Triple X
America has been stunned by the appearance of a team of wines with flavor and value far beyond anything previously seen by mortal man!
“The most obvious question with respect to X Winery and proprietor Reed Renaudin,” says some guy named Robert Parker in some sort of newsletter called The Wine Advocate, “is how can these wines be this good at these prices?”
Indeed, Mr. Parker, whoever you are – that IS the question. Let us posit an answer. It may shock you. It may disturb you. It may leave you feeling deeply, profoundly indifferent. But it must be considered:
Mutant grapes.
Yes, we contend that the presence of a mutated super-grape chromosome accounts for these so-called X-Wines. And that fact, while unproven, should send a chill through the heart of every winemaker in America. Because soon, if these mutant wines have their way, nobody will be able to get away with selling swill just because it’s cheap.
How else to explain the X Winery 2006 Paso Robles Petite Sirah? Can its superlative aromas of blackberry, cedar, and smoke really be explained by the Templeton Gap’s cool nights and shale soils? Does anyone believe that its dense, complex berry, coffee, and pepper flavors are mere natural phenomenon? In the course of routine testing, we fired a gun at it and the bullets just bounced off. One sip of this super-muscular, steel-plated Petite Sirah proves it’s something beyond typical wine.
The same could be said of the X Winery 2007 Red X Winemaker’s Blend. A product of genetic material from all over the North Coast, this bold but harmonious blend displays powers of wild cherry, cinnamon toast, cashew, and cranberry that defy ordinary explanation, along with soft and supple tannins the likes of which have never before been seen by most scientists. Why? Because most scientists don’t make all that much money, and they’re not used to being able to afford wines this good. If Red X was a person, it would probably shoot red beams of pure flavor out of its eyes.
And so we turn to the final member of this fantastic three, the X Winery 2005 Amicus Napa Valley Special Blend. Rich. Concentrated. Intense. Velvety. Most of all, dark. Dark cherry and dark chocolate on the nose. Those same dark flavors on the palate. A long finish that lingers like some sort of dark phoenix. The darkness beckons us, tempts us, whispers dark promises into our noses. And it’ll only get more powerful with age.
We admit that our argument has a few holes, such as the complete absence of objective evidence. But consider this: if it was mortally possible to produce such excellent wines at such low prices, why wouldn’t more people be doing it? Either Reed Renaudin (if that is his real name) has discovered a method for mutating X Winery’s grapes to give them supernatural powers over the human palate, or other wineries charge too much for wine that’s not that good. Which is easier for YOU to believe?
2005 Amicus Napa Valley Special Blend
Vineyard: 98% Napa Valley Spring Mountain, 2% Lake County
Blend: 51% Cabernet Sauvignon, 28% Merlot, 11% Petit Verdot,10% Cabernet Franc
Aging Info: 30 months, 100% French Oak, 50% new
Alc: 14.5%
pH: 3.62
TA: 6.62 g/L
RS: <1 g/L
Free SO2 at bottling: 30 ppm
Cases produced: 400
2006 Paso Robles Petite Sirah
Vineyard: Templeton Gap area
Blend: 85% Petite Sirah,15% Syrah
Aging: 18 months in 50% French Oak, 50% American Oak & 20% New Oak
Alcohol: 14.5%
pH: 3.66
TA: 5.93 g/L
RS: < 1 g/L
Production: 224 cases
Released: September 2008
2007 Red X Winemaker’s Blend
Vineyard: 76% Lake County, 15% Napa County, and 9% Sonoma County
Blend: 60% Syrah, 21% Cabernet Sauvignon, 19% Zinfandel
Aging: 16 months in 19% new French oak, 8% new American oak, 73% neutral oak
Alcohol: 14.5%
pH: 3.66
TA: 7.5 g/L
RS: <4 g/L
Production: 1200 cases
Released: April 2009
Rules and restrictions:
- Wine sold by winery (or a retailer in your state where necessary)
- You must be 21 or older to order
- Whoever receives the package must be 21 or older
- If you're drunk when the package shows up, you will not be allowed to receive it
- Wine cannot be delivered to a P.O. Box
- We highly recommend you use a business address as your shipping address
Thanks to stick-in-the-mud buzzkilling state legislators, wine may only be delivered to the following states:
- Arizona
- California
- Colorado
- District Of Columbia
- Florida
- Georgia
- Illinois
- Iowa
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- Michigan
- Minnesota
- Nevada
- New Hampshire
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- West Virginia
- Wisconsin
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If your state's not on the list, you're out of luck... for now. Keep up with the ever-changing laws over at ShipCompliantBlog.com, and/or sound the alarms with your state assembly person through FreeTheGrapes.org. Meanwhile, all Federal, state and local laws are complied with in providing this wine.
