Clear the clog and reattach the trap. OK, this might be do-able.

Clear out the undersink area. Pull out largest adjustable wrenches. Too small...Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Extremely cramped under sink...double Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Water outlet on disposal is on the BACK of the disposal, making it impossible to use a standard pipewrench...Triple Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). I need a strap wrench.

***At this point, I find it curious and infuriating that I have NOT bought a strap wrench to date. Especially since I've thought they were seriously cool for a couple of years. But every time I've gone to get one, I've talked myself out of it. "You don't *really* need one - you just want one because they look cool." Note to self...NEVER LISTEN TO SELF AGAIN!!!! Because NOW....I need one.***

Quick - call all of the "handy guys" I know who live relatively close. No one is home. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Leave messages. Wait about an hour. Still no callback. Suck it up and go buy a strap wrench.

Come home. Yep, sink is still way, way clogged. Oh, and there are phone messages. Yep, someone has a strap wrench. Yep, he called me about 15 minutes after I left for Home Despot.

8pm. Hunker down under sink. Figure out how to use strap wrench. Holy scaffolding! It actually worked! Pull out U-trap. Yep. Totally JAMMED full of potato peel bits. Good news - there are no icky surprises at the bottom of the U-trap. It is *all* potato peels. About 1/2 lb of potato peels, in fact. Reattach trap and snug down the lock nuts. Amazingly...they are holding. Disposal is fine. No leaks.

Whew~! Now I just have to...clean...up...all...the...casserole dishes. Fuuuuck! *sigh*

The things I learned from this whole experience:

5. Buy a strap wrench. The metal handle kind with a woven strap. Best $10 you will ever put into your toolbox. Certainly cheaper than a plumber on a weekend.

4. 10 lbs of sliced potatoes IS A CRAPLOAD OF POTATOES!!!!

3. Anyone who tells you it takes 45 minutes to bake a scalloped potato casserole IS LYING!!! A 9x13 pan of potatoes takes at LEAST 60 minutes...more like 70.

2. DO NOT run potato peels down the garbage disposal. This will surely lead to problems at a *most inopportune time*!!!

.....And the number 1 thing I learned from this whole experience......

1. fire Rocket Number 9 THE SCALLOPED POTATOES. Make Mac & Cheese next time!!!

Love to you all. I'm headed for bed!

cjsiege


quality posts: 13 Private Messages cjsiege

From September 29, 2009:

jwhite6114 wrote:Heh heh ... speaking of caramel ... funny story.

While watching football games this weekend, I was doing laundry and ironing shirts for the week. All of a sudden, in the middle of ironing one shirt, these brown smears appeared (they were small, not like a burn mark). I lifted the iron, saw nothing on it ... nothing else on the shirt ... so I tried again: more smears. This time when I lifted the iron I could see some brown goo bubbling out of one of the holes in the bottom.

I bought this iron just a few weeks ago, so I know it's not some old residue left inside. Besides, I had just refilled it with water for the second time that afternoon, so it couldn't be old gunk or it would have come out earlier. Figuring that maybe it had been on too long, I turned it off to let it cool.

After it had cooled completely, I turned it on again, and let it warm up. Once it beeped, indicating it had reached the set temperature, I walked over, with a test-towel, only to find that brown goo was now bubbling out of most of the holes on the iron. If I set it horizontal brown drops splattered all over the ironing board. WTF?

It was at this time that I noticed a "CLEAN" button on the back of the iron, so I decided to try that. This seemed to allow the hot water inside the iron to flow freely out of the hot iron, and now I had brown water everywhere. Fortunately most of it was on the now-soaked towel, but this was really getting annoying.

At this point, I start to retrace my steps to figure out what the hell could be going on. I remembered that the last time I filled the iron I used one of the cups of water that my daughter had set next to the sink while cleaning her room. Upon asking her what was in the cups she brought down from her room, she replied, "Some had water, and one had Sprite."

Of course. I had checked to be sure the water was clear and free of any "sutff", but the thought that it might be flat soda never occurred to me.

It took me four more clean refills of water through the iron before it quit spitting out caramelized sugar water. And then I had to run the ironing board cover through the wash to clean it of the sugar water that had come out of the iron.

... and the family room smelled like cotton candy for the rest of the evening.

cjsiege


quality posts: 13 Private Messages cjsiege

So, before I was Combat Barbie, I worked as a safety inspector for a major insurance company. I'd go out to commerical companies, inspect the premises, and review losses with the customers. Needless to say, I've seen my fair share of "doozies"!

