Viscosity: It matters in respiratory infections; it matters in balsamic vinegar.
Thank you, everyone, for responding to the press release. I am proud to announce that the Davis County Sheriff’s Department has intercepted a shipment of 250ml bottles of Cavedoni Bottle Piccola Balsamic Vinegar. This is a big day for our law enforcement office, and it feels great to get such high-grade merchandise off the streets. We’ll take your questions now.
“Mike Wilson, Davis County Clip ‘n Save. Sheriff, what were the events that led you to making this bust?”
Great question. We received a tip that a shipment was being imported from Modena, Italy. Naturally we assumed the mafia had to be involved, so myself and Deputy Wayne here made a daring mid-morning raid on the shipping container as it was being trucked in from the next county over. Next question. Yes, you.
“I don’t think you have to keep asking. It’s just me here.”
Sorry. Go ahead, Mike.
“What’s the street value of this merchandise?”
We’re still analyzing exactly what we have, but we assume it’s going to reach into the hundreds of millions, making this the biggest bust in Davis County history.
“And what exactly is this stuff?”
It’s pretty gnarly, to be honest. It’s a completely natural, barrel-aged balsamic with no caramel; it’s got a very complex flavor with sweetness and the perfect acidity.
“Have you seen an increase in people using this on the streets of Davis County?”
Absolutely. It starts simple, y’know? People throw it together with some olive oil on a salad and they’ve got a healthy dressing. Next, they’re adding it to a caprese. Then things get crazy: they start eating it on vanilla ice cream. Pretty soon it spirals out of control. Lives are ruined.
“You’ve got something on your tie, Sheriff.”
THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER!