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Uncork to open

Friends don’t let friends waste wine all over their ships.

Ah, two bottles of NV White Flowers Brut Sparkling Riesling and two bottles of NV White Flowers Sweet Sparkling Riesling. Nice choice! But, there is one thing. Before I let you buy those, I just gotta make sure you understand: these wines are for drinking. Not boat-christening.

Maybe it seems like a weird thing to say, but we’ve had a lot of people coming in looking for sparkling wine recently, and when we ask them what exactly they prefer, they say, “Something that smashes nicely on a hull.”

And that’s totally fair, considering that recent study that outlined the christened vs. non-christened sink rates. But we just want to make sure that you know this is drinking wine. The Brut’s lip-smacking flavors of spiced Granny Smith apple, lemon, and dried apricot are meant to melt in your mouth, not on your boat. And the same goes for the Sweet’s floral, yeasty notes.

If you’re looking for some boat-christening wine, we keep a cases of cheap stuff in the back. It’s all bubble and no business, so it looks nice and flashing when it cracks open, and you don’t have to waste this good stuff out on the dock. Understand? Good.

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Welcome, fellas, to the Strawberry Walrus!

Please give a warm “Strawberry Walrus” welcome to Candy Basket, making her way to stage 4!

That’s right gentlemen, she’s 27 ounces of pure deliciousness hailing from Portland, OR and she’s packing just under 50 patties of fun! She’s the proud result of a four-generations-old recipe using delicious premium pecans, soft slow-cooked caramel, and rich Guittard milk- and dark-chocolate! I’m sure all you guys are so quiet because you’re busy pulling your tongues back up into your mouths!

Oh my, get a load of those Fleur de Sel Salted Caramel Pecan Patties! This girl was carved by the Big Man Upstairs himself and sent as a gift to prove he loves us all, boys! So sweet and savory! So chewy and crunchy! Make some noise and don’t be shy with your dollars, gentlemen! This is one Valentine’s Day gift no one would mind having, am I right?

Make some noise, boys, treats like this don’t come along every day! Be sure to tip your waitresses!

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Unforgettable

Boy, thank goodness Valentine’s Day comes around once a year. Otherwise, I don’t know that I’d ever remember to care about you at all, honey!

I guess that’s why holidays like this exist, huh? You know, so you remember to do important things like “care about your family” or “annoy your neighbors by blowing things up late at night” or “eat turkey”? Gosh, I don’t know that I’ve even said the words “I love you” to you at all in the year. And if I did, I probably didn’t mean it. I probably just said it out of habit. Either that or I was talking to my iPad and not you. Alright then, let’s do this. I love you. There? Are we done here?

Oh, right. I forgot about the exchange of gifts thing. I guess it sort of makes it all official and not just an empty gesture, doesn’t it? Well here’s a 2011 The Crusher Rosé of Pinot Noir 4-pack and a box Le Belge Chocolate Truffles just for you, sweetie. I’m sure the fragrant bouquet of wild strawberry, apricot and notes of rose combined with the vibrant tangerine, strawberry, and subtle Key Lime flavors will remind you of the magical night we first met. You say we didn’t have wine the night we met? Huh. Must be some other woman I’m thinking of.

Well you do like fine Belgian chocolates, right? Because you get two Le Coeur du Lait truffles, featuring Belgian Milk chocolate layered over vanilla ganache, and a couple Le Coeur d’Amour truffles that have raspberry gelate layered over a vanilla-infused dark ganache in dark chocolate in this box of Le Belge Chocolate Truffles. Plus, to be honest, I don’t think I can take them back if you don’t. So yeah.

Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day, girlfriend! Let’s do this again next year. What? WE’RE MARRIED? No way! I can’t believe I forgot something like that. There should really be a day somewhere in the year that reminds you of getting married, don’t you think?

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Bipartisan Misery

What’s the difference between a grape and a Senator? A grape can have integrity.

At this point, it’s not even talking politics to say Congress is doing a terrible job. Horrible mistakes on both sides of the aisle are kicking approval ratings down to the single digits. It’s reassuring that the election season is on the way, but do you really want to put back the same people causing all this trouble? Instead, why not elect candidates with integrity? Why not the Emery Estate Sonoma Valley Red 2-Pack?

Sure, there’d be a little issue with a birth certificate, but what does that matter between friends? We’ll vouch for them: the Emery Estate Sonoma Valley Red 2-Pack was born from grapes grown in the Sonoma region of California. The grapes were picked based on taste, texture and, you got it, integrity. Shall we take a deeper look at the candidates?