The Gay Bar: We provided workers' compensation insurance for one of the more famous "alternative lifestyle" bars in DC. The bar was located in southeast Washington, which (at that time) was one of the roughest parts of the city.

I pull into the parking lot at about 9:50am for a 10am appointment. There are 2 or 3 winos in one corner of the parking lot. Across the street is a crack house, and a couple of "gentlemen" who ran it were hanging out on the front step. *gulp* And here I am, wearing a skirt and heels. I park about 20 feet from the door. (At this point, I was seriously considering *not* going in. But I was young & stupid.)

I'm met at the door by the GM, who escorts me back to his office. All is OK so far. At the office, I meet the owner. He's a congenial guy, and rather flamboyant. The GM sits at his desk and offers me the chair across. The owner sits on a couch behind me, but still directly across from the GM. As I'm interviewing the GM, he starts to get this really weird look on his face, and his gaze flits from me to a spot over my shoulder. I take a quick glance behind me, and just manage to catch the owner making goo-goo eyes and kissy faces at the GM. "Ummm...errr...ummm..." Awkward moment! *deep breath, CJ, and try to ignore what's happening behind you.* "Would you mind showing me around the place, and we can talk some more?" The GM gets a relieved look on his face, and we leave the office (and the owner) behind. I also see him making frantic hand motions as we leave the office. The kind that say "would you knock it off until I can get rid of her".

As I return to my car, the winos have moved on, but the crack house is open for business. 4 guys on the front steps now.

So I call the underwriter in Orlando FL, because I can't put all of this into a written report. All of our reports are semi-sanitized, because you never know when your reports will be subpoenaed due to a coverage dispute.

I start out by telling her that this is a gay bar. "How do you know that?" Well, this place has a well established reputation in the area. I give her details. I even tell her about the goo-goo eyes. I also tell her that the ER visits by the bouncers are probably inevitable. They certainly aren't going to decrease!

Then I tell her about the crack house across the street. "How do you know that?" Are you firing Rocket Number 9 kidding me??? Helloooooo! Don't they have crack houses in Orlando? "Well, but...well..." OK. Picture this. You have a boarded up house in a run down neighborhood. The neighborhood is well known for prostitution and drug crimes. Four men in their late teens are hanging around the front steps, wearing a LOT of gold jewelery, and heavy overcoats on a clear, warm, spring morning. "But how do you KNOW it was a crack house?" [pause] [longer pause] What was I supposed to do? Go up to them, wearing a skirt & heels, carrying a clipboard, and looking like a social worker and ask them, "Excuse me, but is this a crack house?"

Honestly!

She didn't ask me any more questions.

coynedj


quality posts: 7 Private Messages coynedj

You have an interesting life.

I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

How on earth did I get 7 QPs?

sanity


quality posts: 5 Private Messages sanity

Boy, which ones to share...

When I was ready to deliver my son, we lived 50 miles from the nearest anything. His father drove 65 miles to work each way, in the other direction. The day I went into labor, I just knew, and had him stay home. Sure enough, several hours later we were ready to go.

I call the hospital, and thy say don't come yet, you probably have a long time to go. And I'm saying, I'm on my way, I know what's happening, and live 50 miles way. Day decides he needs to stop at Sears on the way (living 50 miles from anything, how often do you get a chance to go to Sears?). I'm like are you nuts?, no, I'm the one who is nuts, so we stop.

As we're walking slowly through Sears, I have to stop every 20 steps for a contraction. Finally, a big one just stops me dead in my tracks. After it ended, without saying a word, I turn around and make my way toward the car. Dad finally catches up with me, tools in his hand, having forgotten to pay for them. I say in that quiet, scary voice "get me to the hospital now." he puts the tools down on the floor and out we go.

Less than 4 hours later, on a stormy Thanksgiving eve, baby was born. Dad says, see, we woulda had time to get the tools.

sanity


quality posts: 5 Private Messages sanity

Fast forward to Thanksgiving week this year, I'm baking a chocolate cake for the birthday boy. The cake is in the pan, waiting to cool enough to turn out onto the rack, then cool enough to frost.

My cats have never been attracted to or eaten sweets, so no worries, right? Um, no. I enter the kitchen to find the cat face in the pan of cake, chocolate all over his face like a 1 year old at his own birthday party. I'm so mad and cracking up at the same time. Of course by the time I grab the camera it's too late.

Off to the Whole Foods for a store bought cake.

lauratchi


quality posts: 5 Private Messages lauratchi
sanity wrote:Boy, which ones to share...

When I was ready to deliver my son, we lived 50 miles from the nearest anything. His father drove 65 miles to work each way, in the other direction. The day I went into labor, I just knew, and had him stay home. Sure enough, several hours later we were ready to go.

