You May Now Gross Out The Bride
Dear sirs: I am writing to explain why I will not pay the balance of the catering bill from my wedding.
When we first met with you to draw up the menu, certain assurances were offered on your part. A full Italian buffet with multiple vegetarian options. A selection of high-quality beer, wine, and spirits. And hors d’oeuvres appropriate to the occasion.
Well, we were willing to overlook many things. As far as I know, bratwurst fajitas are not of Italian origin. The vegetarian option – a raw onion stuffed with lentils – was disappointing but met the letter of the contract. Perhaps we should have defined “high-quality” more clearly, so we’ll take the blame for the MD 20/20 and the Sam’s Club gin. But even at our most magnanimous, we simply cannot accept tartar-sauce-drizzled Funyons as “appropriate to the occasion.”
If only you had served the Kitchen Table Bakers All-Parmesan Gourmet Cheese Crisps we suggested, this unpleasantness could have been avoided. These flavorful, wheat-free, gluten-free crisps are made of parmesan cheese baked into crunchy rounds, and come in Aged Parmesan, Italian Herb, Garlic, Jalapeño, Rosemary, and Everything flavors. These versatile, healthy snacks could have been employed as dipping chips, as the base for canapés, or on their own, had you but heeded our advice.
As recipients of the SOFI Gold Award at the 2009 Fancy Food Show, these crisps would certainly have met our standards for suitable wedding fare. But we were so disappointed by your choice of appetizer that we had decided not to pay this bill even before we saw the wedding cake. Bacon Bits and Velveeta have their place, but it’s not in a cake.
Thank you,
Mrs. Tiffany Sherberger Walz
Ingredients:
- Aged Parmesan: Pasteurized Part Skim Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes
- Italian Herb: Pasteurized Part Skim Milk, Oregano, Basil, Parsley, Salt, Enzymes
- Garlic: Pasteurized Part Skim Milk, Minced Garlic, salt, enzymes
- Jalapeño: Pasteurized Part Skim Milk, Jalapeño, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Non-Animal Rennet.
- Rosemary: Pasteurized Part Skim Milk, Rosemary, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes
- Everything: Pasteurized Part Skim Milk, Sesame Seeds, Poppy Seeds, Garlic, Minced Onions, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Non-Animal Rennet
- 100% Parmesan
Serving Size: 3 Crackers
Servings per Container: 6
Amount Per Serving % Daily Values (Percent values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.)
Total Calories: 80
Calories From Fat: 50
Total Fat: 6 g 9%
Saturated Fat: 3.5 g 18%
Trans Fat: 0 g
Cholesterol: 15 mg 6%
Sodium: 150 mg 6%
Total Carbohydrates: <1 g 0%
Dietary Fiber: 0 g 0%
Sugars: 0 g
Protein: 7 g
Vitamin: A2%
Vitamin: C0%
Calcium: 20%
Iron: 2%
Each package contains approximately 18 crisps. Net weight 3 oz. Wheat, Gluten, and Sugar Free. Naturally low in calories and carbs
In the Box:
- 1 Aged Parmesan Crisps
- 1 Italian Herb Parmesan Crisps
- 1 Garlic Parmesan Crisps
- 1 Jalapeño Parmesan Crisps
- 1 Rosemary Parmesan Crisps
- 1 Everything Parmesan Crisps