The 2006 Deborah Factor Cabernet Sauvignon is ripe and rich. It boasts a nose of blackberries, black plums, blueberries and violets, just like the violets you might give to your dear sainted mother on her birthday. The fruit’s forward and never gives up, and the undercurrent of chocolate truffles will test well among the 18-36 crowd.

In the second slot you’ll find the 2007 Sonoma Valley Estate Syrah. Aromas of candied violets and fine cured meats show a willingness to do what is right, while the generous notes of fresh blueberry, blackberry and dried cranberry illustrate how it can compromise as needed. Then there’s the little things, the hints of mineral, black pepper, anise, blood orange and milk chocolate. Isn’t that the sort of wine you want to put to work for you?

This year, don’t choose one of those bozos who only think about themselves. Think about the candidates who’ve grown and matured as only a fine wine can. This year, choose the Emery Estate Sonoma Valley Red 2-Pack.

Because the closer we get to November, the more you’re gonna need a drink.

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Games on the Marycrest

Wine is serious business for winemakers. But for wine drinkers, it’s a good time.

Whether you go with the 2008 Zinfandel-Remo Belli Vineyard’s big, jammy-toasty fruit flavors and rich, full body, or the 2007 My Generation’s fruit forward, firm structure and deep notes of coffee and tobacco, one thing’s for sure: you’re going to enjoy yourself with these wines from Vines on the Marycrest. In fact, they’re so much fun, that they’ve inspired a series of wine-bottle games. For example:

• Cork in One – you set up baskets and try to toss a cork into them. If you get a cork in a basket, you drink a glass of wine. If you miss, you also drink a glass of wine. The part where you try to toss the cork into the baskets isn’t really a requirement.
• Conversation – You sip a glass of wine and talk to someone at a party, but competitively. The points may never be revealed, but trust us, SOMEONE IS KEEPING SCORE! SO GO OUT THERE AND WIN THAT CONVERSATION!
• Wine Bowling – Set up bottles of wine in a bowling pin formation, and then roll a size-able ball towards them. NOTE: the game is most fun when all players miss bottles intentionally and just end up drinking the wine. Anyone who actually knocks a bottle over should be asked to leave.
• Coin Loss – Pass around a coin flipping it and announcing “Heads” or “Tails.” Allow for conversation to start up naturally. When you’ve lost track of who has the coin (or forgotten that there even is a coin going around), that’s when it’s time to drink some wine.
• Game Time? – With a group of friends, discuss playing any of the above games. When you eventually decide not to, realize the discussion itself was a game! Celebrate your victory with wine.

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Okay, in retrospect that was a pretty dumb thing to say.

Of course I apologize, but you guys could lay off with the criticism, y’know.

My fellow Americans, I stand before you today humbled, but even more determined to earn your nomination for the United States Presidential election. I’ve run a strong, honest campaign. I’ve avoided the mudslinging and petty indictments of my opponents. I am the only candidate not tarnished by a sex scandal or infidelity of some sort.

And, were it not for this recent slip of the tongue, I believe I’d still be your frontrunner.

Every politician has a slip of the tongue now and then. Howard Dean’s infamous war shriek doomed his campaign. George W. Bush had his famous “Fool me twice” speech. Joe Biden dropped an F bomb on a live mic after the President has finished his address. The point is not to focus on one niggling little mistake and lose sight of my overall qualifications and history!

Look, I have a weakness for white wine. Love it, in fact. You might say it’s my one vice. I mean, not like THAT. I can stop any time. Oh, no. I mean I can actually stop, not “I can stop any time” the way alcoholics say it. Crap. Anyway, the point is someone on my campaign staff had just purchased a 10knots 2010 Viognier White Wine 4-Pack to celebrate our victory in the caucus.

And THAT is why it was reported on CNN that I screamed “White Power!” behind the scenes at the debate. I was just really excited about the Viognier. Honest.

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Man Your Positions

First, it was a fort, built to defend the road between Siena and the sea. Today, it’s a vineyard, well-suited for red wine.

CastelGiocondo is an ancient fortress, dating back to 1100 C.E. Of course, back then, it was of strategic importance, and only the very best were assigned to man its gates.

But after a few decades.. well, nobody was invading, nobody was aggressing, and politics in Italy had become much more personal and “hands on.” So the great CastelGiocondo began to loosen up a little. The finest soldiers and the best officers were sent elsewhere, and as we know from old war movies, as soon discipline gets sloppy those slacker troops start looking for a way to get drunk.

Thankfully for them (and us) the fields of CastelGiocondo have always been well-suited for growing terrific grapes. And maybe it didn’t happen just the way we described, but somebody sure put love and time into the lineage from which our 2006 CastelGiocondo Brunello di Montalcino two pack was born. Do you think these aromas of wild blackberry, red currant and sour cherry could just appear by themselves? Or that the strong crisp flavors of sour cherry and red fruits just happened without someone’s careful tending? Maybe you think the Consorzio del Vino Brunello di Montalcino just gives away five star “Exceptional” ratings to any old bottle they find floating in the harbor?