I call the hospital, and thy say don't come yet, you probably have a long time to go. And I'm saying, I'm on my way, I know what's happening, and live 50 miles way. Day decides he needs to stop at Sears on the way (living 50 miles from anything, how often do you get a chance to go to Sears?). I'm like are you nuts?, no, I'm the one who is nuts, so we stop.

As we're walking slowly through Sears, I have to stop every 20 steps for a contraction. Finally, a big one just stops me dead in my tracks. After it ended, without saying a word, I turn around and make my way toward the car. Dad finally catches up with me, tools in his hand, having forgotten to pay for them. I say in that quiet, scary voice "get me to the hospital now." he puts the tools down on the floor and out we go.

Less than 4 hours later, on a stormy Thanksgiving eve, baby was born. Dad says, see, we woulda had time to get the tools.



Then again his middle name could have been Roebuck.

Little Vineyards Trio began the slow start to the slippery slope. it was alllllllllll downhill from there!

sanity


quality posts: 5 Private Messages sanity

Twins run in my family; my aunt had 3 sets, my mom one set, my younger brother and sister (by 15 months). Today, he is 6'3 and she is 5'1.

When we were younger, into their teens, people would ask if they were identical. I kid you not.

cjsiege


quality posts: 13 Private Messages cjsiege
coynedj wrote:You have an interesting life.


It's been a pretty strange trip! But no stranger than many people. I'm just not afraid to talk about the weirdness in my life.

LoonBoarder


quality posts: 7 Private Messages LoonBoarder
sanity wrote:Twins run in my family; my aunt had 3 sets, my mom one set, my younger brother and sister (by 15 months). Today, he is 6'3 and she is 5'1.

When we were younger, into their teens, people would ask if they were identical. I kid you not.


One of my former bosses has a set of twins like that. Supposedly, one of the nurses at the hospital asked if they were identical. :eyeroll:

Dude... wait, what?

UBlink


quality posts: 18 Private Messages UBlink
sanity wrote: I say in that quiet, scary voice "get me to the hospital now." he puts the tools down on the floor and out we go.


Oh, I know that voice.

Following the eight word profile, political economy in eight words:
Ain't no free lunch - them what has gets.

laxdad


quality posts: 2 Private Messages laxdad

I am into woodworking on various fronts, and here is one of my machine delivery stories (from the summer of 2000, so some of the references are dated):

For those of you scoring at home, I ordered a few machines from Hammer awhile back. They have arrived ....

After a 12-week wait, the word came - the Hammers were en route. Great! Arrangements were for the two crates to be placed on my driveway - 2,300 pounds worth. ABF was the carrier, and the online tracking they provide is pretty good, so I was able to follow the progress, right up until they arrived in town and I got a call from local ABF - wrong address on the shipment. No worries, no ones fault, it was my work address (which I and Felder have been using) vs. home. Corrected the address for ABF, then they asked if I had a loading dock at home. Uh oh. The proverbial ball has been dropped folks, and is about to roll aimlessly around the parking lot.

ABF cannot deliver to "my driveway" without real special arrangements ahead of time. Not sure who missed that "minor" part of the plan, but the nut of it is that the machines are at ABF on a Friday and they say "next Thursday at the earliest, but we'll know more on Monday". Uh oh. Ever try to pick up a ball and kick it instead? Onward it rolls.

I call late Monday morning, and I have apparently taken the same clerk I spoke with Friday by such surprise you would have thought I was a member of an elite counterintelligence organization sent out to confuse the populace. She has no idea what I'm talking about, and makes little attempt to hide the fact. See the ball roll. Roll ball, roll.

After a quick refresher for her benefit, I get an "oh ... um, yeah ... haven't even LOOKED at that one yet - we're looking at late this week or early next week ...". I'm beginning to think "Thursday at the earliest" is now a standard reply along the lines of "the check's in the mail". Her lack of confidence combined with a healthy dose of indifference is just shy of awe-inspiring. Ferchrissakes. Where's my blood pressure medicine? Tums will have to do.

So, a quick call to the rental place, reschedule three meetings, grab the CB, roll up my sleeves and drop my pants enough to show a crack and I'm off to ABF in the feared Mitsubishi Fuso 14' Liftgate. Arrive at ABF and it's not what I expect - the Hammers are still on a trailer, and the infamous "Joe" - who is the only worker in the "warehouse" such as it is, is "running late getting into work". It's one-farking-pee-em. I grab an application for Joe's job.

