SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Lynnzoi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Lynnzoi

OH NO!

Riding the Bus:

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize
... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your
farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel
better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really
staring you down and that's when you remember...........




...............you've been listening to your ipod.

Lynnzoi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Lynnzoi

from my (Jewish) college roommate





Subject: The Bacon Tree
----------------------------

Way back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost, and low on food. No game (deer, buffalo, etc) or other humans had been seen in days, when the pioneers saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" asked the wagonmaster.

The Jew responded, "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but Ivouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagonmaster.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere," repeated the Jew.

The wagonmaster went back and told his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a member of the wagon train asked.

Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know the Jews. They have a thing about pork."

So the wagon train went up the hill and down the other side.

Suddenly, Indians attacked them from everywhere, and massacred all, except the wagonmaster, who managed to escape and get back to the old Jew.

Near dead, the wagonmaster shouted, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just
hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old Jew held up his hand and said, "Vait a minute." He quickly picked up an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it.

"Oy! I made such a big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree; it vuz a ham bush."

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'



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ThunderThighs


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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'



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kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer, please, and one for the road.

undertow976


quality posts: 6 Private Messages undertow976

Two guys have gone hunting andcamping together for 40 years. This year, they go camping during deer season and one of them has a heart attack.
The other man calls 9 1 1 and says, "i think my friend had a heart attack died."
the 9 1 1 operator says, "OK calm down, make sure he is dead before we go on in the call."
The operator hears *BANG* and the man says, "What next?"

undertow976


quality posts: 6 Private Messages undertow976
DA59 wrote:A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'



i lol'd at work, it was embarassing

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending upon cup and speaker size.

The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough, because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.



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websorcerer


quality posts: 1 Private Messages websorcerer

This was an actual Narraganset beer commercial I heard in Massachusetts a long time ago.


A man and his dog walk into a tavern and sit at the bar. The man says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and one for my dog."

The bartender replies, "You can have a beer, but I'm not serving a dog."

The man replies, "But, he's special. He can talk."

"Oh yeah, well have him say something".

"OK. Rover, what is the texture of sandpaper?"

The dog replies, "Rough!"

The bartender, unimpressed, says, "Make him say something else."

"Rover, what is the top of a house called?"

Rover answers, "Roof!"

"Hey, let me ask Rover a question, OK?", asks the bartender.

"Sure", replies the man.

"Rover, who was the 16th president of the United States?", asks the bartender.

Rover thinks a moment and says, "Rrrrrrr....Cleveland?"

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."



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Staff

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
 
Dear Dogs and Cats:  The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
 
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not the object.   Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
 
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a round-ish thing, um, ah... when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
 
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
 
The proper order for Kissing is:  Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough.

-------------------------------
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
 
(1)  They live here.  You don't.  (2)  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That' s where they rest.  (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.  (4)  To you, they are animals.  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
 
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children . 

 



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SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any guppy, be ready to receive a ton of Gigli (2003).



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jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
DA59 wrote:Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any guppy, be ready to receive a ton of Gigli (2003).



oh noes! not Gigli!

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Lesson to be learned.

LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION

> First-year students at NC State's Vet school were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
> The professor stated they would need to pay attention at all times to learn. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
> covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
> them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important
> qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by
> anything involving the animal body".
> For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
> in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
> "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
> freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns
> sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
> second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
> Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Mommy Sincerest
Retail | Annapolis, MD, USA

(I’m in a dressing room when I overhear a mother a few rooms down having this conversation with her two children she had brought in with her. She’s adding up aloud how much her items will cost.)

Mom: $57…$64…”

Child #1: “Uh-oh, mommy! Daddy said your limit was 50 dollars! That is more than 50 dollars!”

Child #2: “Yeah, daddy said you can’t spend any more than $50!”

Mom: “Well, you know what?! Since daddy gets to go to work everyday and I’m stuck with you two, I can spend however much I want! So you can tell daddy that he can kiss mommy’s fat a**! How about that?!”

Child #2: *giggles* “I can’t wait to tell daddy that! You’re so funny, mommy!”



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AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
DA59 wrote:Mommy Sincerest
Retail | Annapolis, MD, USA

(I’m in a dressing room when I overhear a mother a few rooms down having this conversation with her two children she had brought in with her. She’s adding up aloud how much her items will cost.)

Mom: $57…$64…”

Child #1: “Uh-oh, mommy! Daddy said your limit was 50 dollars! That is more than 50 dollars!”

Child #2: “Yeah, daddy said you can’t spend any more than $50!”

Mom: “Well, you know what?! Since daddy gets to go to work everyday and I’m stuck with you two, I can spend however much I want! So you can tell daddy that he can kiss mommy’s fat a**! How about that?!”

Child #2: *giggles* “I can’t wait to tell daddy that! You’re so funny, mommy!”



Man hater

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

AZGman wrote:Man hater

Sigh. I just thought it was funny.



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KtCallista


quality posts: 33 Private Messages KtCallista
DA59 wrote:Sigh. I just thought it was funny.



sad and funny! I can just hear that little kid telling Daddy that exact phrase!

___________________________________________________________________
Paper Napkins on the Edge of Insanity

You can call me Goddess, that's fine.

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
AZGman wrote:Lesson to be learned.

LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION

> First-year students at NC State's Vet school were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
> The professor stated they would need to pay attention at all times to learn. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
> covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
> them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important
> qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by
> anything involving the animal body".
> For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
> in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
> "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
> freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns
> sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
> second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
> Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."



hoho!

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
DA59 wrote:Sigh. I just thought it was funny.



i thought it was sorta funny when I read it... maybe the humor plays differently if you're actually a mother

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
jqubed wrote:i thought it was sorta funny when I read it... maybe the humor plays differently if you're actually a mother



Or a husband/ father

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
AZGman wrote:Or a husband/ father



that too

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

danrpierce


quality posts: 0 Private Messages danrpierce
jqubed wrote:that too



Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four it would be a sedan!

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
danrpierce wrote:Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four it would be a sedan!



//snerk//

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. 

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead. 

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. 



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ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

From Not Always Right site.

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to return this cookie jar.”

Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes.” *hands receipts over*

Me: “So why are you returning this?”

Customer: “Oh, my husband didn’t fit into it.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, my husband recently passed away. He loved cookies, so I figured that I would get him something like this for an urn, but when I tried to put him in there, he didn’t fit.”

Me: “Ah.”



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kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

What do you get when you cross GPS & PMS?


A crazed woman who WILL find you!

Lynnzoi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Lynnzoi

(I apologize for the all cap letters - thats how it was when I cut-n-pasted and I ain't about to retype it)




A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
Lynnzoi wrote:(I apologize for the all cap letters - thats how it was when I cut-n-pasted and I ain't about to retype it)




A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."



//Bloop!!//

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 564 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in botharms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the waythat it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.. I told her no. I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.



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jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
danrpierce wrote:Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four it would be a sedan!



ba-dum ching!

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed
DA59 wrote:Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in botharms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the waythat it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.. I told her no. I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.



ha-ha!

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

jqubed


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jqubed

Go Bears

(Stephan Pastis is the creator of the immensely popular comic strip Pearls Before Swine.)

ⅉℚ Seventh Annual Woot! Bracketology | I'm Quality Peoples!

Skye — 1997-2007

Gatzby


quality posts: 43 Private Messages Gatzby