The 2006 CastelGiocondo Brunello di Montalcino comes from a long tradition of fine soil, great weather, and hard work. Maybe the fort isn’t so important now, but guess what? The wine certainly is. Grab this two pack to stand honor guard for your next dinner party. This is the mission it was born for.

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Too Soon

Wait. It’s only your first date. Do you really want to open one of these bottles of Nebbiolo now?

Sure, it’s been a wonderful evening. She’s intelligent. She’s clever. The dinner conversation was enchanting and never dull. It turns out you’ve got a lot in common, too, like a deep love for 18th century Russian literature, post-industrial minimalist electro-acoustic music, and kitties. The connection you felt on your romantic stroll along the beach under the moonlight was so strong you were able to gather up the courage to invite her in for a night cap. All good signs that a blissful relationship is about to begin.

But, dude, opening up one of your three bottles of 2008 Jacuzzi Nebbiolo may be going a little overboard, don’t you think?

Think about it: You’ve known this lady for what, four, maybe five hours? She’s “enchanting,” sure, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to start whipping out your best stuff on your first date. Who knows? She could be playing some sick game with your mind to steal your comic book collection, or be an escort that your buddies paid to “date” you to keep you from complaining about how lonely you are.

Heck, this woman could have a jealous ex-boyfriend who slaughtered her family years ago, forcing her to go into hiding under a new identity in the Witness Protection Program until they catch him. IF they catch him, of course, and he hasn’t been stalking the two of you all evening, waiting for his chance to strike.

But you won’t know any of that stuff until at LEAST the third or fourth date. Do you really want to share the generous notes of pomegranate and crisp bright cherry of this California rarity with someone whose secret past might shatter the fragile bond you’ve just made? I think not.

Do yourself a favor: Grab a packet of drink mix from the cupboard, pour it into some white soda, and give her a glass of that. If she can stomach it AND agree to a second date, maybe this relationship will work out. But don’t go sharing your 2008 Jacuzzi Nebbiolo until you’re sure.

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Oh come on, we can’t be the only ones.

If ever a product was crying for Tay Zonday as a pitchman, it’s this.

Sometimes they just write themselves, folks. And when you’ve got a deal like a Rain Republic Guatemalan Chocolate 10-Pack, you don’t stand in the way of pure comedy gold. Come on! RAIN Republic? CHOCOLATE? Let’s do this!

Forget all the nonsense about about a bean-to-bar chocolate maker providing jobs to over 300 Guatemalans making artisan chocolate using Gutaemalan cacao sourced without any pesticides or insecticides at all. No one cares! Fleeting Internet fame is what it’s all about!

Which isn’t to disrespect Mr. Zonday at all. It’s just, well, we’re guessing he’s available. And despite what we or anyone else might think of the quality of his video, you can’t argue with 76 million views. That’ll move a lot of chocolate.

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Of Barns And Wolves

I’m not saying I know exactly what they went through but, as someone who was born in a barn, I feel like I can relate a little more than your average person.

It’s tough growing up the way we have. It’s not our fault we leave doors open without thinking to close them. It’s not our fault that we don’t pick up after ourselves or feel the need to eat as messily as possible while using nothing but our hands. It’s just how we were brought up. And to have to relate the story of how we lost our parents in some horrible accident, only to be saved by a kind mother wolf and her pack, let alone face the embarrassment of having to explain the circumstances of one’s barn birth, only reinforces the hurt and suffering we’ve already had to face in our lives.

But folks like Bill and Camis Davis, as well as Camis’ brother Todd Eilert, not only find a way to rise above the misconceptions that weigh down all barn-born and/or wolf-raised people, they revel in it. They slap a label proudly proclaiming the circumstances of their childhoods on each bottle of 2009 Raised by Wolves Washington Cabernet Sauvignon and are unashamed. After all, if not for the lessons they learned at the mouth of their cave home, would they have been able to create a young Cabernet so disciplined and robust? Would the roasted black cherries and wet cobblestones on the nose and full finish with dark plum, white pepper, and cigar blend so beautifully?

Perhaps instead of mocking those who had to endure a lupine-assisted upbringing, we should be celebrating them! Leaving the refrigerator open to cool the entire house isn’t wasteful. It’s thoughtful! Leaving stuff all over the floor isn’t filthy. It helps hone the hunter-gatherer instinct in us all! Rushing outside naked to bay at the moon is… Okay, no, that’s still weird. Sorry, but that’s where a “barnie” like me draws the line.

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