Now I'm pretty much hosed and p**sed, which is a lovely combination of which we've all had the pleasure, I'm sure. I'm at ABF with a truck and pallet jack, but the crates are on an ABF trailer truck and it's me and the clerk looking at each other like we've just seen an alien space landing. Complete, open-mouthed zeroes for both of us. Not a word passes as time goes by at a snails pace and we stand there, listening to the clock tick.

As if to prove God has compassion to go with his sense of humor, the clouds part, the rain stops, and out of nowhere appears what ends up being the nicest, friendliest truck driver on the planet. Wish I caught his name. He not only offers to help out, he's an experienced forklift guy from way back and gets the crates off the trailer and situated for placement on my truck. OK, this is looking slightly up. Ah but wait - surprise #8 is that the A3-41 is (logically) skidded from the 7' side, which means the forklift cannot lift it and get it on the 2.12 meter-wide Mitsubishi (that's 6-11.5' for you Imperialists). Did I mention being hosed and p**sed?

But, "Charlie" has the shmartz to place another perpendicular skid underneath the works and manages to drag/coax/cajole/wish that baby onto my truck, lengthwise. Barely. Now he ups the B3 and uses that to push the A3-41 further back on the truck. The loaded crates leave the following:

* Room for my pallet jack with two inches to spare;
* "Charlie" feeling pretty proud;
* Me, with a puckered sphincter, wondering how the hell I'll get them off the truck;

Some last minute unloading advice from "Charlie" - the old "I've seen THIS done ... or you could try THIS ..." - he then goes on to relate McIver-like tales of getting large things off small trucks. Brings goosebumps, and I'm proud to be a 'Merican, salute "Charlie" and wonder where I can rent a helicopter and some dynamite. All the while "Charlie" has that amused, glad-I'm-not-you-or-your-buddy look, to which I counter with the I-know-exactly-what-I'm-doing look. He wins, and I am not a close second place.

Fire up the Mitsu diesel and I'm off. I'm thinking the following as I pull out of ABF:

* Without "Charlie", this would have been a complete, total, unmitigated disaster; I am so screwed it's funny - no way these come off the truck cleanly;
* My plan of unloading by myself now seems like the plans of a six-year old who promises to take care of the new puppy - complete, utter absurdity;
* This truck handles a hell of alot better with 2300 lbs in the back;
* Won't my cousin be surprised when I pull up to work and tell him to "get in the truck or your dog gets it!"

I head straight to work to pick up my cousin, unannounced. I feel like Peter Falk walking into Alan Arkin's dentist office in "The In-Laws" - "hey buddy, got a few minutes?" (then Falk whisks Arkin off to South America - the movie is a top-10 if you've not seen it). After I stuff him into the truck with a wild tale of guns, lottery winnings and topless bars, off we go to my house.

That was the easy part.

Did I mention the liftgate is about 30" wide or so, and the smaller B3 skid is at least 4', and the A3-41 has it's 7' length staring at the gate? Can you say cantilever? I knew you could. I'm now cursing myself for putting together my fantasy football lineups during physics class.

Keeriste. We coax the B3 most of the way onto the gate, then drop a bit, coax, drop a bit, etc. until finally the tail end of the crate splinters off like that perfect endgrain dovetail you just trimmed, and the crate cantilevers like the infamous rock set up by Wiley Coyote hanging over The Roadrunner's head - there's no way it's gonna stay. Quick! Hit the DOWN button! Hey! It stayed! Getouttahere! As Bill Nye the Science Guy would say - physics RULES baby!

The B3 drops along with my blood pressure and is on the ground without a whimper. I need some Gatorade with a whiskey chaser. Wheel it home with the pallet jack and Bob's our Uncle.

Yeahbut. The A3-41 snorks at us as we try the Yuri Gellar/Spock mind-meld to move it off the truck. It doesn't budge. In fact, I swore it backed up a bit. No amount of staring and swearing gets it to move, so we devise what will come to be forever be known in the neighborhood as THE PLAN. More appropriately, THE PLANS.

Now, the best laid plans of mice and men are subject to change, right? To call this "a plan in flux" would be like calling Stonehenge temporary. I can honestly say that from the back of the truck to the liftgate - a scant 7' for the wily, cagey 7' skid - our plan changed 3,277 times. The only thing which did not change from iteration to iteration was "if this puppy starts to go, I'm gonna holler and you jump on the back of that sucker like a starving lion on fresh kill". Onlookers appear as if a tractor trailer jackknifed on I90. Did I mention I was sweating buckets?

So we manage to get that sucker to the liftgate, inch by inch. We stare again. I'm such a fan of cantilevering at this point, we're willing to risk it all and get 2/3 of that puppy hanging off the ass-end and lower bit by bit while cuz swings off the back like a deranged Spider Monkey at the zoo. Yes Regis, as screwed as that sounds, that's my final answer and I'm outta lifelines baby.

We get 'er moving, and it occurs to me we are implementing "Charlie"'s plan #14, sans the twine, mineral spirits, coke can and gunpowder. So, bolstered with the immutable fact that "Charlie has seen this work, so it must be a sound plan", we proceed. Inch out, inch down, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. Finally the front end is a scant 8" off the ground - at a hell of an angle mind you, but it hasn't fallen - yet - so we get the pallet jack situated. Inch down, inch out, bingo-bango we're almost home. Change the liftgate angle, uh-huh, yup ... oh yeah, just like we planned ... yup ... ok, right there! Up an inch, over an inch, clear the stud - HEY MAN! IT IS DOWN BABY! YOU DA MANG! Wheel her home, right on the mark.

Simple.

Total truck rental costs: About $75. Total for refill of blood pressure medicine: $100. Total man hour costs: About $400. Two Hammers in the garage: Priceless.

Next up: The Unpacking ....

evanssm1


quality posts: 3 Private Messages evanssm1
laxdad wrote:

Total truck rental costs: About $75. Total for refill of blood pressure medicine: $100. Total man hour costs: About $400. Two Hammers in the garage: Priceless.

Next up: The Unpacking ....



You must be one heck of a story teller. You had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was just waiting for that "OH NO!" moment, but it never came, which is good for you. Cheers, now onto story two.....

(13) Woot Woots, (17) Shirt Woots, (10) Wine Woots, (2) Sellout Woot, (10) Kids Woot, (1) Deals Woot.
My Cellar
Ohio #2 Wine Tasting (Anyone In?)

soochee


quality posts: 0 Private Messages soochee
sanity wrote:Twins run in my family; my aunt had 3 sets, my mom one set, my younger brother and sister (by 15 months). Today, he is 6'3 and she is 5'1.

When we were younger, into their teens, people would ask if they were identical. I kid you not.



Haha! My sister and I are identical twins. We are mirror images of each other. People would just look at us funny and then ask "Are you sister?" Didn't help that my parents named us Suzi and Susan.

nallie


quality posts: 8 Private Messages nallie
laxdad wrote:I head straight to work to pick up my cousin, unannounced. I feel like Peter Falk walking into Alan Arkin's dentist office in "The In-Laws" - "hey buddy, got a few minutes?" (then Falk whisks Arkin off to South America - the movie is a top-10 if you've not seen it). After I stuff him into the truck with a wild tale of guns, lottery winnings and topless bars, off we go to my house.



A. Schmaltz means something totally different to me. Oh, wait. You said schmartz. Never mind.
B. Serpentine, Shelly. Serpentine!
C. Ditto what not-really-evan said.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - h.keller
"If you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, there is no use in worrying." - j.white (and also Shantideva)

nallie


quality posts: 8 Private Messages nallie
soochee wrote:Haha! My sister and I are identical twins. We are mirror images of each other. People would just look at us funny and then ask "Are you sister?" Didn't help that my parents named us Suzi and Susan.

I gotta admit, when your sis posts on your FB page I get a moderate case of vertigo. BTW, congrats on the new biz, Soochee. I'm hoping Santa brings me a new garter for Christmas.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - h.keller
"If you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, there is no use in worrying." - j.white (and also Shantideva)

nallie


quality posts: 8 Private Messages nallie

Love this thread, CJ. Thank you!!

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - h.keller
"If you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, there is no use in worrying." - j.white (and also Shantideva)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Okay, this is many, many moons ago, on our family's first trip to the Hawaiian Islands.

We were leaving Kauai, to head back to Oahu for our flight back to the mainland, and my sister insisted she wanted a coconut before we left.

We had just left the hotel, and were on our way to the airport, not too far away, probably 20 minutes. We were driving by a golf course, with Palm Trees and coconuts on the ground. So dad pulls over, and my sister (who's older by 5.5 years, so around 18)and I get out.

There's a small dirt gully between us and the the golf course, but it's somewhat steep. So I start down it gingerly (we were both wearing sandals) and get about halfway down, when I hear my sister start running down.

Needless to say, she sank down to her knees in mud. My dad and I are both hysterical with laughter, especially after she has to reach into the mud to pull out a sandal.

We had to stop at a beach so she could wash off her legs, arm, and sandals. And we found a coconut on the way.


Of course, when my dad tells the story, he says my sister should have known better, due to the jungle pith helmet on top of the mud (indicating someone sank into it).


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

javadrinker


quality posts: 4 Private Messages javadrinker
nallie wrote:I gotta admit, when your sis posts on your FB page I get a moderate case of vertigo. BTW, congrats on the new biz, Soochee. I'm hoping Santa brings me a new garter for Christmas.



If Santa doesn't, I will. Just lemme warm up my hands first...measure twice and buy once I always say.

And the path to drunken poverty continues... Java's Stash at CT

  • Wine.woots: um, lost count.
  • Other woots: um, lost count too. I might have a problem.

soochee


quality posts: 0 Private Messages soochee
nallie wrote:I gotta admit, when your sis posts on your FB page I get a moderate case of vertigo. BTW, congrats on the new biz, Soochee. I'm hoping Santa brings me a new garter for Christmas.



Thanks. I'm really excited and can't wait to start getting it out for everyone to see.

Good opportunity for a shameless plug. Check this out everyone. Visit blushgarters.com. My pocket garters make great gifts for yourself or the women in your life. Ohhh...maybe one day I can sell it as a woot offering.

nallie


quality posts: 8 Private Messages nallie
soochee wrote:Thanks. I'm really excited and can't wait to start getting it out for everyone to see.

Good opportunity for a shameless plug. Check this out everyone. Visit blushgarters.com. My pocket garters make great gifts for yourself or the women in your life. Ohhh...maybe one day I can sell it as a woot offering.

I am 100% certain that someday you shall!

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - h.keller
"If you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, there is no use in worrying." - j.white (and also Shantideva)

nallie


quality posts: 8 Private Messages nallie
javadrinker wrote:If Santa doesn't, I will. Just lemme warm up my hands first...measure twice and buy once I always say.

I am 100% certain that ain't gonna happen, Cabana Boy. Okay, maybe 98% certain...

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - h.keller
"If you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, there is no use in worrying." - j.white (and also Shantideva)

javadrinker


quality posts: 4 Private Messages javadrinker
nallie wrote:I am 100% certain that ain't gonna happen, Cabana Boy. Okay, maybe 98% certain...



2%? After consulting my handing dandy quick reference guide...



...that's better odds than the wine I helped make in Vegas being quaffable. I'll take it.

And go Soochee!!!

[/thread highjack]

And the path to drunken poverty continues... Java's Stash at CT

  • Wine.woots: um, lost count.
  • Other woots: um, lost count too. I might have a problem.

nallie


quality posts: 8 Private Messages nallie
javadrinker wrote:2%? After consulting my handing dandy quick reference guide...



...that's better odds than the wine I helped make in Vegas being quaffable. I'll take it.

And go Soochee!!!

[/thread highjack]

Dude, you're totally screwing with my plan to be last poster in 5 or more threads.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - h.keller
"If you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, there is no use in worrying." - j.white (and also Shantideva)

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Course there was the time I was video taping my two nephews in my parent's backyard, who were running around the pool.

You know, the really old unit, with the huge camera and the tape in the unit hanging off the shoulder?

And walked into the deep end of the pool .... but I saved the camera, saying to myself "whew". Forgetting the tape was in the unit off my shoulder (in the water). Ooops.


Luckily the tape was still mostly okay, after it dried out.



And instead of getting one of those smaller cameras, Dad still bought another shoulder unit, but one where the VCR tape could go inside it.


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

ddeuddeg


quality posts: 29 Private Messages ddeuddeg
nallie wrote:Dude, you're totally screwing with my plan to be last poster in 5 or more threads.



I used to think that was a really silly idea, until I managed the last poster in 6 consecutive threads, started celebrating, then saw "The Look" clearly saying "would you puh-leeeeze grow up?" I don't suppose I have to mention where the look was coming from.
On another topic, hey CJ, how's the studying going? That sing-along is just 6 days away.

"Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge". - Hester Browne


Ddeuddeg's Cheesecake Cookbook

kttest


quality posts: 2 Private Messages kttest
soochee wrote:Thanks. I'm really excited and can't wait to start getting it out for everyone to see.

Good opportunity for a shameless plug. Check this out everyone. Visit blushgarters.com. My pocket garters make great gifts for yourself or the women in your life. Ohhh...maybe one day I can sell it as a woot offering.



OOOH YAY! Congrats on the launch! I saw the product live and they are very cool! Good luck!

- Krista
"Wine is the most civilized thing in the world." -Ernest Hemingway.
NYC Tastings Summary courtesy of HAK

soochee


quality posts: 0 Private Messages soochee
kttest wrote:OOOH YAY! Congrats on the launch! I saw the product live and they are very cool! Good luck!



Thank KT!

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Well, to get this back on topic .....


WineWootaholic wrote:Reminds me of years ago, getting my son (about 8 or 9 years old) a pocket knife for Christmas, telling him, to be careful, not to touch the edge, as it's very sharp. Well, he did, and got it bandaged, he left for bowling as he was on a team, and proudly announced that he had gotten a Pocket knife, and that it was sharp, and he cut his thumb.......The other 3 boys, held up their bandaged thumbs, and said, we got pocket knives too.....

Now how old are you PB22? Still a little boy I see.



This is an excellent story for CJ's thread. In fact .....


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark

Ok, true story.

A friend was using her GPS while driving around on a trip with a friend (maybe more than one). Unfortunately, she hadn't removed the "keep off dirt roads" (or some such setting). And it had been rainy lately.

And whilst on said dirt road, she saw a small amount of water ahead on the road, and decided to drive thru it. Unfortunately, said "puddle", wasn't. And the water killed the electronics of her wonderful hybrid. Permanently.




This became enshrined in the Wine.Woot Hall of Shame as ...... "Jersey Cheron and the Puddle of Doom"


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

cheron98


quality posts: 123 Private Messages cheron98
MarkDaSpark wrote:Ok, true story.

A friend was using her GPS while driving around on a trip with a friend (maybe more than one). Unfortunately, she hadn't removed the "keep off dirt roads" (or some such setting). And it had been rainy lately.

And whilst on said dirt road, she saw a small amount of water ahead on the road, and decided to drive thru it. Unfortunately, said "puddle", wasn't. And the water killed the electronics of her wonderful hybrid. Permanently.




This became enshrined in the Wine.Woot Hall of Shame as ...... "Jersey Cheron and the Puddle of Doom"



It should be noted that said dirt road was listed as a county highway and had all the appropriate signage as such. And it was "unpaved".

Actually no. No, you told the story all wrong.

I saw HitAnyKey42 on wine.woot! and clicked "I want one!"

cheron98


quality posts: 123 Private Messages cheron98

So here's the REAL story behind the Puddle of Doom.

A group of friends of mine take a trip to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan from time to time and rent a cottage up there for a week. We had probably 4 or 5 cars up there given all the people. So on this particular trip, very early on in the week (Monday, day 2), we decided we were going to go to Tahquamenon Falls (yeah, I dare you to pronounce that) by way of this cute little railroad thing where you take a train ride then take a boat ride to the falls. Very pretty. So we plug in the destination into my TomTom, and it asked us if we wished to avoid the unpaved roads. We conferred and agreed that unpaved roads tends to mean packed dirt, usually gravel of some sort. After double checking the route and seeing that the unpaved roads were all county highways, we decided to go ahead and allow the GPS to lead us that way.

So we get to a point where it tells us to turn, and we do, and we begin the unpaved road. And like we figured, it was packed and gravelly. For about a mile. And then it started to get looser, but we could still get through, so we kept going.

And then it turned into beach sand.

But the next turn was only about a couple miles away so we pushed onward. We forded a puddle by this point already, quite easily. The terrain became hillier, and we reached the top of a hill to look down onto another puddle, very similar looking to the one we previously forded. And there wasn't really anywhere to turn around anyway. So onward we went. We saw tire tracks going into the puddle from a previous driver, and so figured it must be passable. Down the hill, into the puddle...

And not back out. And there were no tire tracks on the other side. Oh, and it was a mosquito breeding puddle.

So here we are, in the puddle, mosquitoes everywhere, and absolutely no cell phone service. So two of the guys get out, thinking "It's a Prius, how heavy could it be?" (Did I mention I had a Prius at the time? Yeah.) These are two fairly strong guys, keep in mind. This is important. Two of them. They went to the back of the car and made an attempt to push it out. Nothing doing. And they made an attempt to pull it out.

Well, the only thing that pulled was one of their groins. Yes, a guy goes on vacation with his girlfriend (not me) and sprains his groin, and not in a fun way.

By this time we realize the car just isn't going anywhere. Water has begun to come into the car, I'm in a near-shock state with my hands glued to the steering wheel. The two who were in the backseat (one of which now has a sprained groin) decide it's time to go back for help, so they get back out and get into the car that was following us (more of our friends). The only clear thought I had at the moment was to hand them the GPS so they could find us again.

Time passes, and the car finally gives out. It just dies. And with it, obviously, goes the air conditioner. We have no idea if they made it back to "civilization" or if they got stuck in the previous puddle. But we couldn't take it anymore because the car was just getting too hot. And we'd already killed the thousand mosquitoes that entered the car when the doors had been opened, so our entertainment was literally dead. We decided it was time to get out and brave the wilderness and try to walk back.

MEANWHILE, the second car HAD indeed made it back to a gas station, and Sprained Groin was elected to go talk to the attendant to get help. The conversation went something like this:

Sprained Groin: "So, we're stuck out on Cranberry Lake Road."
Gas Attendant: "You been out there all night?"
SG: "...No... just trying to get through."
GA: "Ah, cuz the only reason anyone goes out there is to be parking." (Apparently this is Yooper speak for Kids going out and parking their car and ...well... doing things teenagers do when no one is looking.)
SG: "Uh, no."
GA: "Okay, let me call the tow truck."

Gas Attendant gets on the phone with Tow Guy.

GA: "Yep, so there's these kids stuck out there."
TG: "Ok, what kind of car is it?"
GA (to SG): "What kind of car?"
SG: "Um, a Prius."

Pause.

GA (to TG): "A Prius."

Pause.

TG: *roaring laughter*

So eventually Tow Guy comes to the station, and the group elects Zoomba to return with him to the car. Now, Tow Guy shows up and it's your very stereotypical backwoods tow dude - the 80 year old ex-Marine in the biggest Ford pickup you've ever seen, with the big dumb deaf dog sitting on the bench with him. Zoomba and Tow Guy and Big Dumb Deaf Dog head on out to the dirt road to return to the car.

BACK AT THE CAR, me and the (now) ex are walking along the dirt, swatting the mosquitoes as we go. As we approach the first hill, we can hear the cavalry call, and the soundtrack is the Bonanza theme song, as the huge truck, the Tow Guy, Zoomba, and the Big Dumb Deaf Dog appear cresting over the hill.

I think I started crying. Tears of joy.

So they get to the car, and Zoomba hands me some sustenance that someone had very wisely thought to give him for me. I crawl into the truck and eat my snack while the dog stares at me. Tow Guy then proceeds to get a tow hitch thing, walks up to the car with the tow hitch in one hand, and uses his other hand to SINGLE-HANDEDLY lift the car to hook it up.

Yes. The 80 year old ex-Marine did with one hand what two young, strong guys couldn't do with 4.

He pulls the car out, gets it hooked up, and tows it back out. The nearest place to bring it, since it's a foreign hybrid, was back across the Mackinaw Bridge and down to Cheboygan. Which equates to a $500 tow.

Oh yeah, and those tire tracks that we saw going into the puddle but not back out: they were from a Hummer that had previously gotten stuck. The same Tow Guy got him out, too.

Lesson learned: When the GPS asks if you want to avoid the unpaved roads, ALWAYS say yes.

I saw HitAnyKey42 on wine.woot! and clicked "I want one!"

MarkDaSpark


quality posts: 181 Private Messages MarkDaSpark
cheron98 wrote:It should be noted that said dirt road was listed as a county highway and had all the appropriate signage as such. And it was "unpaved".

Actually no. No, you told the story all wrong.



Well of course! I wasn't there .... and you do tell it so well.

And you added more details you left off last time. The mosquitoes, the two young guys trying to get it out, and the tow guy.


I forgot about the tire tracks leading into the PoD, but not out. But you left off how much it was going to cost to fix the electronics for the Prius!! And thus your shiny new Yaris .....


Someone has to put WD's kids thru college, but why does it have to be me!
*This post is for purposes of enabling only, and does not constitute any promise of helping pay for said enabling. It does indicate willingness to assist in drinking said wine.

tenuki


quality posts: 7 Private Messages tenuki
MarkDaSpark wrote:Well of course! I wasn't there .... and you do tell it so well.

And you added more details you left off last time. The mosquitoes, the two young guys trying to get it out, and the tow guy.


I forgot about the tire tracks leading into the PoD, but not out. But you left off how much it was going to cost to fix the electronics for the Prius!! And thus your shiny new Yaris .....



Cuz they wouldn't dare laugh at a Yaris

CT

WineWootaholic


quality posts: 1 Private Messages WineWootaholic
cheron98 wrote:
we decided we were going to go to Tahquamenon Falls (yeah, I dare you to pronounce that)



BTW, when I lived in Michigan, I used a more direct route, and the falls are quite pretty, and the water is very colorful....Didn't see the puddle of doom though.!

A man not old, but mellow, like good wine,
Stephen Phillips (1845-1915)

"I love cooking with wine, Sometimes I even put it in the food."

33 wine.woot's, 9 woot-off wines